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EST. May 2000 (AD)





A Guide to Pregnancy: How to Keep Your Hair Looking Great

By Kristina Lind

Third month: This is usually the time when a woman discovers she's pregnant. Only a very clever woman who pays attention to things such as her menstrual cycle will figure it out sooner. Your doctor will tell you, "Congratulations, you're pregnant!" You'll feel elation, shock, or horror; maybe a combination of sorts. This stunned state will leave you with little regard for your hair. Buy yourself a hat and allow yourself some time to get used to the whole pregnancy thing. Think of it as an early birthday present to yourself.

Fourth month: You're going to be a mommy. You'll be knee-deep in diapers and teddy bears, you'll have to find a pediatrician, quit smoking, quit dieting, and trade the car for an SUV. Well, you've had a whole month to deal with these things. It's time to start focusing on your hair. Buy a curling iron and get to work practicing the "perfect ringlets" look. Don't forget to turn off the curling iron when you're finished, as pregnant women tend to be forgetful, and you don't want to burn down your house and all your new baby gadgets.

Fifth month: Your cravings should really be kicking in now. This is perfectly normal. Give in to them! At no other time in your life will you feel less guilt about polishing off three gallons of ice cream. You want the baby's spine to grow, right? But at some point, you must forget chocolate mousse and turn to hair mousse. The fifth month is not a good time for hair--hormones may make it flat and lifeless. Get a brush and stroke your hair one hundred times. If you lose count, start again. This will leave your hair shiny and beautiful and will temporarily take your mind off ice cream.

Sixth month: Morning sickness is one of the worst pregnancy symptoms. You have probably experienced it by now. Make your bathroom as comfortable as possible, as you will spend so much time in it. Put fresh flowers in a vase on the sink. To really make yourself feel better, experiment with your hair. Going very short is a popular option. Just make sure to find a female hair dresser who will understand when you burst into tears at the sight of your new look-it's just hormones, after all. You won't really mean it when you sob that your hair is too short, and your life is ruined.

Seventh month: Women often feel clumsy at this stage of pregnancy. Try to stay in one place to reduce the risk of hurting yourself. Sitting in an armchair and watching television all day is a good idea. When you get bored, get to work styling your hair--always a cure for pregnancy boredom. Use a lot of gel so your style will stick, but be cautious-pregnancy clumsiness and gel-slicked hands can equal disaster.

Eighth month: You're almost there! Your anxiety level should be through the roof. There are so many things to worry about. You may feel overwhelmed and frightened. This is normal, and can be helped by focusing on whether you should cut bangs or not. Try to determine whether your face is round, oval, square, or heart-shaped. This will make it much easier to decide if bangs are right for you.

Ninth month and beyond: When you give birth, it will be like nothing else in the world. You will be bowled over with emotion. The intense process of labor will have left you sweaty, exhausted, and with frightfully neglected hair. You are a mother now, and you will relish your role, but don't forget that other source of happiness: your hair. When you take the baby home, stop at the drug store for film so as to take pictures of your newborn. And don't forget to pick up a few cans of mousse while you're at it.

© 2005 Kristina Lind



Kristina Lind is a creative writing student working towards her diploma. She lives with her cat in British Columbia, where she is a part-time art student as well. Despite the cold weather, she usually tries to keep her hair looking great.


DISCLAIMER: This is a parody of women's magazines so don't come crying to us if you starved to death on one of our diets or you took out your liver by mistake. Unless otherwise noted all material © 2000 - 2018 Sharon Grehan-Howes ( aka Sharon Jeffcock ) Happy Woman Magazine All Rights Reserved