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By Emma Rowley
Here's a question for you love-starved ladies: what's the sexiest part of your body? The answer is your brain! I should say at this stage that most men disagree, citing breasts, legs, lips, buttocks, the waist, back, arms, eyes, (and in most cases the spleen, kidneys and liver) as sexier than their girlfriend's imaginative intelligence. But perhaps you don't have those body parts. Or access to lingerie. Or the ability to whistle and hold up a piece of raw meat. In which case, read on as we provide step-by-step instructions on how to create a host of sexy alter-egos that will leave your man breathless in the bedroom. (In some cases, breathlessness can be a sign of chronic cardiovascular dysfunction. It is worthwhile checking that a racing pulse and shortness of breath are a result of passion, not impending cardiac arrest.)
You're workin' nine to five now, sister! First of all, slip into a pencil skirt, blouse and sheer stockings. Put your hair up and don a pair of glasses. (Top tip: If you don't wear glasses, try drawing sexy specs on with an eyeliner pencil!) Now slick on some lip gloss and grab a notepad. Get your man sat down at a desk while you offer to take 'dictation'. Mmm-hm! Suggest rephrases where necessary and have a red pen on hand to correct grammatical errors. Try to engage him in a discussion of sexual politics in the workplace. Encourage him to come along to a feminist after-work group. Give him a breast cancer badge to wear.
Make yourself a saucy nurse's cap and invite your man for an examination! Lay him down on a gurney and take his temperature. (Top tip: no thermometer? Draw a red line on a straw and pop it in his mouth! Caution: straw will not provide an accurate reading in case of emergency.) Wheel him out into the hall. Tell him the doctor will be able to see him in about seven hours' time. Forget about him while tending to other patients. In the morning, remember him lying there. Desperately alter his notes to make it look as though he was monitored regularly through the night. Lock yourself weeping in the bathroom as you wonder how much longer you can carry on working these insane shifts before you make a serious error.
Are you ready? It's time to don your sluttiest heels and skimpiest bikini. Rub baby oil into your body. (Top tip: no baby oil? Use margarine or lard.) Drag a chair out into the floor and beckon your man over. When he is comfortably seated, rub your oiled body against him. Remember to look bored. Check over his shoulder regularly for anyone richer or more interesting. Demand a twenty dollar bill every few minutes. Whenever he touches you, slap him. For extra realism, get a muscular friend to force your man to buy an overpriced bottle of wine, then kick him out onto the street. Afterwards, have a cigarette break with the other girls during which you bitch about his breath and mock the size of his manhood. Get an STD check.
Who's been a naughty boy? That's right: someone needs a lesson in police procedure! Designate an area as the 'cells' and lead your 'prisoner' there. Thrill to the idea that he's under your control and tell him he is entirely in your hands - there's no calling his lawyer this time! Unfortunately, that's because you're a burnt-out cop with a taste for violence. This is not the first time you've had to take matters into your own hands, because the stupid chief never understands what it's like out there, trying to clear the streets of this kind of filth. Oh, and if your 'prisoner' has a smart mouth, you might want to give him a shot of pepper spray. (Top tip: no pepper spray or mace? Use real, finely-ground pepper.) Leave him alone to consider whether it might be easier just to bribe his way out of this whole horrible mess. Later, return to the 'cell'. Introduce yourself as his new cellmate. Tell him he can call you 'Bubba'.
Is that embalming fluid or a new perfume? First, find yourself a smart black suit. Then...actually, this is making me feel kind of gross. Really, what are we doing? We love each other, don't we? So why are going to bizarre lengths to achieve a carnivalesque sex life? Do you know what I'd like to do? Order Chinese food and watch a movie with you. I'm going to go and take a shower. When I come back, let's never speak of this again.
OTHER HW ARTICLES BY EMMA ROWLEY
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Emma Rowley is a Londoner. Maybe that's why she loves London Town.
© 2007 Emma Rowley