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EST. May 2000 (AD)




Speak the Summer Slang: How the Girls Will Be Gabbing This Season

By Christina Delia

For years the summer season has consistently filled our otherwise empty lives with new fashions, hit movies, and white-hot tan lines. Yet there was always something missing from the fireworks, weenie roasts, and humid nights of drunken debauchery. What was missing, you ask? Was it a hit song on the pop charts with "summer" in the title? No, we have too many of those already. A reality show filled with fireworks, weenie roasts, and humid nights of drunken debauchery, but edited to television prime-time standard perfection? Perhaps with two contestants from former reality shows battling over who gets to sing "The Star Spangled Banner" in a toothpaste-crafted bikini during The July Fourth Special of this hot, new summer reality show! Sure, why not, we could certainly use another reality show.

Until some ingenious producers join forces to create such a show, we girls will have to amuse ourselves. What better way for a Happy Woman to amuse herself happily than by only associating with like-minded ladies who speak her language? Once you start speaking The Summer Slang, you won't care to use your mouth for anything else (except for breathing and eating, but any diet-dedicated damsel will tell you that you should be doing far more breathing than eating!)

Below you will find choice excerpts from the Dictionary of Woman-ology's Sizzling Summer Slang section, ideal for phone gossip or telling off your boyfriend. He never knows what you're talking about, anyway.

From The Dictionary of Woman-ology:

Words and Phrases that Express Negative Connotations:

Bandaged- Not just for use when describing the details of plastic surgery. To say that something is "bandaged" means that a situation has gone horribly awry. Often employed when talking about plans.

Use it in a Saucy Summer Sentence!

If told that, "Deirdre wants to go to the ice cream parlor."

"Ice cream! What is she thinking? That is so bandaged!"

Homerun Electrolysis- Electrolysis, as any woman knows, is the removal of pesky hairs from an otherwise smooth, glowing surface. A homerun, as any man knows, is a popular baseball term that means the batter has gotten rid of the ball, leaving her free to run around on a field filled with men. To use the phrase "homerun electrolysis" means that one is trying to get an annoying person out of their life, (usually an Ex). This way, the dude you're ditching will at least understand the "hit outta the park" half of it.

Use it in a Saucy Summer Sentence!

"Wendell, I think it's time for us to undergo Homerun Electrolysis. It's not you, it's me."

The Lame Kangaroo Gets No Jump in the Pocket- An expression that sounds like fortune cookie mumbo-jumbo, but means that the sex is bad, or that access to your womanly delights has been denied.

Use it in a Saucy Summer Sentence!

"Wendell, the lame kangaroo gets no jump in the pocket. I think we should start seeing other people."

Tasty- Foul, oppressive, and bad for you. Also used to describe leprosy. Formerly considered a positive word, when eating was thought to be a good thing.

Use it in a Saucy Summer Sentence!

"I was driving past the flower shop, when I spotted road kill. I know, tasty!"

Words and Phrases that Express Positive Connotations:

Skirting above the knee- A person is looking young and sexy.

Use it in a Saucy Summer Sentence!

"Sasha, you're skirting quite above the knee today, unlike that Agnes, who is skirting quite below the knee, if you know what I mean."

Cadaver- Thin and pretty.

Use it in a Saucy Summer Sentence!

"Melissa, you are such a cadaver! No, I mean it, you could be a model!"

Titters the Monkey and His Fine Friends- A phrase that expresses pleasure over a sexual encounter.

Use it in a Saucy Summer Sentence!

When asked, "was it good for you, babe?"

Smile and say, "Yup, it was Titters the Monkey and His Fine Friends!"

Spa- "It's all good" or "things are going well, thank you." Because it's the summer, and you don't have the time or the patience to say all that, just say everything is "spa".

Use it in a Saucy Summer Sentence!

When asked: "Brenda, are you sure you're not mad at me for sleeping with both your husband and that foreign exchange student living in your house, and telling the boss that you came in drunk to work that day?"

Just lower your expensive European sunglasses and say, "Spa."

The V.S.H. (Violent Sleepless Hallucinations)- An updated way of saying, "you're dreamy".

Use it in a Saucy Summer Sentence!

"Sammy, I experience The V.S.H. whenever I'm around you. You know, 'Violent Sleepless Hallucinations?' No, don't call an ambulance; I'm trying to tell you that I love you!"

Now that you skirting above the knee cadavers have learned the latest lingo, may this lead you to a summer of Violent Sleepless Hallucinations, where you experience encounters worthy of Titters the Monkey and His Fine Friends. May nothing be bandaged or tasty, and hopefully there will be no need for Homerun Electrolysis in your lives. In the event that relations between you and your mate sour, and the lame kangaroo gets no jump in the pocket, remember the wise word of one Happy Woman. Spa!


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Christina Delia is a freelance writer of humorous essays, screenplays, and poetry. She likes her problems rare and her men well done.



DISCLAIMER: This is a parody of women's magazines so don't come crying to us if you starved to death on one of our diets or you took out your liver by mistake. Unless otherwise noted all material © 2000 - 2018 Sharon Grehan-Howes ( aka Sharon Jeffcock ) Happy Woman Magazine All Rights Reserved