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By Julie Hansen
If no one's gotten excited in your bedroom since the dog's unfortunate accident on the duvet, perhaps the embers of love need a little stoking. Here are some sure fire ways to steam up the windows - or at least get him to look up from the television:
1. Create a fantasy. Does your man dream of handcuffs, chains and restraining devices? First, ask yourself this: is he in law enforcement? No? Go ahead! Find your inner dominatrix. (Clue: She's right next to your inner bitch.)
Perhaps his fantasy runs a bit more to the mundane, say, coming home from work, throwing his clothes in a pile, grabbing a six pack and sitting in front of the television aimlessly roaming from channel to channel without you screaming, "All right that's it - give me the damn remote!" Whatever it is, you hold the key. Just remember where you hide it.
2. Develop your own unique signature move. Front handspring followed by a triple sow kow landing in downward facing dog not in your repertoire? No problem! It can be as simple as a suggestive wink of the eye. Just be sure that your 'signature' look says, "Come hither" and not, "I have some sort of cinder in my eye". Whatever it is, make it yours.
Own it. Patent it if you can. Each time he sees it, you'll have him salivating like he does when he's asleep.
3. Offer a sensual massage. In a soft, swirling motion, run your fingertips up and down his body, from his horny, yellowing toes to his pale, paunchy tummy. (Hint: avoid using scented oils unless you want an indelible reminder left on your new bedspread - and be sure and keep your head down so he can still catch the NFL, NBA, NHL or NRA without distraction.)
4. Surprise him in the shower. No, not by dumping cold water on his head. Sneak in behind him and gently help him lather up. (Note: Ignore this one if he's seen the movie "Psycho" more than once or has spent any time at all behind bars.)
5. Create your own special language. Baby talk may be the standby, but keep in mind it sounds ridiculous even coming from Melanie Griffith and it may confuse the stray toddler. Italian and French are the languages of love. Can't speak a word? Not to worry. A simple "le" or "la" can transform an ordinary request into a potent erotic interchange. For example, "Darling, I would be so grateful if you would take out 'la' trash".
6. Ply him with positive reinforcement. Not much to work with, you say? Look harder; opportunities abound in your everyday interactions! How about: "I liked the way you brushed up against me when you took that last piece of pizza" or "I hardly notice your love handles in those new boxers".
7. Exhausted everything and still no response from your man? Try hiding his Prozac. Better yet, take it yourself.
You won't even notice you're not having sex after awhile!
©2003 Julie Hansen
Julie Hansen, one of those megawatts of talent you've always envied, resides in New York City where she is currently pecking her way through her first novel. You can contact her at Hellodolly1@earthlink.net.
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