PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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QUIZ: Are You Too Self-Centered?

By Elizabeth Hanes

When taking a car trip with friends, you:

a. Insist the others ride in the trunk so your luggage has adequate room in the back seat.

b. Refuse to chip in for gas because you're saving up for liposuction.

c. Constantly cheat at license plate bingo to ensure you win.

You plan to buy your sister a pair of gold earrings for her graduation-until you

a. Buy yourself a pair because they complement the shape of your face.

b. Tell her you intended to buy her gold earrings but you couldn't afford them because you're saving up for split end repair.

c. Give her a card and say, "Wow, your complexion looks almost as good as mine "

After a guy dumps you, the first thing you think is:

a. My hair really looks terrific today.

b. As soon as I sell this heirloom ring he gave me, I'll be able to afford that boob job I've been wanting.

c. I'll tell everyone he had to break up with me because my beauty made him cry. Constantly.

Your boyfriend shows up at your office with a bouquet of roses. You:

a. Take them and say, "Just ONE dozen?"

b. Call the florist after your boyfriend leaves and ask if you can return the bouquet for cash because you're saving up for permanent eyeliner.

c. Go to the ugly girl's cubicle and tell her you'd like to give her one because "sharing with the less fortunate makes me a better person."

A close friend calls you in the middle of the night in hysterics; her fiancé just broke off their engagement. You…

a. Start screaming hysterically, also, because when you swung your legs off the bed to answer the phone, you noticed you have cellulite.

b. Tell her to calm down and repeat slowly whether or not she'll reimburse you the $212 you spent on a bridesmaid dress and dyed-to-match shoes.

c. Speak very softly so as not to wake your friend's ex-fiancé.

Your best friend invites you to join her and her boyfriend to dinner-at their expense-to celebrate her promotion to executive secretary after 20 long years of hard work. You:

a. Tell them you'd love to! As long as they choose a restaurant that serves roast duck medallions, seaweed, and couscous, because that's all you're allowed on your new diet.

b. Tell them you'd love to, but really you'd rather they just gave you the cost of the meal in cash, because you're saving up for buttock implants.

c. Tell them it's a terrific idea, and you all can celebrate your good news too: You slept with your friend's boss last night, and today he made you president of the division!

A new friend blows you off for a hot date. You:

a. Wonder if her friendship is worth keeping, but then remind yourself that she's always been willing to highlight your hair.

b. Be the bigger person by jimmying her locks, stealing her diamond solitaire ring, and fencing it to add the cash to your rhinoplasty fund.

c. Don't notice because you're too busy hot tubbing at the party you blew her off for.

SCORING:

For each "A" answer, give yourself 27 points.

For each "B" answer, give yourself 45 points.

For each "C" answer, give yourself 9.2 points.

10-287 points:

What's up, wallflower? The way you let people walk all over you, you'll never get anywhere. Your friends all mock you behind your back, your boyfriend is selling hidden-camera-videos of your sex play on the internet, and your dog only pretends to like you.


288-1429 points:

You're definitely self-centered, but in a healthy, positive way, and you have a figure to die for. Your overflowing kindness makes you friends wherever you go, though most of them are beneath you. Remember how uncomfortable homely people are in your presence and don't humiliate them too long or too often. You probably should trim your bangs soon.

1430 to 3,897 points:

You put yourself above all others, and what's wrong with that? With your strength of character, you're destined to become a televangelist or presidential mistress. You will popularize ice blue as the "in" color for fall. Thousands of people will faint at the sight of you, triggering the worst earthquake in California history. Your psychic vibration is so high-pitched, it causes small animals to follow you wherever you go. Your hair will never turn gray, and your teeth will never get cavities.


© 2004 Elizabeth Hanes