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It's February 14th, the day of all things sacred (teddy bears, wilted roses from the gas station, boxes of dusty chocolate from the drugstore), and you've found yourself man-less. Have no fear my fragile single friend. Just join the hoards of single women across the country staring into the beady eyes of Valentines Day and utter the defiant rallying cry "I'm single and pathetic and I'm not going to take it anymore"! As a reward for your goddess-like approach to this dreaded holiday here are few tips to make this Valentines Day your best one yet.
1. Start your day with an indulgent, relaxing bath for one. Don't forget to light lots of lead-based candles and play your favorite muzak! Now, take a deep breath and run your hands over your whole body. As you're doing this, mentally calculate your BMI (that's your Body Mass Index) and tally up every one of your flaws, especially that pesky fat behind your knees. Finish up with soothing words of encouragement for yourself, something along the lines of, "If I had just stayed on the liquid Hollywood Diet I would have had a man by now".
2. Head over to your local lingerie shop and try on all the sexy, strappy, rib cracking, get-ups that you never have any reason to buy. Ask the salesgirl for her opinion (they love this sort of thing) and then proceed to tell her how lonely and sexually frustrated you are. Cry in her arms and wipe those tears on something silky (you deserve the best!). Don't buy anything.
3. Call your best friend and ask to speak to her husband. Proceed to grill him with questions like, "How come you never asked me out?" and "What's your wife got that I don't have?" Ask him to list all of your qualities that he thinks single men find repulsive, especially the things you can't change, like your height. This information will come in handy later.
4. Finally, you should end your night by doing something festive, like stopping by the hottest bar in town. Remember, you're a confident woman who's comfortable going out solo! Grab a seat at the bar and start ordering shots by the bucket. When the mood feels right, approach every man in sight (even the ones with girlfriends will be flattered!). In your best husky, come-to-bed voice, but loud enough to be heard over the techno, tell the man of your choice that you're single, desperate, and hard-up for a man. Ask him if he wouldn't mind being your Valentine for the night. If he looks like he's going to say "No", don't be afraid to throw the promise of cheap sex on the table. And if he starts to walk away, slip your hand through his legs and cop a quick grab of his package. At least you got your hands on the best part, right Ladies?
And so another Valentines Day passes into the bowels of your single history. But don't you feel like you treated yourself to a very special day? That's because you are special, as long as you're not single!
© 2003 Jessica Dolce
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Jessica Dolce is unemployed and
pretending to be a freelance writer to get some respect. You
can read more of her unpaid work at Guavamag.com. Contact
Jessica at: email@example.com