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EST. May 2000 (AD)




If you are like most of us and find your hair falling out in clumps, your nails bitten to the quick and your skin the colour of old corn, you are probably under stress.

Stress can put you at increased risk for the development of high blood pressure and it has been associated with heart disease. These are not good things.

We've brought you a week by week plan guaranteed to cut down on that killer ick-meister; Stress.

Week One

Learn to relax.

Take afternoon naps at your workstation.

Have a leisurely sponge bath in the restroom at the mall.

Place a "Soon" and a "Maybe" box on top of your In/Out boxes.

Arrive late, leave early.

If you find yourself late in picking up the youngsters at soccer practice, call the police and report them missing. Use the time you've gained to get a pedicure.

Realize your stress triggers and set about eliminating them:

Throw out bills as they arrive.

Reconcile yourself to the fact that your children will never have to learn anything but the phrase "Do you want fries with that" and use the college fund for a big screen TV.

Recognize that you will probably never reach the goals you've set for yourself, so set different easier goals. For example instead of losing that 15 pounds aim to be the fattest woman in the world.

Week Two

Learn how to have fun!

Take some time out of your schedule to play, bring your inner child to work and arrange impromptu games of "Doggy Doggy Who's Got The Bone" and "Mother May I?"

Relieve tension in the workplace with a few practical jokes. Publish your employer's obituary or write a pal's name on a bathroom wall in a seedy bar.

Speak only in babytalk.

Respond to every question with "I know you are but what am I?.

Instead of rushing home to make dinner head for a dance club or a casino.

Week Three

Change your thinking. All this stress could be your own fault. You might be thinking wrong. Start thinking right.

Week Four

Alter your stress receptors. If you are a sensitive person other peoples bad moods could be contagious. When someone tells you their troubles respond by saying. "I'm sorry, but I care about me. Perhaps there is a help line out there for you."

If your boss criticizes your work performance turn the tables by immediately repeating everything he/she says in a staccato voice. This will make your employer realize how petty they sound.

If you follow these tips for the next few weeks it is guaranteed that you will notice definite changes.

You're Welcome!




DISCLAIMER: This is a parody of women's magazines so don't come crying to us if you starved to death on one of our diets or you took out your liver by mistake. Unless otherwise noted all material © 2000 - 2018 Sharon Grehan-Howes ( aka Sharon Jeffcock ) Happy Woman Magazine All Rights Reserved