PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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Swimsuit Season!

How to minimize the flab and maximize the Fab!

If the thought of putting on a swimsuit has caused you hand wringing, night sweats and irrational behaviour at stock car rally concession stands, then despair no more! Our sassy, savvy swimsuit stylists have taken the most common figure flaws and devised ways for even the most bovine bather to take advantage of Mother Nature's bathtub!!!

Problem Area: Butt

Solution: Sitting is recommenced. Lots and lots of sitting. Arrange beach props around you. Umbrellas, coolers, sleeping infants all these make wonderful tools for camouflage. If you must walk you should draw attention away from the no-no nethers. A large tattoo of a dragon on your shoulderblades, a bowl of fruit on your head, a parrot on your shoulder — any one of these will draw the eyeball up up and away!

Tip: Ripe fruit is not recommended and the parrot should be tame.

Problem Area: Thighs

Solution: Set your alarm for 5:30. Artfully arrange a towel or, depending on the size of the problem area, a king sized bed sheet around the offending region. That will get you from the car to the sand.

Once there, dig a trench approx. five inches or twenty-five iinches deep (try not to dig deeper than that as you might require a building permit. ) Lie down and once your thighs have completely spread out (this could take a few minutes) have your friends cover the excess you with a layer of sand. With a little work you can literally get the sculpted curves you've always dreamed off!

Tip: Best to have loads of sunscreen on hand and avoid liquids unless the trench is over five inches deep.

Problem Area: Upper Arm Sag

Solution: Water wings would provide the most noticeable results as would a cardigan but the most practical solution is two-sided carpet tape applied to the side of your bathing suit. Once in place hold arms at your side until arms have bonded to the suit.

Tip: Avoid pointing, invest in a a long straw and you might want to remove tape before swimming.

Problem Area: Bulging Tummy

Solution: The manufactures for years dealt with this problem by making cunning little ruffle-skirted numbers. Now however now the jig is up! The public has now caught on to the fact that a skirt on your bathing suit means you've never met a Krispy Kreme you didn't like.

The miracle cure? A humble beach ball! Yes this much maligned pleasure tool can easily hide last winter's Cheeto deposits. Take a 17" diameter or 36" (again depending on the expanse) beach ball. With both hands bring the ball up in front of you 3 inches below the breastbone and hold it out 1/4 inch away from your chest. It is very important that the measurements be exact. Keep it there until you go home. If you have limited upper arm strength you might want to try the pregnancy ploy. Purchase a T-shirt that announces your condition like the hilarious classic T "baby on board" and watch as the glances from strangers turn from disdain to delight.

Tip: If you go for the beach ball option you might want to purchase a high-power water pistol to discourage enthusiastic toddlers and if you decide the pregnancy option is best for you avoid smoking and drinking alcoholic beverages in front of the other beach patrons.

Problem Area: All Over!

Solution: The most sensible solution is to invest in a swimming pool. If you simply must go to the beach a life-guards uniform can work wonders. The two flap design hides any number of figure flaws. Since you are serving a useful purpose onlookers might forgive you.

Tip: You might want to invest in a Walkman and ear phones if you don't know how to swim. That way in cases of emergency you have an excuse for ignoring the cries for help.

Remember, the beach is for everyone as long as they don't repel so grab the water noodle and head for the waves!