Swimsuit
Season!
How
to minimize the flab and maximize the Fab!
If the thought
of putting on a swimsuit has caused you hand wringing, night sweats and
irrational behaviour at stock car rally concession stands, then despair
no more! Our sassy, savvy swimsuit stylists have taken the most common
figure flaws and devised ways for even the most bovine bather to take
advantage of Mother Nature's bathtub!!!
Problem
Area: Butt
Solution:
Sitting is recommenced. Lots and lots of sitting. Arrange beach props
around you. Umbrellas, coolers, sleeping infants all these make wonderful
tools for camouflage. If you must walk you should draw attention
away from the no-no nethers. A large tattoo of a dragon on your shoulderblades,
a bowl of fruit on your head, a parrot on your shoulder — any one
of these will draw the eyeball up up and away!
Tip:
Ripe fruit is not recommended and the parrot should be tame.
Problem
Area: Thighs
Solution:
Set your alarm for 5:30. Artfully arrange a towel or, depending on the
size of the problem area, a king sized bed sheet around the offending
region. That will get you from the car to the sand.
Once there,
dig a trench approx. five inches or twenty-five iinches deep (try not
to dig deeper than that as you might require a building permit. ) Lie
down and once your thighs have completely spread out (this could take
a few minutes) have your friends cover the excess you with a layer of
sand. With a little work you can literally get the sculpted curves you've
always dreamed off!
Tip:
Best to have loads of sunscreen on hand and avoid liquids unless the trench
is over five inches deep.
Problem
Area: Upper Arm Sag
Solution:
Water wings would provide the most noticeable results as would a cardigan
but the most practical solution is two-sided carpet tape applied to the
side of your bathing suit. Once in place hold arms at your side until
arms have bonded to the suit.
Tip:
Avoid pointing, invest in a a long straw and you might want to remove
tape before swimming.
Problem
Area: Bulging Tummy
Solution:
The manufactures for years dealt with this problem by making cunning
little ruffle-skirted numbers. Now however now the jig is up! The public
has now caught on to the fact that a skirt on your bathing suit means
you've never met a Krispy Kreme you didn't like.
The miracle
cure? A humble beach ball! Yes this much maligned pleasure tool can easily
hide last winter's Cheeto deposits. Take a 17" diameter or 36"
(again depending on the expanse) beach ball. With both hands bring the
ball up in front of you 3 inches below the breastbone and hold it out
1/4 inch away from your chest. It is very important that the measurements
be exact. Keep it there until you go home. If you have limited upper arm
strength you might want to try the pregnancy ploy. Purchase a T-shirt
that announces your condition like the hilarious classic T "baby
on board" and watch as the glances from strangers turn from disdain
to delight.
Tip: If
you go for the beach ball option you might want to purchase a high-power
water pistol to discourage enthusiastic toddlers and if you decide the
pregnancy option is best for you avoid smoking and drinking alcoholic
beverages in front of the other beach patrons.
Problem
Area: All Over!
Solution:
The most sensible solution is to invest in a swimming pool. If you
simply must go to the beach a life-guards uniform can work wonders. The
two flap design hides any number of figure flaws. Since you are serving
a useful purpose onlookers might forgive you.
Tip: You
might want to invest in a Walkman and ear phones if you don't know how
to swim. That way in cases of emergency you have an excuse for ignoring
the cries for help.
Remember, the
beach is for everyone as long as they don't repel so grab the water noodle
and head for the waves!
| 
