BRIDE DISH | HOROSCOPE | ADVICE FROM THE GODMOTHER |POSTCARDS FROM PARIS | SCIENCE | TRAVEL JENNA'S DIARY
FEATURES |CELEBRITIES| RELATIONSHIPS | BEAUTY &STYLE | TIPS AND TRICKS | DIY | SPECIAL REPORTS |HEALTH & FITNESS
You, our dedicated readers, are well aware of our periodic reader-response polls, when you are cordially invited to write in with your experiences on a particular subject. We thought it would be fun to go one step further, so recently we opened our phone lines for you to TELL us what's on your mind -- about anything! After all, aren't we a little more spontaneous with the spoken word?
We're betting that more spontaneous equals more fun; therefore, we've thrown caution to the wind and pulled out a completely random five minutes of your phone messages. Let's hear what some of you had to say!
Just three codes to remember:
[redact] = text removed to protect privacy
[**] = naughty word!
[unintell] = unintelligible
"Hello? Hi! HW, hi! I just love you guys! I love reading your stuff and I get so many good recipes and advice and stuff. So hey, thanks, that's all I wanted to say, I think you guys are great! Bye!"
"Yeah hi, I ordered two large pepperoni and a liter of Coke Classic like an hour ago? Our address is 9732 [redact]. Could you check on that order, please? Our pay per view already started like 20 minutes ago. Our number is 512-[redact]. Thanks."
"Hi, Happy Woman? If we can really talk about anything, I just want to say that I think weather forecasters are no good anymore. Have you noticed they pretty much change the forecast every few hours? I think all this happened when the weather people had to go to school and become official meteorologists. Our weather lady can't even SAY meteorologist! She say's 'Hi, I'm MEETOR-ologist Laurie [redact] . . .' That's like saying 'nuke-ular' instead of 'nuclear'! Anyway, I really like your articles, especially the regular ones by the Mafia lady, Donna."
"Hi, Happy Woman! Would you mind doing an article sometime about how to dress when your husband is a transvestite? I know your magazine is open-minded, so that's why I'm asking this question. I'm not sure if I should go matching or contrast. And could you get a psychologist to talk about how to handle my jealousy over my husband's attractive features? His ankles are narrower than mine, plus he looks better in green, which I've always been told is MY best color. Also, when my hubby is dressed like a girl, our pug Gracie looks confused. Could you ask your psychologist if this is bad for pets? Should we be dressing her up as well? Thanks! Bye."
"I think men suck. That's all I have to say."
"One more thing. They suck because a certain [**] who shall remain nameless thought he could [**] around and I wouldn't find out. Well I did find out, you big [**]. And that's why you suck. Keep up the good work, HW."
"Janice? Hello? Janice, this is your mother. I'm gathering that because you are not picking up you are not there. Hello? OK, well, Janice I'm just calling to remind you to please not forget this time to bring the pictures of my grandson on his vacation to the Wisconsin Dells. You forgot last time and of course you know how much I love to see pictures of my little grandson on his vacations. And then the milk, please -- one percent, not two percent. Two percent is so much worse for our arteries than one percent. See you at six o'clock then. And the pictures, please. Don't forget them and the one percent. OK. See you then. Janice? Bye now."
"Hi, I love your how-to-make-this-or-that kind of articles, where it's all done in 10 easy steps or something, 'cause I'm not very good at sewing or decorating. I was wondering, could you do an article sometime about decorating for the solstice? Like a Stonehenge kind of thing, but without heavy rocks, which I tried and it didn't work. Do you know how to make planets? And make them so they're all aligned? Maybe it's better to go the planet route instead of the heavy rocks. Anyway, just a suggestion. Thanks."
"Hi, Happy Woman! My husband and I just wanted to say a big 'Thank you!' for that WON-derful article you wrote called 'Ten Ways to Make Your Man Come Back for More.' I did everything you said, step by step and -- oh, wait, hold on . . . [unintell] . . . hi, I'm back -- SORRY, but my husband just told me that wasn't you, that was Redbook. Sorry!!"
"HEY! PIZZA Barn!! Where's our two large pepperoni with COKE, morons?! You have TOTALLY ruined our pay per view -- all the good stuff started to happen without pizza!! We will NEVER order [**] from your stup--"
2006 Kate Heidel
Kate Heidel is a freelance writer living in Minneapolis. Her work includes humor essays and poetry, genres so incompatible that Kate's resulting inner turmoil can only be soothed by frequent shopping trips to Designer Shoe Warehouse.
OTHER HW ARTICLES BY KATE HEIDEL