Tell
Us What YOU Think -- About Anything!
You, our dedicated
readers, are well aware of our periodic reader-response polls, when
you are cordially invited to write in with your experiences on a
particular subject. We thought it would be fun to go one step further,
so recently we opened our phone lines for you to TELL us what's
on your mind -- about anything! After all, aren't we a little more
spontaneous with the spoken word?
We're betting
that more spontaneous equals more fun; therefore, we've thrown caution
to the wind and pulled out a completely random five minutes of your
phone messages. Let's hear what some of you had to say!
Just three codes
to remember:
[redact] = text
removed to protect privacy
[**] = naughty
word!
[unintell] =
unintelligible
17:55:36
"Hello?
Hi! HW, hi! I just love you guys! I love reading your stuff and
I get so many good recipes and advice and stuff. So hey, thanks,
that's all I wanted to say, I think you guys are great! Bye!"
"Yeah hi,
I ordered two large pepperoni and a liter of Coke Classic like an
hour ago? Our address is 9732 [redact]. Could you check on that
order, please? Our pay per view already started like 20 minutes
ago. Our number is 512-[redact]. Thanks."
"Hi, Happy
Woman? If we can really talk about anything, I just want to say
that I think weather forecasters are no good anymore. Have you noticed
they pretty much change the forecast every few hours? I think all
this happened when the weather people had to go to school and become
official meteorologists. Our weather lady can't even SAY meteorologist!
She say's 'Hi, I'm MEETOR-ologist Laurie [redact] . . .' That's
like saying 'nuke-ular' instead of 'nuclear'! Anyway, I really like
your articles, especially the regular ones by the Mafia lady, Donna."
"Hi, Happy
Woman! Would you mind doing an article sometime about how to dress
when your husband is a transvestite? I know your magazine is open-minded,
so that's why I'm asking this question. I'm not sure if I should
go matching or contrast. And could you get a psychologist to talk
about how to handle my jealousy over my husband's attractive features?
His ankles are narrower than mine, plus he looks better in green,
which I've always been told is MY best color. Also, when my hubby
is dressed like a girl, our pug Gracie looks confused. Could you
ask your psychologist if this is bad for pets? Should we be dressing
her up as well? Thanks! Bye."
"I think
men suck. That's all I have to say."
"One more
thing. They suck because a certain [**] who shall remain nameless
thought he could [**] around and I wouldn't find out. Well I did
find out, you big [**]. And that's why you suck. Keep up the good
work, HW."
"Janice?
Hello? Janice, this is your mother. I'm gathering that because you
are not picking up you are not there. Hello? OK, well, Janice I'm
just calling to remind you to please not forget this time to bring
the pictures of my grandson on his vacation to the Wisconsin Dells.
You forgot last time and of course you know how much I love to see
pictures of my little grandson on his vacations. And then the milk,
please -- one percent, not two percent. Two percent is so much worse
for our arteries than one percent. See you at six o'clock then.
And the pictures, please. Don't forget them and the one percent.
OK. See you then. Janice? Bye now."
"Hi, I
love your how-to-make-this-or-that kind of articles, where it's
all done in 10 easy steps or something, 'cause I'm not very good
at sewing or decorating. I was wondering, could you do an article
sometime about decorating for the solstice? Like a Stonehenge kind
of thing, but without heavy rocks, which I tried and it didn't work.
Do you know how to make planets? And make them so they're all aligned?
Maybe it's better to go the planet route instead of the heavy rocks.
Anyway, just a suggestion. Thanks."
"Hi, Happy
Woman! My husband and I just wanted to say a big 'Thank you!' for
that WON-derful article you wrote called 'Ten Ways to Make Your
Man Come Back for More.' I did everything you said, step by step
and -- oh, wait, hold on . . . [unintell] . . . hi, I'm back --
SORRY, but my husband just told me that wasn't you, that was Redbook.
Sorry!!"
"HEY! PIZZA
Barn!! Where's our two large pepperoni with COKE, morons?! You have
TOTALLY ruined our pay per view -- all the good stuff started to
happen without pizza!! We will NEVER order [**] from your stup--"
18:00:36
©
2006 Kate Heidel
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Kate Heidel is a freelance writer living in Minneapolis. Her
work includes humor essays and poetry, genres so incompatible that
Kate's resulting inner turmoil can only be soothed by frequent shopping
trips to Designer Shoe Warehouse.
OTHER HW
ARTICLES BY KATE HEIDEL
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