Kick
That Silly Terrorist Habit In Eight
Easy Steps
By
Diane Sokoloski
So you're going
along nicely and then one day BANG, you wake up with the realization
that you
might be a terrorist. Still not sure? Take this simple test.
A) Are your
friends always wearing
clothing items like balaclavas, mysterious pouches, ropes and swords,
which seem a bit too
Ancient Civilization?
B) Do you frequently
find yourself at meetings where the discussion is always
the same topic- Total Infidel Annihilation?
C) Is your
nickname King of Ka-Boom?
If you answered
yes to even one of these questions, don't fret for it is not too
late to make a fresh start.
Here are some
tips for terrorists whose lifestyles are getting them down because
their lifestyles are
definitely getting the rest of the world down.
DEAR FELLAS:
1. Eat more
fibre. Without resorting to crudities, not to be confused with
crudités, perhaps the reason
you are so frustrated and angry all the time is due to sluggish
innards. Take the All Bran Challenge.
In two weeks, not only will William Shatner pay a visit and sign
autographs right in your
bunker, the world will be a much more peaceful place. Healthy body,
healthy mind...twisted colon,
twisted thoughts...and by the way if Captain Kirk does visit you
don't even think about doing
him in, or you will suffer the wrath of a billion Trekies the world
over, and that is one war you
CAN NOT WIN!
2. Find
a hobby.
Much the same as teens who continually hang out at the mall, the
need to obliterate all those who do not see your point of view is
a sign of boredom. Why not seize the opportunity, channel your energy
and create a fun terrorist board game. Call it Infidel Pursuit
and let
the world breathe easy. We can all sit down together and play the
game. The West will snap
it up like hot cakes, making you guys rich in the process, a WIN
WIN situation!
3. Develop
a better fashion sense.
Unless you are members of a performing arts troupe like Cirque de
Soleil, dressing exactly the same as your full grown guy buddies
is NOT COOL! Anyway, women are not attracted to that sort of intimidating
power getup. . Phrases like "Is that a stick of dynamite in your
pants, or are you just happy to see me?"or the ever popular "kiss
me quick you fool...before my lips turn to shrapnel" lose their
flirtatious appeal rather quickly. Reveal those handsome faces to
the world. You're sure to be noticed in retro 70s tie-dye headgear
in a wicked fuchsia, yellow and sky blue combo. Experiment with
other kinds of clothes like kilts, thongs, chaps,
spandex pants and Speedos. Someone who is admiring his jaunty reflection
in mirrors and
store windows does not have time to kidnap people. If you are too
attached to your weaponry
to completely give it up, try wearing a tasteful sterling silver
machine gun brooch on your
lapel or a spiffy golden hand grenade tie clip.
4. Put your
job skills to better use. Leave the flowers, trees and people
alone and instead blow up killer bees, locusts, giant Japanese hornets
and photographs of Britney Spears.You do the math. The average human
presents no danger to you whatsoever, however the giant Japanese
hornet, which
is five times larger than a bee, and coincidentally is the same
shape as Michael Jackson's
nose, will paralyze you in a minute with its toxic venom. Join a
theatre company.
With those
commanding personalities and precision sword skills you're sure
to be cast as Orcs in the
latest stage version of The Lord of the Rings.
5. Meet
new people. Broaden your horizons and listen to some refreshing,
positive ideas for a change like letting kids fly kites or allowing
women to smile. Try touching people more and touching people in
order to kidnap them or tie them up doesn't count. I mean warm,
touchy feely stuff like massage. After a good hot oil massage you'll
be so relaxed and sleepy, that I doubt very much you'll feel like
blowing up anything. Well, at least not the masseuse.
6. Develop
a sense of humour. How a simple sense of humour has escaped
the whole lot of you is beyond me, but it's not too late. Would
it kill you to go to a comedy club and have a good laugh? Sprinkle
banana peels over the floor and watch each other slip around. If
the urge to drive a dynamite laden jeep into the side of a moving
train hits you, immediately sit on a Whoopee Cushion and
get it out of your system. Get together and play tickle torture.
Okay, forget the torture and just do the tickle part and no it will
NOT mean that you are all GAY!
7. Leave
all sharp implements in the kitchen drawer where they belong.
Rather than harming people couldn't you just pinch them really hard
and let them go? I know it's asking a lot and it would require a
major shift in philosophy, but a good pinch can be very satisfyingly
painful. Try the
pinch on each other first and I bet you'll agree that it really,
really does hurt.
8. Start
a book club. Read some good books and live out fantasies in
your heads like the rest of the
human race. The Harry Potter series is terrific, but just in case
there is any confusion, Voldemort
is NOT the good guy!
©
2006 Diane Sokoloski
OTHER HW ARTICLES
BY DIANE SOKOLOSKI:
Advice
for the Modern Street Busker
Peacekeeping
with Style!
Quasimodos
of the World Unite!
..................................................................
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Diane Sokoloski
earned a BA in music and BEd as an Artist in the Community. She
has performed in children's theatre, political theatre, musical
theatre, puppet shows, stand-up comedy and yes- as a street busker.
Diane had brief experiences as a police officer and a high school
teacher but her psychiatrist advises against talking about it. Diane's
writing credits include numerous magazines and newspapers
Diane is working
on a children's book based on a true story about a skink who travelled
across North America in a lunch box.
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