Thanks for the Memories
By Turquoise
Taylor Grant
So the party's
over, and you're safely back at home. What's the first thing you
do? If you said "Thank God I have a decent interior designer,
unlike that harridan, Janine" or "Look in the mirror and
nod with satisfaction that I am the most youthful-looking member
of my clique," you're wrong. (Those things are second and third,
respectively.)
Good manners
dictate that the very first thing you do after a party is: Write
a note of  thanks
to your host. A really top-notch guest will sneak into the bathroom
during the party, write the note, and leave it in the mailbox on
the way out, but let's start with the basics on this tricky social
necessity.
Thank you notes
are one of society's biggest minefields. Consider this: What is
a thank-you note but an admission of inferiority? You can be sure
that when your host reads your glowing praise of her shrimp rolls,
her head will start to swell. "My shrimp rolls are the finest
in the land," she will think to herself, mentally reviewing
the menu at your last soiree, which she suddenly will find a bit
flawed. Her mind will whirl with criticisms of your imperfectly
presented popovers, those miniscule water spots on the lemon fork.
In no time at all, she will believe herself the greatest hostess
in the world, and callously scratch your name from her guest list.
She will cease returning your calls. She will take advantage of
your ensuing depression to commiserate with your husband-up until
then so loyal. You will end up alone. Alone, and broken. Dying alone
and unloved need not be your fate, however, if you take some time
to learn the rules of proper etiquette.
A good thank-you
note will have a tone so neutral as to contain no actual thanks,
yet still technically fulfill the social obligation to thank the
host. A really stellar thank-you note will supersede neutrality
and contain veiled insults which, if detected, inspire its recipient
to question herself as not just a host, but as a woman. Ideally,
the tone will be so ambiguous as to cause her to feel shame at reading
subtext into your sincerity, thus cementing your superiority.
When you sit
down to write, take a moment to select the proper stationery-shell
pink is lovely, or French blue. (Avoid neon green or gilt edges,
as they tend to scream "whore.") Pick an ink color that
is very close to the shade of the paper-you want to coordinate,
and just slightly strain the eyes of the recipient. (It also makes
your insults harder to prove, if they're slightly illegible.) Now,
hold the pen in your hand, and concentrate for a minute or two.
Picture your host in tears, perhaps gently weeping, then working
up to hysteria. When the image is secure in your mind, you may begin
writing.
Example:
Good-
Dear Stella:
What a party!
You certainly did get all the girls together once again, and I'll
bet some of them are still talking about it. Best to you and George-
Marlene
This brief
note is especially effective if, instead of the host's husband,
you use the name of her previous beau. If she questions you, you
can sigh wistfully and say that you wished it had worked out for
them, but you know it's hard for some women to hold onto a man.
Better-
Dear Stela:
What an ambitious
hostess you are, trying to throw a party when you have all those
cats to care for. You must have been scrubbing and vacuuming all
week in preparation. No sooner had I found a clean spot on which
to set my coat, than Mr. Boots settled right down on it, leaving
me a souvenir I'll not soon forget. You are simply too much, to
attempt all those elaborate recipes, and I know the girls will be
talking about that peach melba for a long, long time to come. It's
no wonder your husband never fails to bring up your cooking, whenever
we meet..
Best-
Marlene
This note works
well on the chronically neurotic, especially if you mention a dish
that was not actually served. The host will begin to question her
memory, which will make her susceptible to future suggestions, for
example, that she forgot to return that $500 you lent her. Ideally,
you will also misspell her name in the salutation.
There is nothing
so sweet to the ears as an expression of gratitude. Done correctly,
you can retain your social graces and gain the upper hand in any
situation. You will rise to glory and power, knowing that you reign
supreme in your neighborhood. And, really, isn't that the point
of living?
©2006
Turquoise Taylor Grant
Other HW Articles
by Turquoise Taylor Grant
ABOUT THE
AUTHOR
Turquoise Taylor
Grant is a writer living in Southern California, a position which
she realizes places her very low on the ladder of "glamour" jobs
but darn, if she isn't still giving it a go. She lives on a 45-foot
sailboat with her boyfriend and lots of footwear impractical for
life at sea.
|
