Hot New Looks for Spring!
Happy Woman has been haunting
top salons and fashion runways to bring our readers some of
the hottest new looks for spring!
We've seen the return of the corset and panty girdle. With
women now requesting plastic surgery that gives them a larger,
Jennifer Lopez-like posterior,
the time is ripe for the return of the bustle. This is the
ultimate fanny pack, solving the problem of where to store
bulky items such as cell phones, bottled
water, and disposable diapers. With the embrace of the bigger
behind, could a slavish desire for saddlebag thighs be around
Jackets and blouses.
This spring's look in blousons, blouses, and fitted jackets
is to wear them buttoned down far enough so everyone can see
you are not wearing
styling sensation of the season is cat saliva, promoted by
hairstylists who woke up in the middle of the night to discover
their pet cats chewing on their
Cat spit allows you to shape or
mold your hair exactly as you desire. It is also extremely
healthful, harboring antibacterial substances and filled with
protein to make your locks
look fuller and richer.
Cat saliva has the alluring smell
of decaying tuna, which will cause you, when out and about,
to be trailed by an expanding entourage of neighborhood dogs
and cats. Hair clippings serve
as excellent organic fertilizer for backyard gardens. Be sure
not to fall asleep anyplace that harbors raccoons.
One downside to cat spit is that
it takes a lot of time for a single pussycat to adequately
soak your entire head. A solution is offered by humane societies,
which have been quick to
capitalize on this trend. Either adopt a passel of felines
or visit one of the new shelter salon rooms, where you sit
in a chair and are chewed simultaneously
by six or seven cats: Mr. Silly, Mr. Mittens, Mr. Fishbowl,
Mr. Robert Kirby, and so on. While you're at it, why don't
you use your feline's flea comb
to give those tresses a good tease?
this spring's sandals, designers have reached into the past
for the sort of flimsy, useless footwear worn by ancient priestesses
and Greek maidens, which
may have contributed to their inability to outrun sportive
gods that carried them off and ravished them or envious goddesses
that turned them into toads. These
strappy little numbers are constructed clumsily of primitive
materials and offer absolutely no support, though plenty of
flowers and rhinestones.
Platforms and stiletto heels continue
their dizzying rise as designers try to see how tall they
can make these shoes without actually causing women's feet
to break off at the ankle
when they fall off them (2.5 feet or .76 meter this season).
With footwear like this, even unfashionably short women can
compete socially and professionally
with their towering peers.
As a concession to medical authorities,
this year's hottest models include iron ankle braces, contributing
to already-long waits at airport metal detectors.
This is a big trend in fashion collections unveiled in Paris
this spring. We didn't know much about it, except that it
involved models from Chanel tromping
about the streets in high-heeled pumps carrying surfboards,
so we interviewed designer Zoë Vavoom to learn more.
Ms. Vavoom, what is surf chic?
chic is, how you say, ze ultimate style to bring you sun-starved
North Americans into spring. It is . . . bra tops. Two-piece
jackets with bra tops. Swimsuits.
Goosebumps. Fashionably designed diving gear. Snorkels and
aqualungs in vibrant colors. All at obscene prices. And attractive
seaweed in ze hair, which
is worn wet. Surf chic is . . .
Sand in the elevator?
Just so. And ze scent of Bain de Soleil and, of course,
ze surfboards . . .
So, Ms. Vavoom, how does surf chic play in the office? For
one thing, I suppose you have to use the service elevator,
with all those surfboards?
Oui. Surf chic in fact does very well in ze working woman's
domain. Because of zeir size, ze surfboards almost guarantee
a woman a bigger office. Zey can
be used to bar ze door to avoid talking to disagreeable persons.
To smack ze offensive coworker. As ironing boards if one's
skirt or blouse has developed an
irritating wrinkle. And for les hommes so smitten by
our beauty zat zey fall senseless to ze floor and injure zeir
spines, surfboards may be used as backboards
to transport ze foolish one to ze hospital.
So surf chic has many practical applications in the office.
And of course, if one actually works near an ocean . . .
in a floodplain, or low-lying areas . . .
Any last words on surf chic?
Oui. Do not forget to be rude to strange persons. Par
exemple, do not exchange zeir dollars for Euros so zey
can ride ze Metro. And give zem bad directions.
© 2003 Elaine Langlois