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The Skinny By Elaine Langlois

A rep from "Lip Service" gives us the skinny on the body part of the season:

Lip Shtick

Your eyes say no, but your lips say yes, yes, yes!

The body part of the season that you must lavish money on is . . . lips. Not hips or eyes or bosom or hair. Improving the appearance of your lips, or thinking about how to improve the appearance of your lips, or reading articles in leading women's magazines about lips, or staring dreamily into the bathroom mirror making little kissing noises while the pancakes burn, is how you should plan to spend most of your waking hours.

Are you satisfied with your lips? Well, you shouldn't be. Nobody's perfect. Especially women. Your lips are probably too thin. If not, they're too thick. Have you spent hour upon hour looking in the mirror in different lighting situations, trying for that perfect expression? If you're a guy, you haven't. If you're a girl, why haven't you? Doesn't that sum it up right there?

Your lips are a part of yourself. They are what you use to communicate with people and to attract them and eat sushi. Try doing those things without lips and see where you'd be.

Yet too many women take their lips for granted. You need to take care of your lips. You must put balm on them during the day and Vital Remoisturizing Bioflavin Epoxy Hydrator at night. You need to take them out bowling sometimes and to a movie.

We are the Lip Service, purveyors of lip-enhancing products for more than two years. You have probably seen our advertisements in famous magazines in which we share with you our exclusive secrets for improving the appearance of your lips:

Fuller Lips in 30 Days! Press your lips against a window or mirror for 20 minutes each day.

Fuller Lips in 2 Hours! If you have a food allergy to something like shrimp, eat a lot of it. Smear it on your lips while you're at it (best done not in restaurants but at home). Your lips should blossom to perfection!

Thinner Lips in 30 Days! As part of your evening beauty routine, fasten binder clips to your lower and upper lips.

Thinner Lips Anytime! Suck 'em in! You can also try sucking in your cheeks to make your cheekbones stand out. Did you know that there are 36,000 hits on a search for "thinner lips" in Google?

We are astonished that, in this day and age, there are women who don't know how to put on lipstick. So we are going to tell you. Not that we ever put it on. We're guys. We just sell it to you. We never, ever, ever put it on. OK, sometimes we do. But please don't tell our mothers.

First, apply lip balm so you won't have cakey lipstick. Nothing turns off guys more. Well, maybe some things. But cakey lipstick is right up there.

Then outline with a lip pencil. It should be neither too sharp (the possibility of permanent scarring) nor too dull (face painting). Have a steady hand, so you don't end up like the passenger in Airplane! putting on her makeup when the plane takes a sudden slide. Don't allow yourself to get distracted and wander off, forgetting to fill in with lipstick, or you will look like Waffles the Clown for the rest of the day.

Now the lipstick. Apply it with an index finger. Some women use a lip brush, but we don't sell lip brushes, so we don't see the point in this. This is your signature that you will leave on coffee cups, wineglasses, and office documents.

Lip gloss. Should you use it? We sell it, so we say yes. Put it all over your lips. You could put it on your eyebrows, too. And around your eyes. The stuff's hypoallergenic; shouldn't be a problem.

You can also make faces on your hand with your lipstick. You know, where you make a fist and your thumb and index finger form the mouth. Or you could write cute little messages on his mirror. Both of these should use up a lot of lipstick.

Our lipsticks don't stay on forever. What do you want, anyway? If we made lipsticks that did, you'd only have to buy one every couple of years. We'd go out of business, and what a situation that would be: us with no money and you, alone on Friday nights with pale lips.

Every 45 minutes or so you should pop into the ladies' room and freshen your lipstick. Freshen all your makeup. Spritz your face, too, or one of these days you will dehydrate into a prune. You know the drill.

But perhaps you are getting tired of all this making up. Perhaps you are thinking that it is time to accept your facial features and body and the natural aging process.

Maybe the real you has nothing to do with thin lips or one ear being slightly lower than the other. Perhaps you are ready to throw away your makeup and spend all the time and money you save reading good books and traveling and enjoying life.

Ha ha! We were just kidding! What about Botox?


©2002 Elaine Langlois

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