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Welcome to our new monthly travel column by Kerri Wood. Each month Kerri will scour the globe for the perfect Happy Women vacation!
FunCamp is offering an attractive all-inclusive package to fat camp this summer. For just $3,000 per person, you'll spend four wonderful weeks in serene paradise, while you focus on improving your body. You'll be staying at Camp Wide Load for the first two weeks, and then you'll float down river to Camp Even Fatter.
FunCamp packages are not your typical hamster wheel fat farms. If you want to loose a few pounds this isn't the place for you-- this camp is all about packing on as much extra lard as possible. The package includes a money-back guarantee, promising to send you home at least five dress sizes bigger-or more! If you only manage to bust out of your size 12 jeans and you came to camp wearing a size ten-you'll get your money back! Guaranteed! Don't worry about bringing bigger clothes, once you start increasing your girth, you'll be provided with a stylish tarp. The camp claims they've had only one incident when the tarp was too small for a campee, and that person had to leave by forklift.
After a complimentary welcome party and a twelve course "getting to know each other" meal, you will be assigned a personal chef/waiter/maid/masseuse. These sexy boys have all completed FunCamp's extensive training course at Camp Hard Body, and they all have the ability to make you a souffle while they fluff your pillows and give you a foot massage.
Instead of canoeing or playing volleyball, you'll be lounging in front of a wide screen TV, eating all the buffalo wings, buttered popcorn, enchiladas, and guacamole you can handle. All-Inclusive means unlimited beverages, so feel free to order a tub of double thick chocolate milkshakes or a barrel of Margaritas.
While most camps offer an arts and crafts tent, Camp Wide Load stocks a dessert tent. No need to make an appointment, just stop by and stuff your face whenever you feel like it. If you have a craving for chocolate mousse topped with double-stuffed Oreos at four o'clock in the morning, don't worry, the dessert tent will be there for you.
If you do feel like exercising, lumber on over to the Olympic-sized swimming pool. The pool is refilled each day with a different tasty treat. Some days you'll be doing laps through butterscotch pudding, and other days you'll be in dog paddle heaven, swimming through lemon meringue.
After two weeks of gorging at Camp Wide Load, you will float down stream to Camp Even Fatter. No boats or canoes are needed, your body will be your innertube. Once you bob into camp, you will promptly be weighed. At Camp Wide Load you were able to eat at your own abnormal pace, but at Camp Even Fatter your weight will be strictly monitored. The counselors are there to help; they want you to reach your full potential and be as huge as you can be**.
During your stay at fabulous Camp Even Fatter you will be treated to a series of motivational speakers, each telling their personal body stretching story. These stories of drive and determination will make you go for the gold, or at least for another platter of extra cheesy lasagna.
For more information about this All-Inclusive FunCamp deal, call 1-800-555-FLAB. You've got nothing to lose except your former skinny self!
**If campers lag behind, or are not reaching their full potential, force feeding may be an option.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Kerri Wood works as an editor/announcer at an internet content provider in Kansas. Besides the day job, Kerri freelances as a writer and editor, and is always looking for new opportunities. Please direct any scathing criticism or fantastic praise about the article to: firstname.lastname@example.org.