Uncheat
His Cheatin' Heart, and Other Options
The signs of
trouble are all too familiar to legions of wronged women: that strange
shade of
lipstick on his shirt; the call that he has to work late again;
the whiff in his clothes of
perfume that is not your scent. How dire! You should probably write
this fellow off and just get
on with your life. Single women do live longer than their hitched
counterparts, you know.
Oh, you're still here. OK, for those of you who insist upon making
lemonade out of your lemon of a relationship, let's review your
remaining options.
The Logical Approach
Men are supremely logical creatures. The problem-solving gene perched
on every man's Y
chromosome waves furiously for your attention. Give it a puzzle,
and it will gleefully set about
to find a solution.
All you need to do is sit your man down right in front of you, and
unemotionally state that his
cheating behavior is a thorny problem that you can't sort out. His
primal need to fix what's
broken will completely override his impulse to deny everything.
Please note that you have just
received an implicit confession -- so useful for possible future
divorce proceedings. Options,
not diamonds, are a girl's best friend.
Take notes as he lays out the blueprint you require to keep him
from ever cheating on you again.
Isn't he a silly creature? But he's smiling, and that's because
his puzzle-busting gene is busy
fulfilling its prime directive. You might as well have opened a
box of 8,000 loose parts for a
new gas grill. Pat yourself on the back, for you are brilliant.
Blackmail Is Free
At least for you it is. If you've discovered the identity of the
Other Woman, commence blackmail immediately. You can always use
the extra stream of income. Not only will Ms. Hussy soon get the
boot -- because of your implementation of the anti-cheating blueprint
obtained via The Logical Approach -- but she also will be making
regular deposits into your bank account for some time to come. Talk
about lemonade. This is a lemonade daiquiri, darling.
The Emotional Appeal
Unfortunately, most of us are not wired for logic when it comes
to matters of the heart. Therefore, you are well within your rights
to go whole hog on the emotional roller coaster. When confronting
your cad, feel free to cry, shout, laugh maniacally, plead, threaten,
etc.
There is only one ground rule you must stick to during your righteous
tirade: Look Your Very Best. At a minimum that means waterproof
mascara and a hairdo so perfect it could qualify for sainthood.
The best of you will also remember to dress in one of your most
flattering outfits, and step into the ring freshly manicured. Sharpened
blood-red nails are dynamite for the firestorm that is you.
Or, simply pretend to fall apart at the seams. Better yet, actually
do fall apart and require lots of expensive medical attention. This
guilt-ridden strain on your mate's wallet will keep him around for
months, possibly even a year or two, as you begin to see light at
the end of the tunnel and launch an affair with your therapist.
Now who's feeding at the Naughty Nosebag? Which leads directly to
your last and best option:
Turnabout is Fair Play
Why is a blazer always a fashion "Yes"? Because it's a
classic. Just so is the turning of the tables in a rocky relationship.
Why should you be sitting at home, hoping against hope, or swearing
that you'll get his shirts whiter next time? Gussy yourself up this
instant and head for a Ladies Night. Or sign up with one of those
discreet online dating services, never forgetting to subtract 10
pounds and at least as many years. You and your catch can work out
the math later, over lemonade martinis.
©
2007 Kate Heidel
Kate Heidel is a freelance writer living in Minneapolis. Her
work includes humor essays and poetry, genres so incompatible that
Kate's resulting inner turmoil can only be soothed by frequent shopping
trips to Designer Shoe Warehouse.
OTHER HW
ARTICLES BY KATE HEIDEL
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