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Happy Woman will not be running The Underwire Chronicles any longer. We hope you enjoyed the serial and a big thanks to Marni for the many laughs! Starting July 31 Underwire can be found at www.iconoclast.ca *

This Week:

MAY 29th: Yesterday Mr.Gimpy, who I am now calling "Mr.Gimpy" again, and occasionally "the Gimp," called out to me at the gym. I walked over, though I wanted to pretend I hadn't heard him, after he had said he wanted to talk to me "about something."

"Sure," I said, knees knocking. "What?" Am ashamed to admit that I was secretly hoping he would say "I want you back." Am even more ashamed to say that had he said that I am not entirely sure I would have said "Not a chance in hell, loser!" Though it is good that I am also not entirely sure I would have said "Yay! Yes you can have me back!" Don't know what I would have said...but it is a moot point because he did not say "I want you back." FULL STORY >>

MAY 22nd: Through sneaky methods -- by asking one of the aerobics instructors I am friendly with to pilfer company files -- I have discovered that Mr. Gimpy is at my gym on a free two month pass! His first day was in early May so he's there till early July, at least. If he decides to join he could be there FOREVER. The aerobics instructor informed me that Mr. Gimpy must have got the pass randomly, through direct mail, and not through a friend. Good, as I would have been nauseous trying to figure out which "friend" gave him the pass. A male friend? A female friend? FULL STORY >>

MAY 5th: Wow! Kitty has a baby. I can't believe it. She has a baby girl, born during the finale of the Apprentice. She didn't name the baby Carolyn or Amy or Heidi or Katrina or even Omarosa, though. She named her "Jaie Lynn." Yes, you heard me. Jaie Lynn. Jaie Lynn AnchorBob. I'm sorry, but that is a stupid name. I mean, I love Kitty, but Jaie Lynn? What a stupid name! It's like a soap opera name. Why not just name your kid Ashley or Brianna or Britney or Erica, if you insist on using silly soap opera names? Actually, "Ashley" I don't mind if it's for a boy, such as Ashley Wilkes in Gone with the Wind. But Ashley for a girl I hate. FULL STORY >>

APRIL 3rd: Am I the only person on this planet who thinks the United States should just carpet bomb Fallujah? I mean, what's with all the niceness and timorousness? What's with all the negotiating? I mean, we carpet bombed Germany and we nuked Japan and we've barely heard a peep out of those people since, right? (Okay, we have heard the occasional peep out of Germany, but on a relative scale of German behaviour, they haven't been half bad. At least they haven't committed genocide in a while. Though sometimes, when I hear Gerhard Schoder or Joschka Fischer talk about the US, I think, "oh gosh, why not a little bombing run for old times sake?"). FULL STORY >>

MARCH 5th: Date with John tonight. Wow, how great. I can hardly wait. And what is great, is, he has either called or emailed every day (or almost every day) since the last time I saw him, which was a couple of weeks ago now. So I feel almost...secure. But I'm getting ahead of myself. We're not even really dating each other...yet. And since I met John speed-dating, well, for all I know he had ten other matches and he's dating all of them. FULL STORY >>

FEBRUARY 18th: 11 a.m.-Got up this morning at 7 a.m. specifically to work on my Cheerleader column, but instead started Googling like the Madwoman of Toronto and forgot all about work. My newfound willingness to indulge NPR, now that I've discovered it's not as elitist, predictable and just plain tedious as I thought, led me to this great link regarding corsets. Really cool and also links to other great sites and stories about lingerie. Wonder if NPR needs a full-time lingerie reporter? Hmm...something to look into. Also would like to look into buying a fancy corset, or perhaps having one made for me. Have really only seen them on hookers and celebrities but according to this NPR story about them more and more non-hookers and non-celebrities are wearing them in everyday life. (Well, maybe not in everyday life, exactly, but at everyday gala evenings.) FULL STORY >>

FEBRUARY 8th: Noon - Speed-dating rocks! A week ago I was a dateless wonder, and now I have two possible dates lined up. And I even rejected one guy already. I feel so powerful. What happened was, Vlad, my speed-dating match who was, as I recall, "in marketink" and who was dazzled by the fact that I knew that "Vlad" was an Eastern European name, emailed me yesterday. He said he was flattered that I had picked him and that he would like to know how I would "like to proceed." Cute! Gentlemanly! So I emailed him back this morning and said I'd love to have coffee this week if he has time. So am waiting on that. FULL STORY >>

JANUARY 31st: Where the hell is Dr.Trebek? Have been calling him and calling him to no avail. He does not have a secretary I can talk to, so I just leave messages. When last I heard from him, he told me he would be away till "about January 17th" for a "psychiatric symposium" in Barbados. Barbados? Okay, maybe they do have psychiatric symposiums in Barbados, but shouldn't he be back by now? I'm relatively stable, but he's got to have some nutty patients about to completely go off their rockers without him. What can I do? FULL STORY >>

JANUARY 14th: 10 p.m.- Just watched the Bachelorette, as per my new New Year's Ideas that it is okay for me to watch such things, as opposed to hunting shows, say, or Monster Truck Rally. Think Meredith is really just a tad too pleased with herself, though, for someone who skipped her own Grandma's funeral. Also think that in choosing Rick for her one-on-one date she is revealing the kind of judgement that makes it clear why she is still single. I say this because Rick is so obviously gay. He's so gay! I mean, he brought her slippers. Pink slippers. Gay. FULL STORY >>

JANUARY 7th: 4 p.m.- Happy New Year, 2004. May this year be better than last year, which was definitely better than the year before.

Had a truly great Christmas, the fun starting when Saddam got captured. Knew it would be a great day when I woke up that morning and saw that Toronto had had its first significant snowfall of the season during the night. Love snow. Put the coffee on, fed the animals and then put on the TV only to see—on every durn station—what looked like a bum getting his cavities filled. Turned out it was Saddam. Pretty pitiful, actually. I mean, the man had months to run, oodles of frightened Iraqis no doubt willing to help him (or at least so afraid they couldn't do otherwise), probably millions of dollars stashed away and all he could come up with was to grow a beard, stop using Grecian formula and crawl into a hole? FULL STORY >>

DECEMBER 10th: 8:59 p.m.- Waiting for Trista and Ryan's wedding...oh Lord, what's wrong with me? One of my New Year's Resolutions for 2003 was to no longer waste time watching trash TV, such as the Bachelor/Bachelorette, etc. And here I am, almost a year later, waiting for Trista's wedding. Seems I started 2003 with Trista, didn't I? We all did. And then we sat through Andrew and Jen, who are now split up, and Bob and crazy Estella, who are now also split up. Kind of liked Estella, since she seemed so at ease with her forehead wrinkles. I have terrible forehead wrinkles, too, and am also at ease with them. At any rate, think I can see why we all care about Trista and Ryan-without them, we could have no faith in the ability of reality TV to bring us all true love, could we?







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