PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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What Women Want

25 Idiot Proof Ways to be her Number One Lover Man

By Julia Thacker

For most men, making a women happy is like trying to drive to Epcot without a map. They aren’t quite sure how they got there, and they probably weren’t paying enough attention the first time to go back on a return visit. So for the sake of all mankind, here are some tips that are guaranteed to turn an unlucky in love loser into a modern day Valentino. Just follow the advice below, and watch the women swoon.

1. Continually tell your girlfriend how exceptionally beautiful and talented your ex was. She will feel flattered that someone who has attracted such a woman in the past is now bothering with someone like her.
 
2. When asked to do anything around the house, deliberately do it badly in front of her so she‘ll be forced to do it right later. This will make you look charmingly inept.
 
3. Tell her to improve her knowledge by attending night school. She will be grateful that you are pointing out her intellectual defects and make plans to improve herself for your benefit.
 
4. On her birthday, don’t do anything she might enjoy. Instead, take her to a football game, drink copious amount of alcohol, yell obscenities at the players, and end the evening passed out in a pool of vomit in the toilet. She will feel honoured that you have allowed her access into your private world.
 
5. Tell her how attractive her best friend is. She will feel like a better person for knowing her.
 
6. When showering, always leave the soap in a puddle of water. Your girlfriend will enjoy cleaning up the gunk that has oozed into the tub.
 
7. When she is ill, stay at a friends house the entire time. She will be glad that she isn’t bothering you with her petty medical problems.
 
8. When you go out for dinner, hint that you don’t have much money with you and that she should order food from the set price menu. Then proceed to order lobster and a filet mignon for yourself. She will be thrilled that she is dating a man of such class and refinement.
 
9. Don’t introduce her to your friends and relatives. This will give you an air of mystery.
 
10. Admit that you find Betty Boop, Jessica Rabbit, and other female cartoon characters hot. She will not think you are abnormal; just quirky.
 
11. Be spontaneous! Plan a romantic getaway in seven months time. Insist however that she pay for herself, as this will encourage her sense of independence.
 
12. When planning to live together, alleviate the stress of finding space for her things by removing yourself and your furniture to a similar apartment across town.
 
13. If you share usage of the same computer, keep a collection of gay porn pictures in a file marked ’PRIVATE PICS. KEEP OUT!’. This will give you a get-out clause later if she brings up the subject of marriage.
 
14. If you plan to adopt children, tell your girlfriend that you want to follow the example set by the ultimate family man, Woody Allen. She will think you have a sense of humour.
 
15. Avoid arguments about how you leave the seat up when you use the toilet by urinating in the sink. She will think you are resourceful.
 
16. Don’t allow your girlfriend’s mother to hate you over a period of time. Instead, speed up the process by suggesting that the three of you engage in a threesome as soon as you are introduced.
 
17. If your girlfriend is fired from her job, and spends the night sobbing and talking about how useless and pathetic she is, agree with her. She will be glad that you have found some common ground on which to base your relationship.
 
18. Tell her everyday how much you respect her, even the parts of her that are ugly and worthless.
 
19. Solve the problem of your girlfriend borrowing your CD’s by systematically scratching each one with a sewing needle. This will teach her to respect boundaries.
 
20. Remember, a problem shared is a problem halved. Better this by dumping all of your overdue work on her desk and demanding that she finish it for you. She will be thrilled that you consider her to be up to your standard.
 
21. If she should leave you at any point, remember that you cannot force her to love you. Instead, make threatening calls, send dog mess through the mail, and follow her continuously till she comes back to you out of fear.
 
22. During your wedding, ask a friend to put his hand up during the part of the service that asks if anyone objects to the two of you marrying. This will give you a great story to tell the kids on your visitation day.
 
23. When she asks what you think of the lime green shirt she has brought, tell her in a contemptuous fashion that she looks like a fat Kermit the Frog. She will respect your honesty.
 
24. If you accidentally put her white undergarments into the washing machine with a red sock, leave the house immediately. Don’t tell anyone that you are going, don’t take any extra clothing, and leave your cellular phone and credit cards where she is sure to find them. Then, use cash to stay in a motel out of town for several weeks, contacting no one as to your whereabouts. Then, when you do finally return home, your girlfriend will be so relieved that you aren’t dead that she won’t have noticed that her bras are now pink.
 
25. On the other hand, if you return home and find your girlfriend watching a rerun of Will and Grace on the sofa whilst eating Junior Mints, admit that she is as much of an uncaring pig as you are and marry her immediately, as you will certainly ruin another couple if you don’t.
 

© Julia Thacker

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Hard working, gifted, humorous and intelligent. None of these terms apply to author Julia Thacker. However, this jaded 20 year old lives in England surrounded by books, chocolate, and neighbour alienating music.