PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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HURRAH! YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED!

By Kristin Dreyer Kramer

So, you're getting married. It's darn well about time, don't you think? You're not getting any younger, you know. You were starting to worry about the possibility of spending your life single and alone, weren't you? Doomed to a life of knitting doilies, buying books called Cooking for One, reading Reader's Digest, and talking to your twelve cats. But all of that is no longer a concern - because you've finally hooked a husband! Congratulations!

So now comes the fun part - planning the wedding. You want this to be the most spectacular day of your life, right? You want everyone to be in awe, right? Of course you do! Here, then, are a few tips to make your wedding day as showy as possible.

1) Make it known to the world.

You want everyone to know that you're getting married. You want everyone to know just how outrageously happy your life is - much more than anyone else's life, of course. For that reason, you need to think long and hard about how to announce your upcoming wedding.

Forget those plain old engagement announcements. Everyone does that - and you'd just blend in. Instead, consider something a little more creative - and a little more obvious. Perhaps skywriting is a good idea. Of course, that all depends on the weather. If it's a cloudy day, some people may miss your announcement. For that reason, I recommend taking out a full-page ad in any newspaper that may be read by someone you know.

When you place your ad, be sure to include a large picture of the two of you (looking euphorically happy), a bio of your fiancé (include important details, such as occupation and income), and a close-up picture of your diamond.

2) Ensure that everyone else will pale in comparison to your beauty.

It's your day, and thus you should look like a princess. And everyone else should look like trolls. As soon as you get engaged (maybe even sooner, if possible) it's critical that you stop eating. You have to lose weight! No matter what you look like, you're definitely much too fat to be a bride. In fact, wedding dresses don't even come in sizes larger than a size two. So start consuming nothing but water and celery now, and you should be ready to be married in about four years.

At the same time, you need to start growing our your hair. It would be disgraceful for a bride to have hair that was to short to be swept in a graceful beehive on the wedding day. If your hair is especially short, then you may want to consider hair extensions.

Oh, yes. And don't forget that every bride must also be blonde.

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About the author:

Kristin Dreyer Kramer escaped (barely!) from advertising agency life and is now a freelance writer (starving artist) who peddles her wares to a number of publications (under a number of super-secret identities). She recently snagged herself a new husband (Paul), who somehow manages to put up with her incessant silliness. You can reach Kristin for compliments, complaints, and generous donations at krdrkr@hotmail.com. And you can read her bi-weekly column about her recent wedding-planning insanity (it's called "Veils and Flamethrowers") at YourWeddingPlan.