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By Sarah Schaffner
So you've been invited to a baby shower. Which means that soon a friend will be bringing home a bald, toothless wonder, who can't speak coherently and spits up on himself. So what if you brought that home last Friday night and no one threw YOU a party? It was all, "Who brought this homeless guy here? What if he has a disease or steals from us?!" Not everyone can be as open-minded as you are. And by open-minded, of course, I mean drunk. In any event, you will now have to spend a Saturday surrounded by giant-bellied women obsessed with mammary glands and bodily functions. It's like a frat party minus the beer and testosterone. And what do you even know about kids? Aside from the whole occasional "wetting your pants in public" thing, you don't have very much in common with these miniature people, or the adults who feed and house them. Never fear. Here's a handy reference guide to make sure you commit no faux pas during the fete.
Let's be honest. No one likes to spend four hours watching a fat, sweaty woman swoon over her third Diaper Genie. You're going for the free booze, cake, and the little gift at the end. (Here's hoping it's a candle and not one of those baby socks filled with jelly beans.) But just because you view children as tiny incubators of disease, doesn't mean you can't put on a brave front and a little hand sanitizer, and help celebrate the fact that you're not the one with the ginormous ass. Oh, and the new baby. But mostly the ass.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Sarah Schaffner is a freelance writer and editor living in Baltimore, MD. She contributes a regular humor column to For Her Information Magazine and has survived more than one reunion using these very same guidelines. Depending on who you talk to, she may or may not have been a commodities broker at one time.
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