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We are pleased as tropicical Hawaiian punch to welcome our brand new columnists Mags & Dags! Each month in Bride Dish, Mags and Dags will help hapless honeymoon hopefuls, so set your bookmarks and enjoy!

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THIS MONTH

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: Tell me if I'm out of line. My not-yet hub Paolo wants his friend Benji to perform at our wedding. See, Benji is in a Seventies cover band, complete with disco –style jumpsuits and matching balls. I pictured our wedding as more "East-meets-West" Asian fusion, not "Past-meets-Yuck". I keep telling Paolo that I'm the bride, but his response is, "And I'm the groom". How can I marry my man, but divorce the discothèque?

NOT DENYING DISCO DRAMA

MAGS: This reminds me of a parable I once heard. This amazingly hot gal had to meet the boyfriend's makers, a.k.a. his parents. She was so not ready. This guy was more like a twelve-night stand, and they were only on night seven, right? So she had to dress to regress. That is, in the kind of getup her own momma would make her wear to family functions when she was an even younger thang. Did it work? Did the boy toy's parents prance with joy? No, they did not. Why tell this story in a bridal advice column? You can only cover up so much cleavage, love. My disco balls still peeked through.

DAGS: Do these manly morons not understand that you are THE BRIDE? Do they not yet realize that Bride is an acronym for "Beauteous Revolutionary I Deem Everything"?? You are the Queen of the Kingdom, or at the very least Barry's Custom Wedding Bivouac (check out our ad! No more than five weddings at a time!). Paolo is a poor excuse for a piss ant, and if possibly my tongue twister poured on your pathetic parade, well, you're pretty predictable.

Look Bride-o, it's normal to stick to your fellow's chinos like lint, but if he is the one, you're selling the big day way wee. What are you waiting for? Your Asian-Fused Golden Anniversary, where you'll be lucky if you can still chew on a spring roll before soaking your choppers?

FULL STORY

LAST MONTH:

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: I don't know where to turn, and frankly, I'm dizzy. My fiancé of seven years, Ned is still not quite over his ex, we'll call her Beulah. He sends her cute little emails, and even, get this, a Valentine's Day card. I've been able to overlook it because I've got this scrumptious rock on my finger, but the burden it comes with is enough to stone a girl. It seems that Ned wants to invite Beulah to our wedding, and he's even suggested having her as the best man! He said if I can't accept Beulah as one of the guys, then I'm not the girl he thought I was.

SEEING RED OVER NED

MAGS: I'm going to need to know more about the rock. Remember this old adage: If you're platinum coated, your man is devoted. Not to mention, we hope, loaded. Also, tell me more about this Beulah. How hot is she? If she's not too attractive, then she might be fun for me to have drinks with. See, I don't like to hang out with girls who are hotter than me. If we're comparably good-looking, then okay. Just keep in mind that I am not the dutiful best friend who helps Beulah toss salted peanuts at the gorgeous bartender to land his attention, only to hear about how good he was at mixing and stirring the next day. When I take a bartender home, my margarita gets rimmed. Ya dig?

FULL STORY

ABOUT MAGS AND DAGS

Mags is Maggie "Wild" Childes: Mags has never been married. She has however, dated married men, some prior to their nuptials. Thus, she knows a lot about the wedding planning process.

Dags is Dagmar Hewlett: Dags had her own wedding three years ago, but that's not going to prevent her from planning yours.

©2008 Christina Delia
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