PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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We are pleased as tropicical Hawaiian punch to welcome our brand new columnists Mags & Dags! Each month in Bride Dish, Mags and Dags will help hapless honeymoon hopefuls, so set your bookmarks and enjoy!

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: I don't know where to turn, and frankly, I'm dizzy. My fiancé of seven years, Ned is still not quite over his ex, we'll call her Beulah. He sends her cute little emails, and even, get this, a Valentine's Day card. I've been able to overlook it because I've got this scrumptious rock on my finger, but the burden it comes with is enough to stone a girl. It seems that Ned wants to invite Beulah to our wedding, and he's even suggested having her as the best man! He said if I can't accept Beulah as one of the guys, then I'm not the girl he thought I was.

SEEING RED OVER NED

MAGS: I'm going to need to know more about the rock. Remember this old adage: If you're platinum coated, your man is devoted. Not to mention, we hope, loaded. Also, tell me more about this Beulah. How hot is she? If she's not too attractive, then she might be fun for me to have drinks with. See, I don't like to hang out with girls who are hotter than me. If we're comparably good-looking, then okay. Just keep in mind that I am not the dutiful best friend who helps Beulah toss salted peanuts at the gorgeous bartender to land his attention, only to hear about how good he was at mixing and stirring the next day. When I take a bartender home, my margarita gets rimmed. Ya dig?

DAGS: I think what my coquettish co-columnist is trying to say is that Beulah (to an eye as naked as she probably is) is the catch of the day. This leaves you in the unfortunate position of side dish, and in this case, one of the bridal variety. So what's it going to be? Are the guests going to eat prime rib at your wedding or sloppy seconds? If your man has an ex on his mind, he's likely not the marrying kind. Return the ring; look at it as a jinxed jewel. While you're at it, sweep up the mirror fragments from those seven years of bad schmuck. Seven-Year Sally, is what I'm going to call you. More like Seven-Year Silly! Clip this column, and keep it in your purse whenever you're wondering how pathetic you are. Hopefully, you'll get with the program, because women like you irk me.

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: After a bachelor party camping trip gone awry, my fiancé is left terrified of bears. Polar bears on the Discovery channel, North American Black bears like the one he did battle with and even teddy bears! The problem is that our wedding is fast approaching, and I adore bears. I even had a wedding bear cake topper custom made with jeweled paws and pearl claws.

NO TEDDY BEAR PICNIC

MAGS:Unbearable! Too soon?

DAGS: Look Picnic, it's clear that your man's been through trauma. So you pour some wine, put on a teddy (yep, you read right, dear) and say, "This is my big day. Now what can we do to make sure that you don't ruin it with your embarrassing phobia?"

Listen; really listen to your partner. Hide his remote control so he can't watch any programming where animals nosh on people. This is warfare, friend: Guerilla Wedding Warfare. Oh, avoid gorillas, too, because in the dark corners of his festering mind they will be just as terrifying as bears.

Keep the teddy bear topper for your first anniversary cake. After a year of intense psychotherapy, he should be over it. Get yourself a lovely swan cake topper for your wedding day. Unless the girly guy is afraid of swans, too? Sheesh.

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If the words "manned" and "sand" meet your demands, then order Mags' new pamphlet Copulating in Cabo. It'll look so snazzy on some hotel nightstand next to your home pregnancy test or hangover remedy. This leaflet is sure to put the "Whaaat" in "What was I even thinking?" Send a self-addressed stamped envelope and a check (or cash is cool, too) to Mags' address. Oh, the price, right. How does $6.99 sound?

ABOUT MAGS AND DAGS

Mags is Maggie "Wild" Childes: Mags has never been married. She has however, dated married men, some prior to their nuptials. Thus, she knows a lot about the wedding planning process.

Dags is Dagmar Hewlett: Dags had her own wedding three years ago, but that's not going to prevent her from planning yours.

©2008 Christina Delia