PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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(In this edition: This particular mail bag finds The Bride Dish turning into a Boy Buffet, as males seek out their marital meat and pre-nuptial potatoes worth of advice.)

DEAR MAGS/DAGS:
I know women are the regular letter-senders to a column like this, but I'm a man in need. My grad school hombre Bart has been seeing this woman, if you can call her that. Okay, let's call her Delilah, and for good reason! It's not a lock o' balding Bart's mane she's after...although I'm pretty sure she'd rob one of his pelts for a mink stole. This girl is a gold digger with a capital "E" (You know, for "Evil?) Anyway, I don't want my bro to let a little somethin'-somethin' get in the way of our poker night. So what does Bart do at our poker game? He ups the ante. Pal is going to propose to this WITCH! I told him if he marries her, they will definitely get divorced, and probably before she has time to throw out all his stuff. Now he's not talking to me! What's up?

TOO BART FOR HIS OWN GOOD


MAGS: Dear Bart-Blocker, I don't care for your tone. Just because a girl is gorgeous, glamorous and...googly-eyed (what? I needed another "G" word!) does so not make her a bad person! There was a song on the radio about two or twenty years ago. I don't remember who sang it exactly. It was about love, though. You should really listen to it. Homework!
DAGS: Normally I don't agree with Mags, but in this case, I'll make an exception with a capital "E" (You know, for "Evil".) So Delilah is giving Bart a crew cut. Bart is not complaining. You are the only one complaining, because you're jealous. It's not your friendship that's freaking you out, either. Admit it, bro: you want your own cut and blow.

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: I have never written a letter like this, but I need advice! My bride-to-be has her heart set on a wedding that I just cannot afford right now. Only thing is: I haven't had the courage to tell her. See, Jennifer is a bit of a pampered princess. She's used to lavish vacations and shopping trips with rich guys. I lied to her about my finances, and haven't really had time to backtrack since the proposal. I was shocked when she said yes! The ring is a loaner from my jeweler uncle. Should I tell her the truth and risk losing it all?

PENNILESS AND SOON, JENNY-LESS

MAGS: Oooh, you are so busted, Buster Boy! What were you thinking? Never, ever, never again lie to a woman about MONEY! That's like lying to our HEARTS! Love is important, too, (what is the name of that song I heard on the radio?!?) but money is cooler.
Okay, I am going to try to help you. You say your uncle is a jeweler, right? So try to borrow lotsa rich guy stuff from him...a monocle, a gold walking stick, maybe a crown. Prance around with those items for a few weeks. Also, carry around some sacks full of money, and maybe play Monopoly like, three times, while chuckling. Then, when it comes time to plan your wedding, you tell Jennifer, "I'm sorry, my darling, but I have given my fortune to help the animals." This is a super plan, because women think animals are just the cutest ever.

DAGS: There's an old saying that used to get tossed around my elementary school playground: "Liar, liar you're a...person who lies." I didn't say I went to a very good school.

I'm going to tell you something revolutionary: just like there is more than one type of blood (important to know, since you're going to be either donating or spilling a lot of it in the next few weeks) there is also more than one type of women. I find that there are two main branches. I like to call these, "Them" and "Us". While I myself fall in the "Us" category, your precious Jenny Penny is most certainly one of "Them".

Now I'm not going to pretend that I would be delighted with a man low on dough, but at the same time, with pennies come potential. You can work your way up. A poor man can always become successful, but a deceiver? Honesty! And honestly, did you expect a shallow siren to sell you her fingers forever? My guess is that Jennifer's hand in marriage, much like your jeweler uncle's ring, is a loaner.
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Mags has a new one out. Part shopping list, part confessional, this is a doozy. Toothpaste, Whole Wheat Crackers, Honey, Whipped Cream, Oysters, Licorice Whips, I Forgot to Add Condoms is sure to make your list. Don't you forget to add the $6.99.

Mags is Maggie "Wild" Childes: Mags has never been married. She has however, dated married men, some prior to their nuptials. Thus, she knows a lot about the wedding planning process.

Dags is Dagmar Hewlett: Dags had her own wedding three years ago, but that's not going to prevent her from planning yours.

©2008 Christina Delia