EST. May 2000 (AD)


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DEAR MAGS/DAGS: Growing up, I considered myself a pioneer. You know, the girl who tended to go all-out. I was the theater kid who wore full La Boheme garb one year, then convinced my boyfriend to do Puck alongside my Hippolyta the next.

So my wedding date is set for this Halloween. Friends and family are wary of my bridal selections. One question for you: are candy corn centerpieces gauche?


MAGS: Yikes, you are too much! This is a column for BRIDES, and some brides don't lose it till their wedding night. Well, that's what I read in an old book that smelled funny. Why was I looking inside an old book that smelled funny? Trying to seduce the hot guy in the bookshop! Do my flirtations work? Do old books smell funny? Yes, of course they do. What was all this about again?

Oh right, your perverted letter to our fabulous advice column! Look, just because you're fully down with La Boheme (to be totally honest I've only just skimmed the Kama Sutra for the sexy sketches) doesn't mean you have to look down at the more innocent brides. So what if you lost it in high school by letting some guy "do Puck" to your "Hippolyta" (your naughty words, not mine!)? BRIDES read this column with their MOTHERS. Then they go to bridal salons and drink complimentary champagne. MMMMMMM. Makes you want to almost pretend to get married, doesn't it? Oh right, that's what you're doing, "Acting the part" right? Or is that some joke about faking orgasms I'm not totally understanding?

And in answer to your question: No, I'm sorry, but candy corn centerpieces are not ghosts. Can candy corn centerpieces become haunted? In theory, I suppose. But if you are so fired up about getting ghosts to haunt your tables this Halloween night, then you're going to have to discuss it with your wedding coordinator (who may or may not be able to work that into the budget).

P.S. In response to what you wrote earlier: No, I don't know "the girl who tended to go all-out." Was she in Busty Baronesses 4: Royally Nasty?

P.P.S. I mean, because I am a lady, (who writes for a respectable column and LOOOOVES her job) I do not get those channels. So my answer is still no.

DAGS: In short, I never cared for theater dorks. Seems you lost the costume and kept with the drama. How gauche (the only thing you have going for you is that you aren't as clueless as Mags).

The appropriate wedding reception centerpieces, my dear, are flowers. In lieu of flowers, you can set out candles. Candy corn should be reserved for what the guests get to pelt you with. Since you love period costumes so darn much, why not skip the wedding gown altogether? Instead, dress as Paul Revere, and run through the reception hall screaming, "The guests are coming! The guests are coming!" Scream your empty little head off. Your guests are entitled to a ghoulish treat. It is Halloween, after all. Mwahahahahaaaaa!

P.S. No self-respecting bride could desire a wedding like this. You say pioneer, I say settler.

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: What are some inexpensive honeymoon destinations? Please help!


MAGS: I love to go on a cruise! Seven days are better than four, but it sounds like you're a poor person, so four it is! Check out some sites on the Internet. I'm told they have pretty pictures and wordings for all occasions. Also, I was informed that I could meet my Grandma there, but I forgot the location. You know what they have in the islands? RUM! It's a must-see!

DAGS: If you like gibberish, see above. Cruises are okay, but you sound like you're feeling sorry for yourself. Well, you won't be getting any sympathy from me! Last night my husband and I got in an awful argument. I could hear him tossing and turning from his cot in the garage. It really put a damper on any slumber I got in our king-sized bed.

You and my husband are exactly alike: "Wah! I wanna go on a honeymoon!" "Ouch! The metal cot springs are piercing my flesh!" Get over yourselves! Do you think you are the only people in the world with problems? I'm the one who has to put up with you two! That's why I am padlocking the garage door before I go to sleep each night. And why I strongly urge you to consider a Safari honeymoon. As in, with lions.


Mags wants you to guess what she's going to be for Halloween! The mystery will be revealed in her new pamphlet Guess What I'm Going to Be For Halloween, which comes with pasties.

Mags is Maggie "Wild" Childes: Mags has never been married. She has however, dated married men, some prior to their nuptials. Thus, she knows a lot about the wedding planning process.

Dags is Dagmar Hewlett: Dags had her own wedding three years ago, but that's not going to prevent her from planning yours.

©2008 Christina Delia