PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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DEAR MAGS/DAGS: My cousin Brenda showed me your column, and I have to be honest: your advice is truly appalling. What kind of a message does this tripe send to young brides? How are women supposed to turn to you for guidance when your behavior is no better than some of the young socialites one reads about in the gossip magazines? Think about doing us all a service and handing over your pens, please.

CONCERNED CONNECTICUT COUSIN

MAGS: Eww, tripe! Icky Poo! That's the second grossest thing I've ever eaten. Well, the first might be pig feet when I was dating Michael. Noooo, I think it's venison when I was dating Tom. Ooh, once I put a caterpillar in my mouth on a dare, but I only licked it and put it back on the green leaf where I think it lived. I earned five dollars doing that, back when I was really young, like eighteen. Caterpillars don't stay in one place too long, though. It's kind of like having a timeshare...or subletting your apartment to a bumblebee. Right?

P.S. Thanks for the compliment! Love me some socialites!

P.P.S. I don't have my pen. I looked everywhere for it, too. Behind the vodka bottle, under the pile of lingerie that isn't fitting like it used to (probably thanks to the vodka bottle). It's kind of weird that you mentioned my pen during the exact same hour I was looking for my pen. Hey, did you take my pen?

DAGS: It's funny how often people misspell Connecticut. Not you, though. Personally, I like the word...all the "C's" and "T's"...plus one "u". Oh, and I can think of another word that begins with "C" that would fit you to a "T".

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: What are some "must-have" shots to consider for my big day? My photog wants me to come up with a list of pictures for him to take, and I am not sure where to start!

PICTURE THIS OH PRETTY PLEASE

MAGS: "Photog" rhymes with "groundhog", so your letter is already super cute and hilarious. Although, it isn't exactly seasonally appropriate. Anywhooo... pictures that have to be taken at a wedding? I'm a big fan of the groomsmen (as long as they are...um, groomed. Listen, if I wanted to do it with Bigfoot I would take my Aunt Harriet and Uncle Fletch up on their offer to travel cross-country in their Winnebago, 'kay? )

Hmm, what else? Make sure they take pictures of the bar from various angles, as long as the booze fiesta is top shelf. Any ice sculptures, because those babies are gonna M-E-L-T S-O-O-N A-F-T-E-R T-H-E W-E-D-D- what was I saying? Maybe a picture of your folks if they're paying? If not, why would you want to waste money on a picture of those deadbeats? Ooh, are you having like, caviar? Because you have got to take a picture of caviar! That way in the future, if you go to a wedding where there isn't any caviar, you can take the picture out of your little clutch bag and say, "A wedding without caviar! I feel for these peasants!" Then you'll feel super RICH remembering your own wedding, all thanks to the magic of PHOTOGRAPHY.

I think it's totally reasonable if they take some time to take a picture of you, though. Blackmail pics of the groom, too. Like if he's hooking up with a hot bridesmaid, or a hot wedding crasher (side note: call me, Hank! I don't believe for a millisecond you got food poisoning from Chilean sea bass! It wasn't even a destination wedding!).

Although if your new spouse is making passionate love to another woman, one serious question remains: Why aren't you getting to know one or all of the hot groomsmen? Think about it. It could save your marriage.

DAGS: At least 80 percent of the photographs should be of YOU. This is your day. Why do you need a big book full of Other People? What would you call that, anyway? Friendship? A Family? Perhaps some other stupid word that means Friendship (or A Family)? This isn't a Family-And-Friends Event! This is a wedding!

But if you insist on photographing your guests, moron, read on. In my the-opposite-of-humble opinion, a professional shutterbug should work with you to ensure the best lighting and posing is taking place! Any female guest next to you in a picture MUST be pre-screened to ensure that they weigh more than you do (also, the camera assistants should be on the lookout for H.M.P. a.k.a. Hairy Mole People. Essentially a Hairy Mole Person at a wedding is like finding a rabbit foot that isn't attached to a rabbit. What luck! Hairy Mole People will make you look all the less hairy. Any unsightly moles you happen to have will look like mere freckles when compared to the hair-clogged moles of the Hairy Mole People. These can be broken down into the subcategory of C.W.W. or Chin Whisker Women). Photo ops abound!

Look, it's not about being catty. It's about being catty on your wedding day! If I could've registered for ugly people, I would've had one for each of my sixteen bone china place settings...but this isn't about me. I'm gorgeous.

BUT even gorgeous people need extra insurance, okay? So if you come from a family of supermodels and yoga instructors, the next course of action is to hire professional ogres from the phone book. Look under "circus performers" or "contortionists" (but make sure they aren't the sexy kind). If all else fails, hire a good makeup artist specializing in Wart Applications.

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Mags was approached by a German artist to sit for a series of portraits. The end result is a pamphlet like no other, entitled My Back Is Stiff and I Have a Date Tonight, What A Drag, I Can't Move My Mouth, And I Need It For My Date Tonight, Which I Have, Like I Said. Also, My Nose Is Itchy, So Stop Yelling At Me In Foreign, Because You're Going to Absolutely Make Me Cry, and My Eyes Can't Be Puffy for My Date That Is Tonight. No word on the price yet, as Mags is no expert when it comes to German currency conversions.

Mags is Maggie "Wild" Childes: Mags has never been married. She has however, dated married men, some prior to their nuptials. Thus, she knows a lot about the wedding planning process.

Dags is Dagmar Hewlett: Dags had her own wedding three years ago, but that's not going to prevent her from planning yours.

©2008 Christina Delia