PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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Design High Fashion While Cleaning House!

It's such an inspired idea, if we do say so ourselves. Who needs another TV show in which snotty hosts with no real background in fashion get to insult women just like you while they pocket huge salaries? You don't

have a fashion background either, and you can insult yourself better than anyone! Just add the loathesome chore of housecleaning, and voila! High couture nudged right into your otherwise drab schedule, with low esteem thrown in at no extra charge! Let's get out the cleaning supplies, ladies!!

You're mopping the kitchen floor with your nifty Swiffer. As you flip it up to see how much dirt and grime you've captured, it strikes you: If the bottom of your Swiffer doesn't look exactly like a boiled wool pocket flap, what does?! Now everything you design will be simply dripping in flaps, darling. Pockets be damned. And nothing will do for your fabulous flaps but boiled wool bearing your trademark line of couture colors: Diego Slate. Blanche Blanc. Earth Science. You are divine.

Complimentary low-esteem kicker: Divine, that is, when you're not dressed like a cleaning lady and smelling like yesterday's sweats.

Now you're toiling away to fight stains with bleach and ammonia -- oops! Someone doesn't know these are a killing combo, so you faint dead away. Lucky you! Should you come to, there is simply no better time to gather fashion inspiration than when you're a heap on the floor. Everything is so marvelously swirly and nauseating! Why, the slats in your office chair look like ominous prison bars, and the wallpaper pattern puts you in mind of charging elephants. Wait a minute -- it's zoo couture! Animal prints held captive by bold black stripes. Faux ivory-and-fur accessories paint the masterful finishing stroke! You are fabulous.

Complimentary low-esteem kicker: Fabulous, that is, if you could just see your way to waxing that bikini line more than once a decade.

It's on to window washing. Let's stick with all-natural vinegar and water this time, shall we? As you run your paper towel over the glass, all those disappearing streaks fill you with existential dread as you contemplate the ephemeral nature of life itself. You are SO deep! AND so inspired to create your barely-there line of summer frocks, all made of the wispiest white cotton gauze, cinched at the waist with clear plastic belts fastened with vinegar caps. Of course you realize this collection requires your very own line of undies, as your wispy creations can't actually be worn anywhere in public, being that they embody the essence of wisp! AREN'T you a genius.

Complimentary low-esteem kicker: Although a genius colors her roots now and then, seeing how she isn't a complete idiot in the upkeep department.

And don't forget to dust your hubby's prized collectibles! He's especially fond of his miniature, talking Mr. Ed replica, made with real horse hair. Just push Mr. Ed's nose and the little Palomino recites actual lines from the ever-popular 60s sitcom. But wait! What's that he's saying?? "Horseblanket wool slacks, and don't forget the braided hay belts, Wilbur! Straw is so-o-o-o-o Ready to Wear!! And how 'bout a line of patent-leather flats topped with horseshoe buckles? O-o-o-o-oh, and don't forget the nosebag hats with veils made of -- Palomino mane! Whoever thought of a blonde veil, Wilbur? YOU just did!!"

That's what dusting a horse will do, of course. When you're a diva.

Complimentary low-esteem kicker: And not just some pathetic loony dusting a talking horse.

© 2008 Kate Heidel

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Kate Heidel is a freelance writer living in Minneapolis. Her work includes humor essays and poetry, genres so incompatible that Kate's resulting inner turmoil can only be soothed by frequent shopping trips to Designer Shoe Warehouse.

OTHER HW ARTICLES BY KATE HEIDEL