PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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Happy Woman's Postpartum Game Plan for Ultra Success!

All hail Supermom Jenny Masche of Arizona, who gave birth to sextuplets and, less than one year later, ran a marathon! You know what this means, ladies-no more excuses! So just sit back, relax (your very last chance), and read on to discover all the fabulously grueling competitions you can no longer avoid with that pathetic protest: "But I just gave birth!"

One Child

Clearly you're on easy street, aren't you? If Ms. Sextuplets can run a marathon, YOU must carry on as if you had never been pregnant in the first place. In this new paradigm, one baby doesn't even count! We don't want to hear about your little bitty Caesarean scar, or your so-called "fatigue." All you need is a cup of java and 50 sit-ups after a hearty breakfast. Post-partum depression? Nonsense! Now get the lead out and start training for the Tour de France right this instant!

Twins

Ever-so-slightly more challenging than one baby, this set of two is not so much an extra burden as a brand new set of dumbbells. As soon as the three of you get home, just scoop 'em up and start that weight training, lazybones! Episiotomy, schmotomy-you've got a decathlon around the corner!!

Triplets

Only half the trouble of Supermom's, which means you should be working twice as hard for that hike up Kilimanjaro! We recommend toting your trio up a steep 300-foot hill about 20 times per day to optimize your training. Tike number One represents your backpack, Two stands in for your rope and pick, and Three drains you of oxygen in a perfect simulation of the thin air you'll breathe at the summit in a just few months-Gasp!!

Quadruplets

You lucky gals have enough to start an official rock band! Everyone knows four is the magic number (can you say "Beatles"?), so get those punklets some teensy instruments and let 'em rock down the house! While they're laying down some sizzling tracks (oops, disgusting double entendre!), you'll be doing 300 daily laps in the Olympic-sized pool you had installed while you were in labor, because you're not one to waste a minute! So oil up ladies: Olympic swim trials for 2012 start pronto!!

Quintuplets

Now we're getting somewhere. But that doesn't mean you can just sit around raising five children. Exactly like Ms. Sextuplets did, you must begin training for the marathon without delay. And this is very important: when you do run the marathon and cross the finish line, KEEP GOING! Your minimum goal is an additional five miles to compensate for being one baby short, but really you should forge ahead until you break all distance records. Then again, you could humiliate your family and disappoint the media; we'll just leave it up to you. The hell we will-now get the lead out!!

© 2008 Kate Heidel

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Kate Heidel is a freelance writer living in Minneapolis. Her work includes humor essays and poetry, genres so incompatible that Kate's resulting inner turmoil can only be soothed by frequent shopping trips to Designer Shoe Warehouse.

 

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