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Yes, yes, some mags will tell you that honesty with your hubby is the best policy. Well it is when it's the best policy, but when exactly is that? When it makes your hubby mad or sad? When it makes him lose confidence in his big strong manlihoodness? When it leads to a nasty divorce and a waste of all that perfectly good money? Of course not! And then there are those stupendously clever times to keep a secret, and that's what we're aiming at today. Just in case you were feeling a little forthright communication coming on, we suggest you read through these darlings first, just to make sure you don't blurt out something very silly!
DO keep the following very, very under wraps:
Those fabulous red Manolos you tossed on hubby's debit card, because what else could you possibly have done? They were staring at you like two pedigreed puppies in need of a loving home. And really, if your man isn't careful enough to reconcile his bank account every month like a good breadwinner, he has only himself to blame.
Those five -- or was it twelve? -- botox treatments to make yourself beautiful. And since the big lug didn't even notice, you are hereby entitled to Full Rights of Plastic Surgery Without Hubby Consultation, until such time as he finally opens his eyes to the fabulous new you. He'll thank you for it in the end, we're almost positive.
That innocent casino night you've got going with the gals when hubby's at his charity poker. Always remember: playing for charity doesn't make it any less gambling than eight hours at your lucky slot machine. We're sure as Oprah that if you keep praying, one of these nights you'll hit the Lord's Own Jackpot -- so pull that lever 'til it hurts, and mum's the word!
That extra bit of help you've got every Wednesday to dust and vacuum. First off, the girl is much too cute, even though you expressly ordered an ugly one to keep your spirits up. Second, why shouldn't your man think you can do it all? You could if you were two people! And one of them were so cute you could wring her darling little neck.
That love child sired by "Nestor" back when you and your hubby took those separate vacations 15 years ago. Be assured there is almost no chance -- 80% max -- that your teenage daughter will try to contact her birth mother. Before the damned Internet, with all that pesky information available to just anyone, your chances of a meet-up would have been almost nil. But we're convinced it's still too much trouble. She'd rather Facebook any day of the week than establish mother-daughter relations she was deprived of her entire life. Don't even give it another thought!
That timeshare condo in Florida you bought at a ridiculously low adjustable rate during the housing boom from one Vinny "The Nose" Bambino. He assured you that nothing could go awry, seeing that his family had owned the property "since before the Bay of Pigs, sweetie." Just because your mortgage has now reset from 1.5% to 57% is no reason to panic and spill the beans. Vinny says you've got 60 whole days to "come up with the dough." We recommend you take that fabulous extra time to get a facial, lose 10 pounds, and click through our archives for advice on dealing with alpha males who have a tendency to, as Vinny colorfully puts it, "knock off chicks who don't pay me what they owe." Happy reading!
© 2008 Kate Heidel
© 2008 Kate Heidel
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Kate Heidel is a freelance writer living in Minneapolis. Her work includes humor essays and poetry, genres so incompatible that Kate's resulting inner turmoil can only be soothed by frequent shopping trips to Designer Shoe Warehouse.
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