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In light of the approaching summer season, it is very likely that you are
horribly overweight. If you wish to pretend that it's a matter of some uncertainty, then you may take our infallible Polka Dot Bikini Test before moving on to our delicious recipes.
1. Measure the width of one of the polka dots on your bikini bottom. Be sure of absolute accuracy!
2. Pull on bikini bottom. Let us just point out that, at this juncture, if your bikini bottom doesn't slip down to your ankles of its own accord, you are already on shaky ground.
3. Now measure the EXACT polka dot you measured before struggling to pull your bikini bottom over those undulating thighs.
4. Note that the polka dot has almost certainly expanded beyond its original width, and you have just wasted everyone's precious time. Now get to work!
1 can albacore tuna
1 cup vanilla yogurt
salt and pepper to taste
In blender, mix tuna and yogurt until smooth and stinky. Pour into glass and throw up just looking at it. Now take a 3-mile speed walk. After all, one purge does not a goddess make.
1 can premium liver pate
1 exquisite porcelain bowl
Delicately arrange pate in your best china bowl with silver fork. Place bowl on kitchen floor and call for kitty. While kitty laps up liver, you should be doing two miles on the treadmill, or you're going to get an appalling layer of skin applied right back onto those fabulous cheekbones. Now why would you want to do a silly thing like that?
1 clear glass bowl
Tear up large head of illusory Romaine into glass bowl.
Slice in 3 ripe rumored tomatoes.
Add 12 unsubstantiated baby carrots.
Sprinkle with 1 tablespoon unflower seeds.
Toss vigorously while running in place, and try to reach your aerobic heart rate in under 2 minutes. Maintain pace until you forget what your name is. Place bowl in dishwasher and wander around house in a stupor and ankle weights.
1 pot steeped Earl Grey tea
1 doily-lined biscuit tray
14 chiclets Nicorette gum
Neatly arrange chiclets on biscuit tray and pour yourself some nice hot tea. Always remember: Tea has no calories! It is righteous to drink tea!!
Engage in witty conversation with self while delicately chewing one piece of gum every fifteen minutes. When conversation is interrupted by drool, pull out wad of gum and dance the night away, because you are pumped!!
Children's Traditional Rock Soup With Seasonal Flowers
1 large saucepan filled halfway with tap water, carried outside
1 handful of lawn, not recently treated (look for the yellow or red flags!)
1 handful of small, varietal rocks
1 handful of seasonal flowers, such as dandelion, clover, or fallen petals
Mix everything together with hand and allow rocks to sink to bottom of saucepan. Take large spoon that friend remembered to bring and dip into soup, loudly announcing that you are ready to try soup. Giggle while sipping tiny amount. Make face and spit out soup, laughing and falling to the ground on your back, rolling from side to side. Repeat until tired. Throw soup ingredients onto lawn and run back into house with saucepan, forgetting friend with spoon. Do fifty knee bends and collapse in heap on the floor.
© 2008 Kate Heidel
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Kate Heidel is a freelance writer living in Minneapolis. Her work includes humor essays and poetry, genres so incompatible that Kate's resulting inner turmoil can only be soothed by frequent shopping trips to Designer Shoe Warehouse.
OTHER HW ARTICLES BY KATE HEIDEL