EST. May 2000 (AD)


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DEAR MAGS/DAGS: am a bride in distress! Initially, I chose nine bridesmaids for my upcoming wedding. Some of my maids are cousins and other Must-Choose-Them-Or-Risk-Offending-Daddy Wedding Bucks types. Most of the girls have fallen in line and responded well to my requests. One of the girls is my unfortunate cousin. For purposes of discretion, lets just call her Brittany Big Butt. I don't know what to do about this wretched woman! She's only twenty-four years old and perfectly confident in being her plain old self! You know the type: no makeup ever and no fun at all. She doesn't gossip, swear and she only had like, three drinks at my bachelorette party. She refused to hook up with even one of the male strippers (even I succumbed to their sweaty charms!)

My wedding day is weeks away...can I fire Brittany Big Butt today?


MAGS: Look, I'm sorry that you're F-ed up, but this is still a family oriented column! That said, nine bridesmaids equals almost ten bridesmaids...plenty of girls for a pool party or orgy (or both...I like to call the Pool Party/Orgy combo the "Porgy").

Because I've never technically been married, I totally feel qualified to give you advice about not being married. I can give you advice about being married, too, but I make a lot of it up as I go along. Why not? That's what doctors do. It's called hypothesomething. I forget the second part of the word. BUT sometimes people at shoe stores don't know you're exact size, either. So they put your foot on the thingy.

So the moral of the story is that you can fire your bridesmaid, but don't expect a really awesome gift for it. You're going to get something lame like a stand mixer. But then again, you're getting married, so when it comes to lame-o gift-o's (code for lame gifts) you kinda asked for it.

DAGS: I've gotten criticism in the past for always taking the side of the bride. To those people I say, "SHUT UP." I am a MARRIED WOMAN. Of course I am going to side with the white puffy gowns and over-priced tiaras. I am not going to tell you to put mosquito netting on your tiara instead of a veil, because you can do that when you are old and senile. You are young and beautiful! Rejoice! This is the only time in your miserable life where you can completely get your way! Oh sure, one day you'll have kids and everyone will give you attention for about nine months, but then the kids are going to run the show. Who goes to the dance recitals of married women? Who cheers married women on when they star in the school play? Who puts money under the pillows of married women whilst they are sleeping? If they are decent, respectable married women, then the answer is no one.

In the time it took you to come up with a clever moniker for Brittany Big Butt you could have fired her already. Don't second-guess your decisions as a bride! You'll have the rest of your life to do that.

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: Everyone tells me to be excited about my engagement, but honestly, it's no biggie. Why Ted felt the need to put a ring on my finger mystifies me. We have already traveled the globe together. We've also taken cooking classes and seen just about every worthwhile rock concert there is to see. We've been together for eight years, and I feel like we are just getting married to please our family and friends. I know there's nothing wrong with me, but how can I cope with my over-eager fiancé, plus the gaggle of guests who are determined to see me walk the white carpet in a matching gown?


MAGS: Eight years is a long time for people and dogs. Eight cheers for Ted for sticking it out with you for eight years! Because women get old looking really fast, but guys just get gray hair and look smarter (and if they are lucky enough to be British, the gray hair plus the accent turns them into Insta-Geniuses!) I know a bus driver who happens to be British, and he always lets me off at my correct stop, even when I'm stone drunk. Genius!

You don't have to get married just to make other people happy, much like you don't have to go to rehab just to make other people happy. If I were you I would stage a wedding at a park or someplace not expensive, like a yard or a store that sells bird food or the parking lot of a farm. Then I would smile graciously, accept everyone's generous gifts and hightail it to Maui. And if I were Ted, I would call Me on the telephone. Eight years! He's like an Action Hero! Then again, he spent eight years of his life with one person (you). Okay, an In-Action Hero.

DAGS: You dummy! Some guy cares enough to stick by you for eight years and now your family and friends just want to see you happy and married so they can all die in peace? But what do you care? There are lots of people who want to get married, only they can't find that Special Someone, because you are basically holding him hostage. If you don't want to get married, take that ring off of your finger and let us auction it off via this column.

What are you waiting for, anyway? The meaning of life? Career success? A bra that is actually comfortable? Female friends who aren't catty and jealous? I'm sorry, but it's NEVER gonna happen. Maybe AGES from now, but by then we'll all be long gone...just like your loved ones...waiting for your special day. See how selfish you are? As retribution, I am going to give out your home address to the first 300 women who write in! Take that!

UPDATE: My editor has alerted me that I cannot actually do that. Boy, it is your lucky day, Sensible STUFFY! So get married, will ya?

Mags does not have a new pamphlet out this month. She does however, have a sign on her motel room door that reads, "OCCUPIED".

Mags is Maggie "Wild" Childes: Mags has never been married. She has however, dated married men, some prior to their nuptials. Thus, she knows a lot about the wedding planning process.

Dags is Dagmar Hewlett: Dags had her own wedding three years ago, but that's not going to prevent her from planning yours.

©2009 Christina Delia