EST. May 2000 (AD)


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DEAR MAGS/DAGS: Do you think a Viennese Table display is a good idea? My catering manager is really pushing it. I was thinking of foregoing it entirely for a candy buffet...caramels in shot know, desperate times.


MAGS: If there's one thing that self-defense class taught me, it's that NO should be capitalized. No wedding is worth putting your dignity on the line. I am assuming that a "Viennese Table" is the sort of thing one might see in a back room while visiting some questionable parts of Europe, but Helga, you aren't in Europe anymore.

My Grandma Eleanor was a smart old lady. Well, not about makeup: she always wore too much on her teeth. And not about men: she only married one and not for his money (Hi Grand pappy Dennis!) But one thing she said to me was this: "Margaret, men aren't going to want the lollipop if you keep unwrapping it and handing it out to everyone who asks for a lick!" She said this to me a few times, because I don't really pay attention to old people.

Anyhoo, this totally applies to your situation. In my experience, more guys seemed interested in my lollipop than in Grandma Eleanor, and she always carried caramels in her purse. And shame on you for suggesting shot glasses! Shot glasses are exclusively for tequila purposes! Or haven't you ever been to a wedding before?

P.S. Of course you're desperate! Isn't that why you're getting married?

DAGS: I didn't have a Viennese Table at my reception, and I turned out just fine, didn't I? DIDN'T I?

So Uncle Chester won't get an apple tart, big whoop. Do you even have any idea what these people are saying about you? They're calling you evil names: names that incorporate a beautiful, sacred title like "Bride" and pair it with the lowest of common vulgarities. Here you are, trying your darndest to plan the event of their miserable senior-citizen-discount-grubbing lives and all they can say is, "Hey, why won't that snot nosed DJ you hired play my Louis Prima song?"

Do you know WHY the DJ wouldn't play your "Louis Prima" song, Aunt Loretta? Because it was MY DAY! That's right, I put that Louis Prima song and the Carpenters song and those two Kool & The Gang songs on MY "Do Not Play Under Penalty of No Tip List"! Goodness, I feel so much lighter now! Ha- ha! Haaa-hmph.

Look, I'm not losing any sleep over not having a Viennese Table because I, The Bride, expressly did not want one. However if you, The Bride, most certainly do want one...reach for the sugar coated stars. Make hubby take a weekend job at Home Depot. It will come in handy when he needs to learn now to build you a window seat/front porch/gazebo/whatever else you could possibly want made primarily of wood.

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: I am a bride-to-be who couldn't help but notice that neither of you have spoken out in regards to the current economy. Why? Oh, I get it. You're both rich and glamorous. Well, what about the rest of us? Do you know how hard it is for a bride-to-be to realize that her wedding will look less like the pages of Posh Princess Bride Magazine (which just went under and it was my FAVORITE bridal magazine. Not that I can afford to buy magazines anymore, anyway) and more like the flyer from Barefoot Arnie's Subs and Grubs? I don't want to be an Inflatable Tent Bride! I want to be an English Rose Covered Garden Trellis Bride! Do you understand what I'm saying, Oh Affluent Airheads?


MAGS: Hmm, so you want to be English. Well, maybe if you speak with a British accent when exchanging your vows? I've taken the liberty of writing you up a sample ceremony:

Officiate (Ooh, side note: I just learned this word last week! True story, I used to just say Talking-With-His-Lips-And-Tongue Guy, or Mouth-Guy for short): Do you take this Blardy-Blarpus for your Blippity-Bloop?

You: Pip, pip Cheerios, Govenah! Me favorite cereal in the morn! (That means, "yes" in the Land of England, and also counts as "product placement." I learned a lot last week!)

The End! How people can write in and say I'm "culturally insensitive" is so beyond me!

DAGS: You think I don't have my own troubles? My next-door neighbor has seven kids. Seven! All of them hungry all of the time! The whining and begging for food gets so unbearable...sometimes when I'm unwinding with a glass of Chianti whilst in a foamy hot bubble bath, I hear them wheedling through the walls. All of the lavender oils in the world can't relax me after that. You think I don't know sorrow?

Look, I know it's a bad economy when I only get to eat steak but once a week. And my parents keep suggesting that I buy store brand products. So now I can't even talk to my parents anymore! The economy is ruining my life, if you must know.

On the bright side: People probably more unpleasant and even uglier than you (I'm making an educated guess) have gotten married. Some of them were really poor! They had to get married without makeup, except maybe they made their own from berries and vegetables. And those veggies weren't even organic, I'll bet you. Probably Little Debbie crafted their wedding cake, and I'm not just talking about a short baker with a cutesy nickname. Do you understand what I'm saying? I KNOW pain. My neighbor has seven kids. Seven!

It seems that Mags has a new pamphlet out. It's called Dealing With This Economy in This Economy That You So Cannot Deal With. Thing is, she wrote it out on a twenty dollar bill. She thought it would be really cute and pretty-like to write it in big, cheerful bubble letters. She thought it would give people hope…but then she ran out of room. But the two letters she wrote were really snazzy looking, though.

Then Mags bought a really cute pair of teensy-weensy lip-glosses and pretended they were married. After repeatedly chanting, "I now pronounce you Strawberry Power Balm and Kiwi Glitter Enchantment" Mags realized that alas, she had spent her pamphlet.

Disclaimer: Of course, Mags doesn't really understand the economic crisis. Dags isn't much help, either. How are these two awful women employed in these troubling times? I know, right? We're thinking it's probably nepotism. Or voodoo.

Mags is Maggie "Wild" Childes: Mags has never been married. She has however, dated married men, some prior to their nuptials. Thus, she knows a lot about the wedding planning process.

Dags is Dagmar Hewlett: Dags had her own wedding three years ago, but that's not going to prevent her from planning yours.

©2009 Christina Delia