PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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DEAR MAGS/DAGS: My fiancé Jeff and I come from large families. Because of this, we are going to have many children at our upcoming July wedding. My future sister-in-law has hinted that it would be appropriate for us to hire a babysitter for the reception. She thinks it's a fair trade off, since she is allowing her daughter to be my flower girl. When I asked her and "Just who is supposed to pay for this?" she said, "You are. Consider it my flower girl fee". Is she out of line or what?

IRATE IRENA FROM PASADENA

MAGS: Or what. I mean: or what? I wasn't really paying attention, sorry-eee! I'm really annoyed, too. Not for you. I think you'll figure your own stuff out, like most wedding-people do. Besides, that's not really what I'm here for. This column thingy is a marketing ploy for the hotness that is my potential reality show. So far I have a pitch, a really short skirt and zero tan lines. Ooh, and a title: "Messed Up with Mags". But I'm afraid people are going to confuse it with a cleaning show or an intervention show, when it's actually a partying show. It's also 20 percent variety show, and five percent vodka ad.

If we are going to spend the time on you, I think I should let you know that kids stink up weddings royally. They take over the dance floor playing "Simon Says", when all I want to do is drink, shake it on the dance floor, and wake up the next morning next to "Simon Who?"

If you insist on letting sticky little gnomes take your special day down several notches, then why not let your large families watch them? Because there are some things that are awesome in mini-size (skirts, bars, jockeys I met at the Kentucky Derby) but kids are just not. I mean, what's the bartender going to let them do? Drink Shirley Temples and color on a placemat? That stuff doesn't happen in real life.

DAGS: I have to agree with Mad Mags on this one. Kids ruin weddings. There were zero kids at my wedding, and everyone had an intensely okay time. We didn't have a flower girl or a ring bearer, but instead, a Flower-Family Friend Roberta and a Ring-Holding-Great Uncle Donald Who Insisted-on Walking-Down-The-Aisle-With-His-Trusty-Macaw-Arnold-On-His- Shoulder. Things went swimmingly; Flower-Family Friend Roberta danced wildly and interpretively to Kim Carnes' "Bette Davis Eyes" until she was tuckered out. Ring-Holding-Great Uncle Donald became momentarily enraged when the waiters refused to serve Trusty Macaw Arnold a spaghetti plate. This was due to the fact that there was no separate "Flying Animal Menu" for Arnold to order from. All in all, my wedding was truly intensely okay. Do you think it would've gone so well if kids were present?

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: What are some hot favors for the summer wedding season?

ROCCOSBRIDE2B4EVANEVA (Via email)

MAGS: Well, I think holding the door open for the person behind you is still a very hot favor. Another good one is walking your cousin Phil's dog when he's between rehabs. Or if you housesit for your friend Pamela when she's in the hospital for a kidney thingy (bonus points for replacing the tequila).

At a wedding though, the hottest favor is passing a napkin with your phone number written on it in lipstick to all the sexiest guys. If you have access to a photocopier, than everyone can have your name and number to take home! That hot favor makes me wanna do hot favors!

P.S. I noticed you call yourself "Rocco's Bride". Ooh, Rocco! Was he that yummy stockbroker who bought me drinks all night in Atlantic City? Or was he that yummy restaurateur who bought me drinks all night in Miami? You know what! I think he was that not-too-photogenic-but-really-grouchy janitor who cleaned up my drinks after I finished drinking them and my stomach spilled them all over the hotel lobby in Vegas. Or maybe it's possible that you know a guy and I know another guy, which means two different guys have the same exact name?

DAGS: Sometimes I think Mags' Memory Lane needs repaving. In regards to the real issues, I think that for the summer of '09, the best favor you can give is a bottle o' wine. You don't have to do anything cutesy like with a monogram or a heart, because most people want to drink to forget your dumb reception. Why are the cocktail hours ninety times better than the dinners? How hard is it to defrost a chicken?

Lots of people think cookie or candy favors are the way to go, but I disagree. C'mon, a chocolate likeness of the bride and groom? Insert sarcastic "yippee!" If I wanted to see your future husband's head covered in chocolate, I'd knock him out and drag him to Hershey Park.

How many times do I have to type this, oh hoards of wimpy women? It is YOUR DAY. The ONLY DAY YOU HAVE LEFT! Soon the transformation will be complete! You'll go from Blushing Bride to Needling Nag. THIS is how your precious hubby will see you FOREVER! You won't be toasting your future; you'll be guzzling a warm beer in a dark basement a.k.a. "sorting laundry". Now the in-laws are coming up with fancy names for you, like "closeted alcoholic", and all because he can't find his softball jersey. Don't you understand? Do I REALLY have to do everything around here?

Why don't you just pick whatever the hell favor you personally want instead of wasting my time? Oh, because you're a moron. Right. Good luck with that.

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Mags has a new pamphlet out titled, "Everything I Needed to Learn So Far In Life I Learned at The Ritz Carlton. The Rest I Will Probably Learn Poolside at The Marriot." It costs $8.99, and includes a pie chart that will really throw ya, as it is shaped more like a bundt cake.

Mags is Maggie "Wild" Childes: Mags has never been married. She has however, dated married men, some prior to their nuptials. Thus, she knows a lot about the wedding planning process.

Dags is Dagmar Hewlett: Dags had her own wedding three years ago, but that's not going to prevent her from planning yours.

©2009 Christina Delia