EST. May 2000 (AD)


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DEAR MAGS/DAGS: I have been reading a lot about green weddings recently. My fiancé Greg and I care a great deal about one another, but also about our beautiful planet. Can you give me any tips on making our wedding day wonderful, while paying attention to the carbon footprint we leave behind?

Hopeful Helena

MAGS: Greetings earthling! I’ve always wanted to say that today! I guess typing it is funny enough. To me, green weddings sound like Saint Paddy’s Day. So I have three words for you: Irish Car Bombs. Don’t be scared Helena, I know they sound tragically awful. They are delicious and make me laugh for hours with this bartender Arnie. Have you ever met Arnie? I call him "Blarney". He’s a pretty big guy. Large and commanding, kinda sweaty. He’s not my usual type. He told me to close my eyes and kiss him. Oh, the goal of that exercise was to pretend he was the Blarney Stone. It’s a pretty important rock. I think it might be in the Alamo, or Congress, I don’t remember where. Did I mention that my three scary words are a drink? If you know Arnie like I know Arnie, you probably knew that already.

I think recycling and government are important. A good way to recycle at a wedding is not to use any cups. Just drink the liquor out of the bottle. You can mix it with soda or ice from another bottle or shiny tub thing if you are especially a wuss. This way, you have less mess to clean up, less to recycle (only yummy booze bottles!) This way, government is happy.

Also, it is up to you Helena, not to leave your carbon footprint behind. I learned this the hard way when I forgot my ipod at a bat mitzvah. Everyone acted like they didn’t know where it was, or who I was. They claimed I crashed the place to score free drinks. Well, I couldn’t listen to Lady Gaga on the cab ride home. I hope whoever finds my ipod hates Donna Summer, ‘cause I’ve got lots of her! Of course they might figure out how to delete the songs. Damn them.

DAGS: I recycle every other Wednesday. That’s how it works in my particular municipality. We have a recycling center where we can bring in bulk items between the hours of eight a.m. and noon on Saturdays. I also do an outstanding job of tying up my newspapers. Knot tying isn’t just a layman’s skill. It is an art form that I’ve studied intently during the three plus years I was confused for a boy scout.

To sum it up, I recycle, plus I eat five servings of vegetables a day. Turnip juice, I bet you don’t have the stomach for turnip juice! You can try to show me up with your admirable green wedding, Helena, but nothing’s doing. I am still a champion who recycles dutifully, donates her time and efforts to various charitable causes even when repeatedly asked to go home, and drinks turnips. In a word, I am GOOD.

P.S. I was going to grow a Victory Garden, but I feel I’ve already conquered my corner lot of property. Thus, I am the victor (which was what they called me in boy scouts, and may have led to all the confusion). Dags scores one, Helena equals ZIPPO!

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: I was thinking to myself that as the seasons change, as the leaves alter their delightful hue, that I am truly the luckiest bride in the world. My fiancé Carter and I have our health, a close-knit group of family and friends and a beautiful new home. The other day my co-worker told me she was worried for me, as I truly have nothing but gratitude in my heart. She says this is not normal for a bride-to-be, or for anyone. What do you think?

Content Catalina from Seattle, WA

MAGS: What do I think? I think you stole my ipod! "Luckiest bride in the world", that was ME! Well, without the stupid bride part. Tell me, how does it feel to have all that Donna Summer, all of my Madonna and Lady Gaga at your fingertips? All my Katy Perry! Those are like my theme songs! They define me! Without them I’m just gorgeous and sexy and everything is super quiet. Are you mad with power? I am mad without power, and I will tell you it does not feel halfway as cool as the other kind! To think that I will never hear Haddaway again…not until I save up the cash to buy another ipod. That could take DECADES with my drinking habit! Oh Haddaway, Haddaway…gone away…Haddaway.

DAGS: Blah, blah, you! Content Catalina…more like catatonic. Ha! This is why I have the column. I’m even smarter in real life, just in case you ever want to be dazzled. I would give you my address so you could come by for some rhubarb tea (unsweetened, of course) but Mags got in trouble for giving out hers to a fleet of sailors last spring. Also, I probably wouldn’t like you.

Women are supposed to be envious of each other. It’s just natural! There’s nothing like walking into a room, sizing another woman up and knowing she’s a dumb dumb dummy who wears a water bra. Then you think, "Those things are probably lop-sided" and you feel better about being alive. It’s like when you know someone is shy and self-conscious about something so you stare extra long and hard! Didn’t your mother ever show you the right way to be? My mother hand-stitched an "I’m With Stupid" sampler for me when I was a girl. I plan on doing the same for my own daughter someday. Women are supposed to hate and eventually overthrow one another. They pretend to be best friends and steal each other’s men. Just ask Mags! Just ask my husband!

Once you comprehend the way things are, you’ll get a grasp on social graces. Then you’ll strangle them. It’s that easy if you’re willing to learn. I have to go now, as the rhubarb is setting in. Not that I need to answer to you.

Mags is Maggie "Wild" Childes: Mags has never been married. She has however, dated married men, some prior to their nuptials. Thus, she knows a lot about the wedding planning process.

Dags is Dagmar Hewlett: Dags had her own wedding three years ago, but that's not going to prevent her from planning yours.

©2009 Christina Delia