EST. May 2000 (AD)


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DEAR MAGS/DAGS: I am considered a trendsetter amongst my social circle. My friends are more like groupies, since I am the star of the show. I rock their world, get it? But planning my wedding has been something of a snooze-fest. White dress, sparkly tiara and champagne toasts, what a drag! Everything remotely unique that I thought up has already been done on YouTube. So I changed my white gown to a bright yellow one with a leopard collar. Also, I ditched the sparkly tiara for this really cool headdress made of antique wood that used to be Thomas Edison's coffee table, or something. Oh, and taffeta from the formal dress of someone who used to attend Sunday school with someone else who used to know Tallulah Bankhead! I know, diva!

So this cost me a total fortune. Now as my wedding approaches, we do not have enough funding for an open bar. So I'm going the cash bar route, and was wondering if you fabulous females had a snazzy idea for a signature cocktail. Something that says, "Welcome to my badass wedding, grateful guests!" But not that expensive (unfortunately I'm going to have to save the Moet for my next wedding-go-round, kids!)

The Future Mrs. O. Riginal

MAGS: Not to spook you (just in time for Halloween, I know, right?) but I think you might be getting married for the wrong reasons. A wedding isn't just about the bride; it's also about the Booze. I capitalized "Booze" to show you that it is just as important as milk, vitamins and neurosurgery. And I heard that you might not ever need neurosurgery if you take your vitamins and wash them down with a glass of milk!

I want to say A plus on the outfit idea. You are going to look so awesome, like Lady Gaga's kid sister, or something! But you have also been a very bad diva. Depriving your guests of the awesome open bar factor is a sin. I know this because last Halloween I went to this awesome party and a priest was there with his friend the nun. They were downing shots of jagermeister with their friends Pirate Woman and Guy-Who-Didn't-Have-Time-To-Buy-A-Costume-And-Wore-His-Pajamas. Then we were informed that the bar we previously thought of as open was in fact crappy cash. Ooh, everyone was so mad and I danced all night with a werewolf!

Look, just because you are an awesome girlie and Thomas Edison lent you his Sunday school dress is no excuse for bad bride-equette. I will teach you something: real divas speed read, speed date rich guys and speed drink even faster! So date a rich guy before you get married and get him to pay for open bar! Solved!

DAGS: Hey moron, did you get a letter of authenticity with Thomas Edison's coffee table? Without this, it's worth nothing. Unless you believe it is. In that case, come over to my place! I've got an authentic bookshelf from that 1934 screwball comedy classic, "Ikea: The Musical".

So you need a signature cocktail for your lame wedding. May I suggest Pathetic Parrot Punch? It's what everyone who knows someone who knows anyone is drinking! You just dress up like a stupid bird (you've got that part covered, yellowbelly!) down a shot of the liquid courage of your choice. Then you sock yourself in the face a la Edward Norton in "Fight Club". Remember that scene? Great movie. I like movies where people hit one another, but even better when they knock themselves out! So punch yourself and umm…repeat. It's also a rockin' dance craze! So put that in your YouTube and upload it!

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: Do you think the groom should have any say in the total outcome of the wedding? I mean, if the bride's parents are paying? My future husband has suggestions for everything: music, food, even what gifts to register for! How can I tell him to mind his own business?

This is My Day or The Highway

MAGS: I like you, My Day. You seem like the kind of girl who would let her man slip away while she became totally obsessed with wedding planning. This is awesome for a girl like me. You know, the chick that meets your man in a hotel bar and listens to his sob story for five minutes, then drinks with him for twenty-four. Minutes or hours, who can really say? There's something so desperate yet desirable about almost-married men folk!

What you want to do is get your best girl friends (the more the merrier, this will make him madder!) to help plan the wedding. This is after you tell him only your opinion matters. Ooh, then get your mom involved! But not his mom! He'll go insane, do foolish things, and maybe just maybe I will get that Ferrari I've been eyeing for months now! Just mail me your future groom's name, address, how much money he makes and the location of your wedding, time and place. Because if there is one thing that I can keep a man and a motel sign, it is "OCCUPIED".

DAGS: What a whore. And you're not much better. Don't you know anything? Let the groom feel involved, like it's his day, too. It's like when I cook with my husband. I let him do something that he deems important like pick the shiniest mixing bowl he can find. Then I send him on a quest for a stupid ingredient, like dill weed. Or I tell him not to come back until he has something impossible to find, like curry powder imported from Switzerland. Then I get to cook in peace, and I don't have to raise my voice until I find Mags' phone number in his pants pocket.

Mags has a new Halloween mask out. It's called "Make Like Mags" and there is an instruction manual for wives on how to glue it to their faces. Then the happy Halloween husbands get to think of Mags all day and all night! It costs $12.99 and Dags' husband bought three!

Mags is Maggie "Wild" Childes: Mags has never been married. She has however, dated married men, some prior to their nuptials. Thus, she knows a lot about the wedding planning process.

Dags is Dagmar Hewlett: Dags had her own wedding three years ago, but that's not going to prevent her from planning yours.

©2009 Christina Delia