EST. May 2000 (AD)


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DEAR MAGS/DAGS: Please help settle a family debate. Is it appropriate for the bride and groom to have their own "sweetheart" table? I say it is, but I'm hearing major opposition. I need your help…a spa day rests on this.
Sore Sadie Spa Seeker

MAGS: Wow, your family is super involved in your lifestyle! Look, what you do in a hotel, motel or super discreet massage parlor is your own grown-up business. I have this friend called Corky, only we call her "Quirky", because she's really into fetish stuff, leather, dungeons; the whole bit. She's so masochistic she refuses to let a guy pay for dinner! I know, freaky-deaky. Anyway, her parents are the old-fashioned types, so they just exchange birthday cards and bake pies together. I think that is refreshing because they never have to hear about Quirky's "sweetheart" table, let alone see her tied to it!

Trust me, Sore Sadie (Why so sore, by the way? Is it rope burn?) The outside world does not want to know about your "Major O-Position" (your wording, not mine!) And what are you doing exactly at this "spa day"? My Fact Checker Pals have just informed me that a super discreet massage parlor might not even be discreetly legal. I'm sorry, Fact Checkers, if I don't speak Legalese! You cannot expect me to learn anything more than I already know, okay? I'm pretty sure I was born in this country, and I might even like to stay here.

P.S. Just remember when you are at the "sweetheart" table that it is super important to have a safe word.

PPS I have three safe words. They are…

P.P.P.S. Squirrel!

P.P.P.P.S. Crime!

P.P.P.P.P.S. Fighters!

DAGS: Ignoring everything Mags says (and keep in mind, she's the moron who saw an advertisement for a designer dress sale in a Rorschach inkblot test) I didn't have a "sweetheart" table at my wedding, so why should you get one? These tables are for those fools who think all they need in this world is love and one another. It's very important to sit with family and friends at these weddings. This is not because you love them, or any such crap. It's for two important reasons:

Reason #1: These are the people who know your darkest secrets and can blackmail you at any given time. They are aware of the skeletons in your closet, and know how to make them dance. So unless you want your life to become something akin to ghoulishly humorous Grateful Dead album art, you will heed my warning.

Reason #2: You might not like them, but you need these people. Who else are you going to complain to about the doofus you married? How do I know he's a doofus? Well, I put one and one together (a.k.a. you + him= doofity doofs)

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: Is a professional wedding photographer really necessary? My friends take great candid photos. Each one of them owns a high-tech camera. In this trying period of economic uncertainty, why haven't you informed your readers of effective ways to curb unnecessary wedding spending?

Also, it is important for people to put the "Thanks" back in Thanksgiving. Have either of you given this any thought? It's not just about the bird (tofu or meat variety).

Socially Conscious Connie

MAGS: Hmm, bird...that reminds me! If it's okay with you Connie, I'll pass on the tofu and go straight to the Grey Goose.

All of my friends own high-tech cameras, too. That's how I became the star of a little known film called, "Mags & Marty & Mike & The Other Mike (and Denise, too!)". It was direct to dvd, but reviewer "Sneaky" Pete Porterhouse gave it "three tickle feathers up", which they tell me is really good.

Also, here's a great tip for not spending money on a wedding. Don't get married! Then you can afford Thanksgiving every day! Or at least, every Saturday night!

DAGS: The only reason you're "conscious", Connie, is because I haven't beaten the stuffing out of you yet. Where do you get off typing your way into MY column, telling ME how to do MY job? Do I go into whatever pet shop you work in and tell you how to change the water in the goldfish tank? Do I tell you not to put that same water in the dog dish? I do not, and this is because I want you to get fired.

Look, I don't know if you work in a pet shop, and I honestly don't care. The point is that you are no scientist, and the world is not your petri dish. You are no fisherman, and the world is not your expensive aphrodisiac. I'm talking oysters here! Open your ears! Did MY husband bring oysters home for our anniversary? Of course not! He gave me a goldfish. Which brings me back to you, Pet Shop Girl. Don't tell ME what to do, and don't you dare come in here and make MY readers feel bad. That's MY job!

The wedding business is a finely oiled machine, like the holiday shopping season or the cosmetics industry. Telling brides not to spend money is against everything womenfolk stand for. Oil prices soar, so why shouldn't wedding rates? Finely oiled brides of the world unite! Buy lots of cosmetics this holiday season! From our advertisers!

Mags has a new beauty pamphlet out, complete with a mud mask insert! Order Mags Gets Dirty (not to be confused with her fitness dvd "Mags Mud Wrestles")for the low price of $9.99 (plus shipping & handling).

Did someone mention handling? You can't handle Mags! Her tips for wallowing in the mud will have you fresh as a… flower that grows in mud.

Mags is Maggie "Wild" Childes: Mags has never been married. She has however, dated married men, some prior to their nuptials. Thus, she knows a lot about the wedding planning process.

Dags is Dagmar Hewlett: Dags had her own wedding three years ago, but that's not going to prevent her from planning yours.

©2009 Christina Delia