EST. May 2000 (AD)


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DEAR MAGS/DAGS: My bridesmaids are busying themselves with my upcoming nuptial preparations. I honestly could not have done it without them! These lovely ladies-in-waiting have already completed the Bathroom Baskets, complete with tissues that are monogrammed and pink-packaged tampons. Only the best for my female guests! My question is: do we provide sewing kits for any of my missies in the event of mishaps? I would hate to think my guests may have button boo-boos or zany zippers!

Sweet Charlene the Bridal Queen  

MAGS: This language you are speaking, is it new? “Boo-boos”? “Missies”? “Nuptial”? Maybe it’s just the voice of my hangover talking, but your letter is sucking the gin right out of me!

I wouldn’t include anything monogrammed unless you are positive your guests have yeast infections. Otherwise you are just making a rude guess. They could be super embarrassed and even take their gifts away from you! That’s the worst! Even more than if three old ladies fell down three separate staircases! Do you want that type of something to happen?

Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t think baskets work too well in bathrooms. I tried it one time (okay, it was a hamper). If you are going to have a fancy wedding, you might want to spend the extra money and get a toilet bowl. Ooh, here’s a tip! Outside toilets are called porta-potties! You are so welcome!

DAGS: Sweet Charlene, can I call you “upchuck” for short? Seriously, what is wrong with you? Women like you make other women look cranky and irritable all the time. Even at their own birthday parties.

For that matter, what kind of a man surprises his wife with fish? If I wanted tilapia I would have ordered grilled tilapia at A RESTAURANT. Do not bring fish home for me to cook on my BIRTHDAY after I’ve had a hard enough time dealing with these nimrods (Mags included). And speaking of Mags, so what if she shows up at our home uninvited and disoriented? You call it crazy, she calls it Tuesday. And don’t tell her that SHE looks nice in whatever Band-Aid she’s wearing and claiming is a skirt. Tell me I look nice in my polyester pants suit. It’s my BIRTHDAY you fish-fisted fool!

Listen, all you need to stuff that basket with is something for vomiting and nausea. Make sure you remember to include enough for ALL of your guests. EVERY SINGLE PERSON who has to deal with YOU. Oh, but keep the tampons. Just in case your guests want to surprise you with a re-enactment from that movie “Carrie”. Didn’t catch that one? Oh, were you too busy watching romantic comedies? Well, you might even suggest that to them. Remember, it’s YOUR day!

DEAR MAGS/DAGS:   My fiancé Mickey and I are planning a winter wonderland themed wedding in mid-December. The other night we were sipping hot cocoa and watching “White Christmas” when we both realized this is our favorite time of year. We decided to go all out! Ho ho ho! So how can we get our guests to join in the fun? We were thinking of Reindeer themed table cards, you know, Rudolph, Blitzen, etcetera? How fun is that?

Jolly Holly in Joliet

MAGS: One time in Key West, I had a one-nighter with a busboy named Rudolph. Actually, the other busboys called him “Rude Boy Rudy”, and I found out why. It wasn’t because of blitzen or anything like that. I’m really not THAT kinky! And I’m not judging you, but isn’t that not legal in places?

Okay. Really. Here is where the feminism comes out in me. You said you “decided to go all out”. You then called yourself a “ho”, not once, but three times. And then you asked me how to get your “guests to join in”? Let me tell you something. That kind of party with more than four people is not fun. It is a crowd. It takes work. I don’t think you’re going to be able to put in as much work as your average single girl, either. Remember that this whole thing will be happening at your wedding. So you might just want to watch. Your guests will understand. They will just be happy you organized such an event.

DAGS: You are marrying a grown man who refers to himself as “Mickey”? Why not marry Garfield or Scooby-Doo or Yogi? At least you will get a good meal out of it. You know, because those three cartoon animals are known for snacking? ( Editors note: confusing and not funny. Consider Omitting.)Whaaat? Omitting my joke? I am a columnist! I am known for my ribald wit! WHAT? Forget I said anything! Ugh! Fine! This is the last time I attempt humor!

You want table themes? I’ll give you table themes! How about all of the ailments you can come down with whilst attending a stupid winter wedding? Table #1 is Diphtheria. Table #2 is Frost Bite. Table #3 is Whooping Cough. Table #4 is Bronchial Pneumonia. Table #5 is Crabs (Seat Mags there)…

Honestly, it’s people like you who make me retreat to my fallout shelter after a hard day of work. All I need are canned goods and Classic Television crossword puzzles. The world is a disgusting place, but in my fallout shelter it is safe, warm and the answers are always “Don Knotts” and “cream of asparagus soup”. Where was I going with this? Oh, yes. I’ll bet your winter wonderland letter contains SEASONAL GERMS! Don’t you EVER write here again!


We’re ashamed to admit it, but Mags has a pamphlet out. It’s an advent calendar filled with prophylactics. We tried reasoning with her, but she insisted that “prophylactics” were French for “yummy candy”. The basic concept of the advent calendar applies, except that each window opens to a new prophylactic and a photo of Mags in various outfits. There’s Bikini Mags, Hula Dancer Mags and Robot Mags (don’t ask). We never should’ve gone ahead with the idea, and we’re planning to destroy them all after the holidays. This makes these calendars….collectors items!  Please buy one for $29.99.  You could even buy one for someone you don’t like (which was the basic marketing attempt behind Dags’ Better Eat Your Daily Onion cookbook.)

Mags is Maggie "Wild" Childes: Mags has never been married. She has however, dated married men, some prior to their nuptials. Thus, she knows a lot about the wedding planning process.

Dags is Dagmar Hewlett: Dags had her own wedding three years ago, but that's not going to prevent her from planning yours.

©2009 Christina Delia