ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)
The Tonys have been awarded and for once on an award show, Athena feels the prizes were justly awarded. Best dramatic play went to "An Angry Alcoholic Wrecks Her Kids' Lives". Best Musical was awarded to "An Angry Alcoholic Wrecks Her Kids' Lives, With Dance Numbers". Best comedy went to, "A Funny Alcoholic Wrecks Kids' Lives With Brilliant Comic Timing". Best revival went to "Old Alcoholic Burns Down the Mill". Other categories awarded in a private ceremony were: "Best Kiss Between Two People Who We Hear Hate Each Other", "Best Fight Scene Between Two Men Who Would Clearly Rather Be Dancing", "Best Delivery of Lines While Eating Disgusting Sponge Cake Dressed to Look Like Meat". Technical Awards were given for "Getting the Light To Turn Off Only 3 Uncomfortable Seconds After the Actor Pressed the Switch", and "Set Design In Which All Doors Refused to Stay Closed After Actor Made Entrance And Closed Door Behind Him". Athena can't wait for the Oscars.
JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20) A newly launched NASA telescope (aren't there enough up there?) has begun scanning the cosmos for Earth-like planets. This intrusion into stellar space has created a disturbance in the constellations that normally govern Juno's fortune. This will cause Juno's hot flashes to erupt like flares on the surface of the sun, only a little hotter, scorching both Juno and her new lover, whose fly will melt shut at the worst possible moment. As Juno begins to cool, turning into a red dwarf, her new boyfriend will suddenly decide he's got to get up early tomorrow, and will most likely do so as soon as he's released from local hospital's burn unit.
APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21)
Between the 4th and the 24th, Aphrodite should be especially careful with negotiations, contracts and signed agreements. If asked to sign something she should deny it all, including her gender, making sure there's no way her identity can be traced even via her fingerprints which she should have filed off when she gets her next mani-pedi. That dotted line must not entice her signature to its rocky shores. No "full name" must be disclosed, nor I.D. shared. "They" are out to get you, but only between those two dates. After the 24th if they haven't already got you, you can relax your guard a bit, but continue to wipe out any footprints you make in the sand. By the 25th, Verizon's $49.99 a month High-speed Online Service deal will have expired and you can safely resume your life.
DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)
On or about the 17th, Diana will receive good news from an unexpected source. Diana's so used to picking up the phone only to find a tele-marketer on the other end that she decides to continue her momentum out the door and let the answering machine pick up the call, thereby missing the message informing her that she has 15 minutes to respond before the radio D.J. moves on to award the next lucky listener $10,000. This will be a hard blow to bear, especially since Diana's optional trip to the dry cleaners revealed that her skirt wasn't ready anyway. The 18th through the rest of the month will not be as joyous as it might've been.
DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22) Mercury is at an extreme angle to Uranus which prompts some of the guys at your office to make some really uncalled for comments. Don't they have anything better to do? Can't they finish that report and give you your copy so you can read it before the big meeting for once? But no, they have to wait until the last possible moment so they can make you sweat and suffer. This causes an office altercation, with people throwing both insults and paperclips. Mercury cranes his neck from that awkward position to see what's going on, after which Uranus smacks him and tells him to "pay attention".
VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22) Romance is near; you can tell by the heavy breathing on the other end of the line. This may not be the man of your dreams but you're certainly the woman of his, and in fact may be the woman of his recent video camera cartridge as well as tagged photos on Facebook that you weren't aware your in-laws were posting. Don't be so picky; men with technical skills like his are hard to come by and your gifts in this arena are limited: you just recently mastered email; the prospect of posting photos would melt your brain utterly. This is what it's all about; finding someone whose skills and tastes are complementary. If you like skiing, find a man who's obsessed with toy trains; if he likes to fish, it would be great if you like to decoupage. This is the way to keep interesting and lively the fights in which you will be constantly engaged!
PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23)
Your family life is so raucous, you'd like to hire someone to soundproof your head. Your kids will fight endlessly through the 19th, at which point your visiting sister-in-law will pick a fight with your husband, which lasts through the end of the month. You become annoyed at your mother who, during one phone call, overhears the fights in the background and decides that you are a lousy parent, wife, and daughter, and in fact, never learned to parallel park. Your shiftless brother calls and asks if he can stay with you until he "gets his life in order", which seems manageable until your father calls and asks for the same favor. Now's the time to refill that prescription you've been hiding in the sock drawer.
LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)
Saturn is in your twelfth house, which is odd, because you didn't realize you had twelve houses and you wonder who's been watering the lawns at the other eleven. This inspires you to hunt down these homes for which you apparently have some responsibility, and which, for all you know, might be in foreclosure, particularly if they're in Florida. Just your luck, all 11 are in a cul de sac in Clearwater, housing a family of gypsies which you didn't realize still travel with donkeys. Saturn stays in the garage of the 6th house, silk-screening colorful scarves for the ladies and cleaning up after the donkeys. You consider evicting the whole lot of them, but you decide better of it when Saturn shows you his profit margin on the colorful scarves.
ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)
Your summer vacation is still in the planning stages; you can't decide whether to go to the beach or the mountains; both have advantages. The beach provides the sound of water lapping at the shore and hot sands into which to dip your toes. The mountains offer the sounds of birds chirping in the morning, cool breezes, and a green vista of trees. Both of them seem kind of noisy now that you think of it; you like to sleep in on your vacation and you wake up at the slightest noise. Perhaps the most relaxing option is to stay home, crank up the air-conditioner, rent a bunch of romance movies and drink.
PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19) Now's the time to think about giving back to the community; either by teaching, volunteering at the local food bank, or returning those Post-it pads you lifted from the library. From the 2nd to the 15th, the security cameras will be out of commission; this would be a good time to toss that 16-pad pack back over the return counter and walk briskly away. Walk straight over to the food bank and offer to spoon out the chili; everyone trusts a lady with a ladle. When we all help out, the stars tend to align to everyone's advantage. The Stars in the Heavens are as susceptible to extra-curricular activities as any Ivy League school, so even if your motives are not purely altruistic, they may get you into a good horoscope in September.
PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)
Your personal trainer has a new routine for you this month! He wants you to work on abs on even days, on your legs on the odd days, and cardio three times a week. This is why you have been avoiding him for the last year. You really ought to get back to it; you're starting to look like Jupiter, only with legs and a double chin. This will be hard for you at first; starting a new exercise program is a lot different from starting a new pack of cigarettes, and requires much more upper body strength. Don't let the girls at the front desk intimidate you. They are not real people; not with bodies like that.
PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20) Money issues are resolved somewhat when you find a part-time job that adds to your monthly income. This is like spitting into the ocean but at least you're trying, and the income you were getting from actually spitting into the ocean was negligible. It was slightly more than you were making from sweeping beaches, or counting the stars in the sky, but less than you got for cataloguing snowflakes. Your new job, herding ants, reflects both your interest in animals and your desire to make tiny corrals out of toothpicks. Next month, you get a raise and increased job responsibilities when you are called upon to manage a flea circus.
Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own sign)
THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy)
A marriage is pending this month, but it's not completely a happy occasion since it's going to cost someone a bloody fortune and everyone knows the couple won't last more than a year. The groom has been spotted eyeing the bridal party with more than casual interest, and in fact told the maid of honor he thought she looked "hot" in green pastels. He also got laid off from his job early this year, the fact of which he plans to confess to his wife sometime during the honeymoon. In addition, he drinks, gambles, has a false tooth, and a recurring problem with incontinence. If this is your wedding, the stars suggest you bail. If it is not your wedding, enjoy yourself!
©2009 Debra Victoroff
ABOUT THE AUTHOR Debra Victoroff's humor essays have appeared in Penthouse, Cosmopolitan and The Village Voice as well as broadcast on National Public Radio. Her one-act comedy, "Table for Two" was recently published in "The Best Plays of the Strawberry Festival" and her drama "Letter From A Soldier" was a hit at the 2008 Walking Fish play festival in Vancouver.(http://www.straight.com/article-148353/walking-fish-festival) and won Debra second place in the NEW WORKS OF MERIT PLAYWRITING CONTEST. She honed her humor skills on the TV series "Sex and the City", entertaining the music crew with her constant complaints about working in the wrong department.