ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)
It’s the end of the summer and you find yourself obsessing about the 14 pounds remaining from your goal to lose 15 when you started your diet in June. Your exercise sessions with your personal trainer did not go as expected (he expected you to show up: you did not), and so a new plan is in the works. You resolve to watch what you eat, and this does not mean, as it has in the past, watching how high you can mound your plastic plate at the few remaining barbecues left this season, nor adding up the slices of pizza and dividing the number of people to determine how many slices you can take and still be invited to the next kid’s birthday party. Losing weight takes only two things: determination and unfiltered cigarettes, so get yourself a pack and get to work.
JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)
September brings the lower humidity that Juno loves, as well as a hairstyle that doesn’t require she turn sideways when entering or leaving a room. Seriously; how much product can one put in one’s hair before becoming a fire hazard? This summer was particularly bad, when Juno was invited to a party and retreated to the bathroom to look in the mirror after one guest attempted to put his glass on her head and play her teeth, thinking she was a piano. A short haircut might be just the thing for next summer or perhaps a wig made of fiber optic cable.
APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21) September is the time of the year that the kids return to school, unfortunately right on a path that runs through your backyard. It wouldn’t be so bad if they were quiet and respectful but kids these days are loud and armed and will kill you if you ask them to “keep it down”. In fact if you try to be subtle by putting a finger to your lips and saying “shush”, a 3rd grader will launch a rocket-propelled grenade into your garage. You might try to fence in your back yard or perhaps dig a deep hole and fill it with sharpened stakes but the last guy who did this had an unflattering movie made about him and had to move anyway. Patience is a virtue, as is having a big mean dog.
DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)
The 9th through the 24th will be mild with winds from the northeast causing unseasonably cool weather and the occasional freak rain of frogs. This will be of little note or concern to Diana unless of course she’s the meteorologist for the local news in which case, she’s got a lot of explaining to do. For the rest of the Dianas, the abundance of frogs will simply make their kids’ science projects a delightfully simple proposition, testing the theory of the number of frogs it takes to fill up a convertible if the top is left down, which was a trick question on the early version of the SATs if we can recall. Use this opportunity to learn more about the natural world and prepare for the “end of days”.
DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)A distant relative asks you if he can borrow money. The wisdom of loaning money to this guy who throws money away the way Rush Limbaugh does words, in his attempt, like a boy with a crush, to get President Obama to look his way, is questionable, even if you are a Republican and have a lot to spare. There will always be some people who cannot handle money and should be kept to an allowance, or penned in a small room where they are fed and watered and watched by benevolent hosts. You may recall the last time you lent money to a family member, they said they were using it for school and ended up buying a 62” flat screen TV and they still won’t invite you over to watch “Mad Men”. Practice saying “No” or “Yes” with 15% interest.
VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22)This month brings a health crisis you were not expecting and which is both painful and painfully embarrassing. Since you live in the United States, you most likely don’t have a job, and also since you live in the U.S. you also don’t have health insurance. Head over to the local emergency room, or if that hospital has closed (due to bankruptcy as a result of free treatment of those without insurance), there’s always the free clinic, or if that has also closed (due to bankruptcy), then ask one of your friends if she has any left-over penicillin from that time in Cancun. Cooler heads prevail in the Health Insurance debate and you can rest assured you will be covered in time for your funeral.
PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23) Happy Birthday Persephone! In this day and (your) age perhaps it’s time to give up on your archaic stand against wearing white after Labor Day, particularly since the public is just grateful when women wear clothes that cover their lower abdomens and men wear clothes that cover their lower extremities. You never thought you’d see the day when young men who wanted very much to be considered “tough” would actually pull their own pants down and wander the streets as if they’d been recently humiliated at the playground or were trying to get into a fraternity with an especially cruel initiation. What happens when these young men go dancing you wonder, let alone climb stairs or retrieve objects on top shelves? You become intensely grateful that you are as old as you are and that the men in your age-appropriate category still keep their underwear an uninvited guest until you request its presence.
LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)
The 10th through the 17th offer a window of opportunity in which to make amends for an overreaction to a friend’s irresponsible act. Even though that friend continually leaves you standing on street corners waiting for them, their cell phone ignoring your rings until it starts raining and you don’t have an umbrella and the place you guys chose to meet doesn’t have an awning or anything so you’re not only wet, but freezing and still she doesn’t pick up and then you think maybe she got into some terrible accident or met foul play because that could really be the only reason not to pick up her phone when you made plans tonight, for God’s sake, and so now you are thinking maybe you should call her parents, but you don’t have their number, and you think the battery on your phone is going to die anyway, so after 45 minutes on the corner you head home, in a state of deep anxiety and don’t hear from that friend until she calls you a day later, and says, “Hey, how are you?” and you say, “Where were you last night” and she goes, “Oh, I must’ve forgot, I was cleaning my apartment.” If you want to make amends it’s up to you, but just to let you know, the 18th through the 28th are for building additional deep and seething resentment. Your call!
ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)
Keep your dreams alive by acting on them. Whether your dream is to meet that cute guy in your writing class or to sleep with that other guy you met earlier in the writing class; whether you want to finish your PhD or finish vacuuming up the kitty litter in the bathroom, you should be able to fulfill all your dreams with hard work and perseverance. Your mother always used to tell you this, but who listens to their mothers, and she had no idea when she said that, that you were thinking of getting your tongue pierced, and brother did she change her tune when you fulfilled THAT dream! But whether you dream of scaling Mt. Everest or climbing a step-ladder and finally figuring out what the hell’s in that box hidden in the back of the closet, don’t let anyone say “no” to you. Unless of course that particular box is in your boyfriend’s apartment, in which case we predict that fulfilling this particular dream will turn into a nightmare.
PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19) Your job has got you stressed out and filled with anxiety. Although you asked for this position last year, they’ve only just now decided to give it you, after slashing the budget in half and laying off about 2/3rds of your co-workers, especially the ones who were really fun and who knew all the best YouTube videos which everyone used to send to each other and sometimes would gather around one guy’s desk to watch together after lunch. Have the higher ups recognized you as the responsible one, who was often the first to say, “Hey, maybe we should finish that report…”, or the unpopular one, who no one would ever listen to when you’d say stuff like that? You should realize that whatever your boss sees in you, your co-workers resent the fact that you got the promotion. No more “Wedding Dance” videos for you!
PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)
The 23rd is a great day for finding love; whether it means rekindling an old romance or initiating a new one, keep your eyes open for the signals that mean you are about to make a connection. Sometimes we’re blind to the signs that others are sending to us, whether those signs involve shy glances or loud explosions in which all the windows of the nearby buildings are blown out, one must always be aware of the ways in which potential mates try to claim our attention. Perhaps the guy who just dropped his whole plate of pasta on the way back from the buffet meant for you to look up, particularly since he dropped the pasta on your head. Now’s the time for you to wipe the red sauce out of your eyes and exchange a soulful glance with him, unless of course he meant to impress the girl with the enormous breasts sitting behind you, who seems to be laughing a little too hard for someone with such a flimsy bra.
PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20)Phoebe is stunned when this month, a Republican Senator says something that makes sense, offering it up in a professional and courteous way, listing his reasons in a polished and cogent argument that reflects a good deal of research, solid facts, and an admirable grasp of the issue. His stand is something that is both intelligent and forward thinking, as well as clearly aware of years of American history on this topic… oh, wait a minute. Saturn and Neptune are totally fucking with us. This is about as likely as Phoebe having sex with George Clooney, and Phoebe is not even interested in George Clooney! Saturn and Neptune have got to come up with a new bit. Seriously you guys. No one was ever gonna fall for that.
Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own sign)
THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy)
This month, the chickens come home to roost. This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to get a permit for a chicken coop but is just a figure of speech and refers to what happens when you fool around with your tennis instructor without finding out that his wife is the one who sets up the automatic ball feed thingy. You might want to wear a helmet to your Saturday session, and by the way, if in fact the chickens have come home to roost, and your instructor’s wife is in charge of the henhouse, what’s going to be coming at you from the ball feed won’t be tennis balls.
©2009 Debra Victoroff
ABOUT THE AUTHOR Debra Victoroff's humor essays have appeared in Penthouse, Cosmopolitan and The Village Voice as well as broadcast on National Public Radio. Her one-act comedy, "Table for Two" was recently published in "The Best Plays of the Strawberry Festival" and her drama "Letter From A Soldier" was a hit at the 2008 Walking Fish play festival in Vancouver.(http://www.straight.com/article-148353/walking-fish-festival) and won Debra second place in the NEW WORKS OF MERIT PLAYWRITING CONTEST. She honed her humor skills on the TV series "Sex and the City", entertaining the music crew with her constant complaints about working in the wrong department.