PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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How to Make Him Forget or Fear His Jealousy: You Choose!

Since the jealous man is not likely to change his stripes, we thought of some fabulously simple ways to get your possessive guy either to enjoy or to forget the simmering rage he feels every time he sees or even thinks of you winking at another fellow. By cleverly harnessing the power of human psychology, you will soon be free to flirt to your heart's content!

Jealousy is a big, juicy burger.

A lot of jealous men are avowed meat eaters. Therefore, what better reward for his insecurity than a half-pounder smothered in fried onions and melted cheese?

It will take a little discipline on your part, but for one month you must restrict all of your flirting to the home front with men on television. Every time you get a rise out of your guy, run to the kitchen and rassle up a juicy Flirt Burger. Behavioral conditioning is a dish best served with pickles!

Before you know it, your party flirting will only make his mouth water, and all you need do is promise him a drive-thru Whopper on the way home. A 30-point rise in a man's cholesterol is a small price to pay for a woman's freedom!

Jealousy is a hiatus from your most-hated female relative.

Mother, sister, aunt -- there has to be some female on your side of the family he could do without for his remaining life expectancy. Whoever she is, make sure you've got gobs of plans with her on your couple calendar. He doesn't have to know the dates are bogus!

As his blood rises in response to one of your perfectly innocent flirtations, pull out your Blackberry and pointedly cancel an upcoming event with the Hated One. Watch relief and gratitude wash over him, erasing jealousy from his cute little psyche. Remember, cancellation is to jealousy what valium is to anxiety.

Jealousy is cold, hard cash.

This is money well spent, and therefore it would be a pointless exercise to fill him in on your trips to the ATM. All he needs to know is that every time he gets jealous, he finds money: on the floor, in his pocket, behind his ear. Pretty soon, he'll forget about what you're doing with so-and-so's husband and switch immediately into treasure-hunt mode. Isn't he just adorable when he pats his pockets and scans the floor like a spaniel?

Now, if you would rather extinguish your man's pesky behavior than redirect it, you might want to try one of the following more exacting alternatives. And don't forget to have fun with these, ladies!

Jealousy is a stiletto to the shin.

Men love those ultra-high heels, and they do come in handy when he gets fired up over nothing. Just pull him in close and run your heel firmly down the inside of his leg. Ouch! Now I think I'll just go and talk to anyone I want, Mr. Tough Guy, hopping on one leg!

Jealousy is an electric shock.

Make sure that cocktail fork is metal, ladies, and slide seductively across the carpet on your way back to that fuming man of yours. ZZzzzzt!! Oh, my, did I shock you on the earlobe with my cocktail fork? I'm sure that won't happen again, darling! Or will it? Something to think about, you handsome hothead!

Jealousy is a careening SUV.

So the party's coming to a close, and your jealous guy is scolding you while he's helping you with your coat. Tell him you forgot something in the car to give to the hostess. When he comes out in a few minutes to see what's taking you so damn long, swerve your SUV directly toward him and then screech to a halt mere inches from his body. Pantomime swiping your brow and claim brake problems in a suspiciously unconvincing voice. Watch the gears slowly turning in his head. "Gee," he's finally thinking, "maybe I should go easier on her next time." Maybe you should, you big old lug!

© 2009 Kate Heidel

 

 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Kate Heidel is a freelance writer living in Minneapolis. Her work includes humor essays and poetry, genres so incompatible that Kate's resulting inner turmoil can only be soothed by frequent shopping trips to Designer Shoe Warehouse.

 

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