EST. May 2000 (AD)


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DEAR MAGS/DAGS: I have been waiting my entire life for my wedding day. I never thought it would happen for me, but finally, it’s here! The problem is that my bridesmaids are making it more about them. Here’s an example: I wanted to give out silver picture frames as wedding favors, right? Until my maid of honor Georgeanne mocked me. She said people throw favors in the trash, and there’s no point in giving out anything that isn’t edible! Plus the girls want me to dip into my wedding fund and splurge for a party bus! This thing is out of control!

Peeved Patrice is Panicking

MAGS: Oh no! The party bus is out of control! Reading that made me spit my entire margarita onto this computer screen and now this computer screen is shinier! Quick, check if there’s one of those “Hows’ My Driving?” stickers on the party bus! Call the number on the sticker! Tell those people! Or maybe no one is driving the bus, like in a movie! Or maybe a monkey is driving the bus, like in a movie!

I think Georgeanne’s name is funny because it reminds me of my Uncle George and also I think maybe some lady named Anne. Also, it looks like the George part of the name is chasing the Anne part of the name! George Part: Will you go out with me? Anne Part: No, I’m playing hard to get! Buy me diamonds! George Part: I can’t do it, I am broke! Anne Part: Now I just go by “Anne”.

You would understand my point more with puppets, which reminds me of the time I dated a ventriloquist’s dummy! What was his name again? Woody? Stony? Buddy? Dewey? Oh, there’ve been so many!

So where were we at present day? Oh yes, cookies. I don’t know if any of your thin friends have told you yet, but drinking is the new eating. So if you want to do your guests any favors, the word is “vodka” (which I think might one day be the name of my firstborn, if not Buddy Junior).

DAGS: It’s socially irresponsible and morally reprehensible to name your child Vodka, Mags. Why not just name them after yourself, or will “Filthy Skankette Moron Dirtbag No Bra Happy Hour Hooray” not fit on a standard birth certificate?

Telling people not to eat is almost as bad as telling them not to bathe. Actually, I take that back. Not bathing is worse because yours truly will most likely have to ride the bus with you. That’s right, sometimes I ride the bus. And I don’t mind it, save for those people who stink like they’re stinking out of their stinky stink holes.

I think party buses are for jerks. Why can’t your bridesmaids do what my bridesmaids did? They played mahjong with my grandmother. Not only did I not hear any complaints, but I didn’t really keep in touch with them afterwards. You see, that’s what ladies do, Patrice. They grow up. You don’t need a bunch of friends hanging around after you’re a grown up. Who wants that? One elderly woman whom you nod at when you are buying Lady Grey tea will do. And that’s Lady Grey, not Earl Grey, because I happen to be a feminist.

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: My future husband Ernie has a daughter, Jade from a previous relationship. Knowing how much she means to Ernie, what are some unique ways we can include Jade in our special day?  

Jade is So Precious

MAGS: Kids at weddings are like animals at the circus, adorable if put to work properly! Maybe you can rent a little maid outfit? Ooh and pay to have a name tag embroidered that says”Jade”. She can treasure it always! I can just see her taking it off of a shelf in the future (IF there are even shelves in the future! How scary would that be? Just floating shoes! IF there are even shoes in the future!) and saying, “This is what I wore when I was hired to work at my daddy’s wedding!”  

Think how cute she’ll be! Think of the tips!

Other ways to be important at your special day...hmm…parking cars, checking coats, ooh, maybe she could be a seat-filler if you have no-show guests! Also, if she sings and dances and people throw coins, well that’s change for the parking meter, baby!

DAGS: The other day I thought the apocalypse was upon us, when I glimpsed one of the proverbial horsemen. Upon closer look, I realized it was Mags, riding a donkey and spray tanning her chest, while wearing a tube top. So now I have to go to the eye doctor and the psychiatrist.

Look, you know the drill. Kids are cute! Everyone says so! Television guarantees it! Have the kid get involved by doing whatever your future husband wants. If he wants her to pick her nose while doing the Electric Slide, have her do it. If he wants her to fart on command to the tune of Ace of Base’ (remember them?) “Don’t Turn Around”, have her do it. And if he wants her to kick his ex in the shin repeatedly whilst you dance your first dance as bride and groom, DEFINITELY have her do it. I’m not sure if he would invite his ex to his wedding, I’m just speculating that the man you are about to marry is most likely a total loser.


Mags has no pamphlet available this month, because she has cramps. She says you don’t know how hard it is to be a woman, or an alcoholic.

Mags is Maggie "Wild" Childes: Mags has never been married. She has however, dated married men, some prior to their nuptials. Thus, she knows a lot about the wedding planning process.

Dags is Dagmar Hewlett: Dags had her own wedding three years ago, but that's not going to prevent her from planning yours.

©2010 Christina Delia