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EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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DEAR MAGS/DAGS: Please assist a blushing bride! My husband’s fraternity brother Denny is filling in as a last minute best man. This was after my first choice best man Cousin Alexander (or as I like to call him, “The Great”) was injured whilst trying to help local boy scouts build a state of the art go-cart. Cousin Alexander was a wonderful choice for Best Man, and will sorely be missed. Oh, he will still be present at our wedding, but will unfortunately be of no use to me.

The trouble with Denny is that he is socially unacceptable. He drinks alcohol out of kegs and I’ve heard he has used a, brace yourself, funnel. My future husband has turned over a new leaf, and I will be darned if Denny comes along and steps on my carefully raked leaf pile! If only he wasn’t so vile! Please ladies, how can I ensure that this Worst Man doesn’t turn my champagne toast into a champagne roast?

Demure Demetria will not be Degraded

MAGS: I have my own opinions about this entire thing! Here we go! Personally, I think a roast with champagne is a fancier meal than some toast. If you have to serve champagne with toast, then why not add orange juice? This will make it a mimosa. They always serve me mimosas when I fall asleep poolside. Daiquiris too! Brunch is a great post-hangover meal, and also pre!

This one time I was eating brunch on the beach, okay getting drunk, right? Well an eagle came and took my toast. It was French toast, too, the superior kind. Innocent bystanders told me it was a seagull, but I know an eagle when I see one. Plus, an eagle is just basically a seagull anyway, because they rhyme. It’s like the wise man once said, “Open your mouth after an eagle takes your French toast once, shame on you! Open your mouth twice after an eagle takes your French toast and you are still surprised about it; get a mouth full of eagle droppings!” That is a famous quote from the institutions!

Also, I never rake leaves without a funnel because in my experience sometimes kegs come out of nowhere! This is a great country!

DAGS: You, my dear sweetheart jerk, are a long way from the country club. What did you think would happen? You’d land a former fraternity moron and reform him? He’d take one long look at you and it would be all diamonds and mortgages? Don’t you know a decent man is like a four-leaf clover? It takes forever to find, but when you do? Easily crushed!

Look, you have more of a chance of marital bliss with Cousin Alexander. And judging from the ridiculous letter you wrote, I wouldn’t be surprised in the least if you took me up on that. Don’t you bridal broads get it? You let the man have his little man friend at the wedding! After that it is OVER. He goes home with YOU. YOU get to crush his dreams over and over again. Much like the elusive four-leaf clover, eventually it will be harder and harder for him to find something to dream about. That’s how marriage WORKS.

Aw, don’t cry over spilt nuptials, Dummy Demetria. You have about five or seven more times to get it right.

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: Is it too much to ask for a bridal party to CARE about the bride? I am going crazy here, coordinating vendors, packing favors and making decisions ALL BY MYSELF! All my bridal party members are doing is asking me if there will be an after party after my big day! This is how these ingrates contribute! What do you think? At this point I would actually consider firing them all and hiring actors!

Majorly Miffed Monica

MAGS: Well, don’t leave me hanging! Will there be an after party? That’s how I decide whether or not to go to these thingies, too.

If you expect things from others you will be so disappointed! I learned this one day! It is just like the time I showed up at the Senior Citizens Center with my martini glass to play gin! Or like the time I jumped naked out of a cake at that very same Senior Citizens Center screaming, “BINGO!”

Sometimes life is like this. Do you want to know the secret to my success? Happy B Words! I noticed one day that lots of my favorite words start with ‘B’ (also a word that my boyfriends’ wives call me, but that is another story!). Here is a list of some of my favorite ‘B’ words. You can totally cut the list out and keep it with you always. Or get it tattooed as an elegant tramp stamp:

So that’s a list of my favorite ‘B’ words. What were we talking about again?

DAGS: Boy oh Boy. Mags, you are dumber than a bucket of bozos. You know what really boils my blood? Okay, enough of that. Seriously though, when will you women learn to have smaller bridal parties? You show up at your weddings with an entourage of eighteen, and then get surprised when you stop speaking to ten of them prior to cutting the cake. Women are not meant to be friends. Women steal husbands. You want my advice? Ditch the bridal party and get a hobby. There are so many fun things to do independently. Solitaire is extremely fun. You can even play on your computer or phone! Or be old fashioned and play with real laminated cards. OR switch it up (sometimes play with a deck of cards, then the next hour play electronically!) What could be more fun?

I also enjoy crossword puzzles. Sometimes I fill in the blanks with the names of people I hate, if they contain enough vowels. Then I make a mental note to keep loathing and resenting said person. This keeps my mind sharp.

I also play little games just in case I am ever sent to prison. A college in Nebraska did a study and determined that there is a forty percent chance I may one day bludgeon Mags. So when I get to prison, I want to be prepared. My current fun game is hiding cigarettes in my various orifices. I have heard that cigarettes are great for prison bartering. It’s not much different than determining the currency of a foreign country prior to traveling. Look, when the poop hits the fan (and with the aid of a little bran) the cigarettes will start flying!

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Mags DJ one-night-stand Oliver O-Jammin’ has a new club mix available for download and featuring Mags’ vocal stylings. For a limited time you can purchase “Happy B-Words (Reindeer Flying a Kite with a Tail Made of Cough Drops and Knotted-Up Pantyhose Mix)”. The download is $4.99 and comes complete with a slideshow documenting Mags (and DJ Oliver O-Jammin’!) partaking in some of her fave B-word activities! BINGO!  

Mags is Maggie "Wild" Childes: Mags has never been married. She has however, dated married men, some prior to their nuptials. Thus, she knows a lot about the wedding planning process.

Dags is Dagmar Hewlett: Dags had her own wedding three years ago, but that's not going to prevent her from planning yours.

©2010 Christina Delia