PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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DEAR MAGS/DAGS: I am recently engaged and completely excited! My fiancé Thad is so amazing, and my future in-laws Buck and Lenore are such wonderful people! I feel as though I am skipping on a puffy white marshmallow cloud, wearing a glittery tiara in a fabulous romantic comedy! Only it’s my life! So why am I writing to you, you ask? Well, Lenore has been super helpful so far and encouraged me to begin registering for my Wondrous Wedding Day! So far I registered for a coffee maker and a toaster oven, but I’m wondering what else to register for? I don’t want my guests to think I’m greedy. Just having them at my Delightful Day is gift enough!

Farrah’s Fantasy is coming true!

MAGS: Question for you: Is what you are on legal in Colorado? Because I am going to be there next week. I’ve never been to Colorado before, but I’ve been to other islands, like Barbados and Vermont. Every time I go to a new place and get a parking ticket, I stick a pin in a map!

I think you should always register at the liquor store, and also a store that sells labels. Plus a store that sells pens or markers. This way, you can personalize all of your liquor, because that’s just what a new wife DOES.

Sweetie, I don’t want to say you are wrong, but I think I must. Registering for a coffee maker is a little greedy. I mean, how often are you going to drink coffee? Maybe twice a year when you have a big family party and want to unwind, right? A smarter gift to register for is a margarita machine. Or one of those margarita thingies that make other mixed drinks, too. What are they called again? I think a bender. No wait, a bender is what I was on all last week. Nevermind! See, you will make margaritas just as often as you make toast. There are way more vitamins in a margarita than in a piece of toast, anyway. Thank you juice!

I think aside from booze-making machines, you should also invest in some hot undies and silk sheets, too. Hmm…what else do I have in my apartment? Lip gloss, vibrator, and mouse traps. Diet pills, condoms and ooh, a coupon for a free tanning session! Are you writing all these down?

Actually, forget the undies! It’s better to be natural. Just remember to register for a tanning session, and ooh, I have a coupon for a Brazilian wax that I will totally sell to you.

DAGS: No. Unacceptable! Are you kidding me? This is the one time in your life where you can register for anything you’ve ever wanted or been curious about, and all you want to register for is a TOASTER OVEN? Oh, and a COFFEE MAKER? And you want to bring along your future MOTHER-IN-LAW? Is this some kind of SICK JOKE?

That “marshmallow cloud” you speak of has clearly vaporized some brain cells. Who cares what your guests think of you? Freeloaders! Some of them aren’t even going to give you a gift, mark my words. Then you’ll say, “Tee-hee, I’m sure Uncle Dick wanted to give me a gift in spirit! Maybe his present was just wishing me the very best positive energy for my oh-so special day!”

This is what I absorbed from the radioactive mess that is your life. You have a fiancé named Thad (too many things rhyme with Thad, by the way. Bad, Mad, Sad, Had, as in he had your twin cousins from Montreal, but I digress.) Thad has Mommy Issues. You are a clod who is completely okay with this. So much so, that you are willing to plan out your wedding with the future in-laws Buck and Lenore (and don’t even get me started with what THOSE names rhyme with! Unbelievable!)

Do you honestly think your in-laws want you to be happy? Really? Well, you’re wrong! They are going to view you as a Constant Outsider for the rest of your days! Anything that goes wrong in your marriage will be blamed on one person (Hint: Not Sad Thad!) If I were you, demented doll, I would register for anything that could be a pleasant diversion. Why do you think I am so into crafts?? Do you think scrapbooking and knitting and making decoupage trinkets are really enjoyable activities? It’s a little known fact, but Quilting Bees were originally referred to as Sad-Woman-Who- Can’t-Stop-Sobbing-Long-Enough-to-Let-Go-Of-The-Fabric-Oh- Great-Now-She’s-Blowing-Her-Nose-Into-It Bees.

Oh marriage! I think it’s customary when selling one’s soul to register for every gift known to (wo)man. And no, the devil does not have to stand over you monitoring your registry (Bu-bye, Lenore!)

P.S. Just register for enough stuff to make the post-wedding days bearable. I’m thinking no more than seven hundred items. Also, hope in your next life to come back as something asexual…but I have dibs on becoming a Venus Fly Trap! I put in my reservation with the universe YEARS ago!

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: I was watching this movie from the Sixties, I think, and in it the bridesmaids were wearing hats! Since I am going to be a bridesmaid next month, I mentioned this to the bride-to-be. I said, “Danielle, it’s going to be super sunny, wouldn’t it be nice if we wore hats?” Well, get this. She said, “No. Absolutely no hats. It’s MY DAY!” The reception venue is outdoors! If I get a sunburned scalp, it is ON.

My question is this: why are brides so mean? Don’t they realize that their friends are people, too? So what if brides have diamond engagement rings? Bridesmaids are still cool young women with excellent fashion sense! I just know that when and if I ever get married, I am going to be the coolest, sweetest, fairest bride in all the country!

Mistreated Michaela

MAGS: Michaela, I so like you. You get it. So what if we don’t have diamond engagement rings? We can still lounge poolside waiting for handsome men who barely speak English to offer us drinks and steaks! The only thing better than a drink or a steak would be a drink or a steak with a diamond engagement ring stuffed inside of it! Close your eyes and IMAGINE what that steak would taste like! That would be like winning The Meat Lottery! Delicious! Twinkling!

Brides are mean because they are stressed. They are gaining weight and fighting with their fiancés and personal trainers. Single girls are smarter because they not only date their personal trainers, but ALSO they have their personal trainers introduce them to engaged girls’ fiancés. Double the sex! Triple the drinks! Meat to the Fifth Power!

Ooh, I was just picturing the Best Steak Dinner Ever! Only how many diamonds do you think would fit inside of a baked potato?

DAGS: Hats? Seriously? You should be ashamed of yourself, Miscreant Michaela!

Let me explain something to you: Brides are the ruling class. We are stoic Queens, often living lives of obligation and misery. However, we trump little naïve bridesmaid brats any day of the week! If a bride has half a brain, she will make certain she gets half in a divorce. This is better than anything one of you single skanks could cook up. So put that in your potato and bake it!

If the bride tells you not to wear a hat on HER day, then you’d better not go outside wearing a hat for at least a month after the wedding! That’s right, a MONTH! And I don’t want to see you window shopping on Main Street for chapeaus, either! You’ve been schooled by a BRIDE, missy! And Brides all know what goes on with our wretched bridesmaids! We NETWORK. That’s how I know Fannie Pryce Barker’s spinster cousin Margery ate the rum raisin cake with her church group that Fannie was saving for her 40th Anniversary Party. Oh, it is ON, MARGERY!

So the moral of the story is: you show up wearing exactly what her Brideness demands! And maybe, just maybe, a “Kick Me” sign.

**Mags has taken Dags’ “Kick Me” sign idea one step further. Perfect for weddings, anti-war protests and corporate events, love will be in the air with Mags’ new “$%*# Me” signs! Not exactly what Dags had in mind…but who cares what she thinks, anyway? Can I get a high-five? And also, one of those super cool signs? That’ll be $24.99. Yes, love is definitely in the air. Well, something that smells kind of like love.

 

Mags is Maggie "Wild" Childes:  Mags has never been married. She has however, dated married men, some prior to their nuptials. Thus, she knows a lot about the wedding planning process.

 

Dags is Dagmar Hewlett: Dags had her own wedding three years ago, but that's not going to prevent her from planning yours.

 

 

©2010 Christina Delia