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DEAR MAGS/DAGS: My sister’s wedding is coming up, and I am going to be her right hand gal. Number One Maid, that’s moi. So I’m curious, ladies: any words of wisdom?
Sissy So Proud from Kissimmee St. Cloud
MAGS: Moi…wasn’t he one of “The Three Stooges”? Are you trying to tell me that moi cleaned up after the other Stooges? Wow! The things I learn about from writing this column!
Listen, just because your sister is right-handed, that doesn’t mean you’ll have to do everything for her. I’ve met right-handed people before. They can go on to lead full, productive lives. What I’m saying is they can go to a store, buy lots of products and fully use those products until the products are used up! How do I know right-handed people can make it in this world? Well, I’ll tell you a secret. I used to be one.
“Words of wisdom”, well, there are lots of words like wisdom. Smart is like wisdom. Also, the “Wis” part goes with “Wisconsin”, which is a place, even though you can’t see it on a map. The “dom” part goes into this guy I used to date…or should I say he goes into me…hee hee. I think Dom might have been from Wisconsin! No wait! That was Terrence. It wasn’t Wisconsin, either. It was that new part they added to Mexico.
DAGS: I am ambidextrous. This means I hate both right and left handed people equally, and with the bitterness of someone left to do all the work. Am I supposed to feel for you? Feel anything for you, the aptly named “Sissy”? Also, I went to Florida once. I received a rash for my troubles. Also, was presented with some orange juice that contained an abundance of pulp. If there’s one thing I hate more than the right handed and the left handed, it is pulpy orange juice.
Mags got one thing correct, and here it is: moi is a stooge. Of course by moi I mean you. I am not a stooge, no matter what my mother-in-law says. And don’t get me started on her cooking! Casserole? More like…grosserole. Yes, that’s it! Grosserole! Tuna noodle grosserole! Ha. Hahahaaaaaaaa! You know, they say laughter is the best medicine, but I prefer something that will render me unconscious.
DEAR MAGS/DAGS: I’m newly engaged, but I have to tell you, I’m not happy with the proposal. I wanted something intimate and private, like a walk on an empty beach. Instead, my now-fiancé Kyle got down on one knee in a packed restaurant and shouted out, “Hannah! Will you marry me?” Kyle’s proposal totally lacked originality, and I’m pretty depressed over it. What am I supposed to tell our grandchildren?
MAGS: Gee, the guys I go out with are the opposite of yours! I like busy places, but we always end up in empty motels. One time I spent a half hour in the trunk of this guy’s car, waiting for his wife to leave for her second job. It was pretty romantic, but I think it would have been better with candlelight! Also, I was lonely, but I passed the time telling myself campfire ghost stories!
Guys don’t seem to understand that a girl like me would eat at restaurants, too. I always get too busy to tell them, but we order room service a lot.
I think you should tell your grandchildren that you like peas and carrots mashed together, because young people today don’t know these things. Also, if your teeth are so important to you that you need to keep them in a floating jar of water, let them know. Otherwise we will think you just like to collect floating teeth, so you probably have many glasses of floating teeth stored in your attic! We might get confused and throw your floating teeth away. That’s when I stopped dating gentlemen in the oil industry.
DAGS: Heartbroken? Seriously? You stupid cow! Don’t you understand that your guy got down on one knee? This means that you own that knee for as long as you both keep breathing! Guys don’t do that anymore! They make good use of their texting plans. “Will U?” And women, you idiots, SWOON! Men today aren’t romantic, anyway. That was just a back in the day tactic to compensate for not getting any!
What the hell is wrong with you, Hannah? You want a secluded beach? As in, “no one will hear your screams”? You know who opts for secluded beaches? Serial killers! You know what a packed restaurant translates into? “I am a nice, normal respectable fool who likes to be seen in public with you.” The nerve of that guy! Next you’ll be telling me he got you a platinum band three carat diamond engagement ring, too.
Save your tears for when they come in handy, Heartbroken. As in, after-the-wedding.
Mags is Maggie "Wild" Childes: Mags has never been married. She has however, dated married men, some prior to their nuptials. Thus, she knows a lot about the wedding planning process.
Dags is Dagmar Hewlett: Dags had her own wedding three years ago, but that's not going to prevent her from planning yours.
©2010 Christina Delia