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DEAR MAGS/DAGS: I have never written in to a column before, but this issue rocks me to my maternal center. My son Keith is marrying a devil woman. Is there a nicer way to say it? If so, I don’t care. She is so evil that her greed practically shoots out of her skin! I know she just wants his money.
Every time I try to talk about these issues with Keith, he walks away. Any advice for mommy?
Not Ready to Kiss Keith Goodbye
MAGS: “Maternal Center”? Is that a new, fun workout? I like to do Pilates, except when I have gas. Also, they don’t like you farting in a yoga studio, either.
It sounds like Keith’s devil woman has a skin condition. Do you think it’s because she’s used to a warm climate?
Shooting greed sounds scary. I like to keep my own greed inside with my bones and blood, where no one else can see it. This way, it’s a surprise to all, like a hungry jack in the box! Surprise! I’m greedy! It’s your birthday but I want presents, too! I’m thirsty! I am drinking your drink when you go to the bathroom! Now I have to go to the bathroom, too! Don’t drink my drink!
If she wants his money, he should give it to her. This is very helpful in a marriage, and also, on a shopping trip!
DAGS : Here’s my advice to you, Not Ready to Kiss…you’d better pucker up! Your baby boy is leaving you forever. Aww, too soon? Suck it up, sister!
You’re probably one of those ninnies who complained constantly about having him around the house. “When is Keith going to get a girlfriend?” “When is Keith going to move out already?” “All my friend’s sons are married!” Waaaaaah! Now that he’s all grown up, you want to bundle him in a blankie and hold his man head to your boob? Speaking of boobs…well, you’re one! Don’t you know the old saying? If you love your son, leave him alone. If you keep your trap shut, he’ll visit you on Christmas Day. BUT NOT CHRISTMAS EVE, TOO! DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! THAT’S MY TIME! YOU GOT THAT LOIS? I mean…lady I don’t know.
DEAR MAGS/DAGS: What’s with the formality of expensive wedding invitations? Can’t I just send a message online through a social networking site? I mean, everyone is online, even Grandpa Vernon. Plus, I care about the planet. Why aren’t you guys doing your part in promoting paperless invites?
Smarty Bride Ready for Her Party
MAGS: Wow, you sound like one of those modern brides who don’t like presents. You must be really strong. Are you going to have one of those weddings where everyone brings their own food? If you don’t have top shelf liquor, I’m not coming. I mean it. Also, if we bring our own food, do we need to bring our own cute waiters, too? I’ve got two of them, Benjamin and Carlos. I call them Ben and Sexy, but only when we’re all eating ice cream together naked in the dark. Sometimes I get cold or stub my toe, but that’s the price I pay. It’s important to have traditions!
DAGS: Usually I side with the bride (as much as I side with anybody) but I am so fed up with Internet communication! Don’t you idiots realize you are making it so much easier for robots to take over? Call me paranoid, call my stash of canned peas and carrots an alarmist excuse to take over my husband’s man cave, but we need to be AWARE! Those little pictures you type to on the Internet? Those aren’t your friends from six years ago! You don’t have any friends from six years ago! Face it, you are alone, in a room eating cold, canned carrots and laughing aloud to YOURSELF! And YOU LIKE IT! But if you want anyone to show for your crummy nuptials, pay the monogrammed, embossed paper-toting piper and COMMIT TO SOMETHING! Because soon you will be older, squinting at the sun, wishing you had spent more time outside and away from your computer! Soon you will hate the taste of carrots from a can and wonder what COULD HAVE BEEN. Buy the wedding invitations! Have a normal wedding! And hello Granola Glutes, you think you’re so progressive? They even make these invitations on recycled paper now! No excuses, Cheapo! Rejoice!
Mags has a new pamphlet. It’s called “Exciting New Places to Put Pretty Leaves All Over My Naked Body” and is co-written by Guy Mags Met at That New Club, The Escape Lounge. I believe that is his pen name. The pamphlet costs $9.99, comes with some leaves from a tree and is clearly not for everyone.
©2010 Christina Delia