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DEAR MAGS/DAGS: I am a soon-to-be bride who is clueless when it comes to preparing for the big day. Would you be able to direct me to some sites where I can find the pointers I so desperately seek?
Pleading for Pointers
MAGS: Aww, I hate when ladies beg (but love it when men do, isn’t that too funny?!?) You say you are clueless and need someone to direct you. This is going to sound so freaky, but people have told me I’m the same way! Do you think we are related? What color hair do you have? Do you like dogs? I like some dogs, usually the ones that are purse-sized. They are so cute and love to go on adventures! We should totally buy dogs and purses! Then WE can go on adventures!
I’ve been dating this therapist, which is new for me, because I’m the one who has to pay him! He was “court-appointed”, which is a fancy way of saying we met through a matchmaker! He’s very cute and keeps saying he doesn’t mind if I date other guys! Isn’t that sweet? It is! I answered for you! Because we’re like twins! And because we are related now and have matching head and other body hairs, I will tell you what to do! Just like a sister! Or a guy you would date that you also have to pay! Weekly!
You want pointers? I have just the site for you! A construction site! There are lots of men there with tight jeans and guess what else? Pointers! Since you are seeking them desperately, I know they will love you! If you want to prepare for the big day (the day you get to see pointers on the construction site!) there are many free clinics I will tell you all about the next time we meet up for brunch and drinks! Free clinics have what you need to cover all those pointers! It’s so much fun being gal pals!
P.S. What’s your name?
DAGS: Just when I think Mags can’t get any more disgusting…see above. Look, Pointers, I don’t even know you. I’ve got plenty-o-trouble with the flesh and blood women in my life. That is, because blood still flows through the veins that are contained within their flesh! Just wait until your “big day”, Pointers. You’re not marrying a man; you’re buying into a low-quality psych ward. That being said, isn’t it terrific that Mags is finally getting the mental health treatment she needs? Even if she is too stupid to realize it!
Here’s a site for you: www.WeddedandHeadedforDisaster.com or would you prefer www.HowHighIsTheDivorceRateProfessorBecauseI’mAMatrimonialMoron.org
That one has pretty charts! Just remember, Princess: The glass isn’t half empty OR half full, it’s smashed to pieces and NO ONE gets to drink out of it! You got that? Oh, and welcome to hell!
DEAR MAGS/DAGS: How are my future hubby and I going to split the holidays so no one is offended? I feel like I need King Solomon
Mandy Wants to Cut the Holiday Melodrama
MAGS: Wow, a king! I never met a king yet. Wait, does Elvis count? Also, do princes count? What about Prince? I haven’t met any of those, though. What about a guy who asks you to make him FEEL like a king? Does that count? What about a guy with a Prince Albert? That has to count, right? Ooh, what if you’re playing naked checkers and one of the guys you are playing with yells “King Me!” Does that count? Does it count if the other guy says “This is a two person game miss, would you kindly put your clothes back on and exit the community center?” I don’t know much about kings…ooh, have you ever had High Tea? All I know is I woke up in a field and was super hungry! Then I found a pie cooling on a window sill and met a farmer’s wife! The pie was yummy! The wife punched me! She thought I was sleeping with her husband! I wasn’t yet, but did later! It’s funny how time keeps going!
Hey, you should split the holidays like I split that pie. In half! Then the farmer and I each got some! Or is that too stupid? Never mind, sharing never works.
DAGS: Split the holidays? Have I taught you NOTHING? Look, you’re getting married, right? It’s IMPOSSIBLE for no one to be offended. That’s not how marriage works. Marriage is a big, cold monument full of cobwebs and self-help books! A good marriage is kept together by a man’s blood and a woman’s crocodile tears. Just because you’re a member of the fairer sex does NOT mean you have to play fair! Dry cry your way out of this one! Tell him wrong is right, day is night and most importantly, his family is full of MEANIES! I guarantee things should be going your way in no time!
Mags has a new pamphlet. It’s called “Exciting New Places to Put Pretty Leaves All Over My Naked Body” and is co-written by Guy Mags Met at That New Club, The Escape Lounge. I believe that is his pen name. The pamphlet costs $9.99, comes with some leaves from a tree and is clearly not for everyone.
©2010 Christina Delia