ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)
Autumn has finally arrived and with it, the departure of the children! Thank God they’re finally out of the house. After a summer like you’ve had, it was either them or you, and you weren’t leaving without a fight or the flat screen TV. But now that Athena has the house to herself during the day, she can indulge in soap operas, long baths and day-trading. She does sometimes wonder where the children went since they haven’t been seen since September 14 th, but she’s sure they’re in good hands wherever the heck they are.
JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20) This season is known for its falling leaves and better-than-average TV programming which is like saying a better-than-average itchy rash. The CSI procedurals make city sidewalks look like bodies are as plentiful and as easy to step on as dog poop, sitcoms make stepping into dog poop a comedy highlight, and reality programming actually is dog poop. This is frankly insulting to your dog who takes pride in his leavings which signal to peers that he is the king of your tree lawn. Juno decides this month to give her dog the remote as a chew toy at least until the mid-season replacements.
APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21) This month Aphrodite is again amazed at the ego of men, even as they morph grotesquely into old age. It’s true that men typically age better than women; getting better looking as their hair turns gray and they form sexy crinkles at the corner of their eyes. But men’s egos permit them to think they are really great looking when in fact they are just “ok” looking, and also think that they’re great looking when they are as homely as fried okra. This presents a problem when Aphrodite wants to date one of these specimens, and he thinks he deserves better, perhaps Cindy Crawford or Demi Moore (if only he could meet them) or at least any woman from the cast of “Survivor: Maldives”. This remains a problem this month and next, and throughout eternity.
DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22) We learn from the mistakes of others and this is why reality TV shows are essentially long-form Public Service Announcements. Diana in particular can learn a lesson from those notorious fish-lipped train wrecks Oksana Grigorieva, the Octo-mom and all the women from “Real Housewives of New Jersey”. What do they all have in common? After pondering the question, Diana comes up with: “bad plastic surgeons”, “sexual partners with low standards” and “Mel Gibson’s syphilitic penis”, but actually it's a genetic inability to tell the difference between truth, beauty, and a stack of fifty dollar bills bundled with a rubber band. The lesson for Diana? Money is not the path to either truth or beauty, and may in fact lead one to a bad plastic surgeon or worse: Mel Gibson’s syphilitic penis.
DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22 It bothers Demeter that manners and etiquette are a thing of the past; clearly no longer taught by parents to their children, nor the Government to postal employees. Over time, she’s accepted that good taste is out the window along with civility, common sense, and human decency, and chalked this up as residue from the Bush presidency, but she would at least like to have a man take off his hat when she enters the room or even when he gets in bed with her. He should also take off his shoes and socks, simply because it would make getting his pants off so much easier. At any rate, Demeter decides this month that she will no longer have sex with anyone who does not say “Please”, “Thank you”, and “Sorry! I didn’t mean to put that in there!”
VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22) Vesta’s sex life with her husband suffers this month as Vesta is particularly self-conscious about her body. She confides in the stars that when her husband pulls on her nipples in bed, her breast forms a span as long and as wildly swinging as the Golden Gate Bridge. If she climbs on top of her beloved, she finds she becomes distracted: making funny animal shapes out of her abdominal flesh. When she gets up to get another scotch, she thinks her naked ass must look like two hamsters fighting under a chenille bedspread. Self-confidence is as much a part of attractiveness as actual good looks, so Vesta has to either believe in her own appeal, or never take off her clothes again as long as she lives. Vesta’s husband waits anxiously this month as the options are weighed.
PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23) This month Persephone gets into a big argument with her best girlfriend Lisa, whose husband Mike loaned Persephone’s husband Dave $5000 to ship a pizza oven from Long Island into the city. One would think this pizza oven might be part of a master plan to open a pizza shop, but no, and this is part of the argument. Dave has recently started taking a ceramics class and wants to use the oven to fire his ceramic work which he plans to sell on Etsy. This comes as a surprise to Lisa and Mike, who were hoping they would see a return on the money before Christmas, or perhaps, someday, but now that is unlikely since it turns out Dave’s ceramics are of his own anatomy. Actually, this comes as a surprise to Persephone who thought the little figures were the birch stand outside their kitchen. The friendship recovers a bit when Persephone cracks Lisa up by putting a little hat on one of the… birch trees.
LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21) The 9th through the 15th are good days to make an investment this month, whether that means a bid on an apartment, a stock market purchase, or an hour lunch with Leda’s coworker who she can barely stand but who knows how to make Excel spreadsheets. Plunking down some real money on any one of these items can change Leda’s life. If she buys an apartment now, she can sell it in the future for a modest profit. If she buys stocks in a down market, she can sell it when it inevitably rises. And if she sits through lunch with this idiot, he might help her make spread sheets so that the columns aren’t all different sizes and the headings actually stay above the columns and not in the little boxes, and the numbers don’t break in the middle and somehow automatically start their own page. Perhaps this is the greatest investment of all, for it will protect Leda’s sanity.
ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21 ) This month Echo must contend with “the Green Monster” when a close friend finds success that Echo feels she herself deserves. Jealousy is a terrible thing and can wreck a friendship, a marriage, or a business, especially when you feel that your friend stole your idea and has secretly built her own version of your company and is now a big success. You like to compare yourself to Mark Zuckerberg, or rather the guys who were left behind when Zuckerberg went on his own with Facebook. You really thought you had something when you thought of making stockings that looked like blue jeans, but then your friend came out with something she called “Jeggings”, which despite the appalling name, seem to be selling. Don’t worry Echo: by next year at this time, “Jeggings” will be a joke in the fashion history books
PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19) Halloween is Pandora’s favorite holiday and one in which she can dress as she likes without having to explain silver spurs to everyone. What is it with people that they can’t let a girl wear jodhpurs and carry a riding crop except on a certain holidays and even then, not at the office? Pandora knows in fact that at least one of the guys she works with likes a good smack on the behind with a stiff crop, and another one likes a girl in a hockey mask. But Pandora can only indulge her hobby in public during the month of October. The rest of the year she makes due with private appointments, scheduled by the hour.
PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18) Although Psyche’s sign comes just after Pandora, Psyche absolutely hates Halloween. Perhaps it’s because she has three young kids, each of which wants to be some incredible oddball creature for the night, one that requires a Masters in Costume Design or perhaps Physics, and Psyche only got a Bachelor’s in Communications. Every year she spends August asking the kids what they want to be, and then September is spent trying to figure out how to make the costumes, and then October is spent realizing that the kids have all changed their minds depending on what big action movie is out this month. Psyche puts her foot down, informing the kids that they are all going as duvet covers or nothing.
PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20) The chill breezes of October convince Phoebe to let her hair grow out even though it means an awkward hair style for the next two months, at least until her bangs grow out. This is not the first October that Phoebe has tried to grow her hair long, and every year, by the end of the month, she has been driven so crazy by her hair falling into her eyes, into her mouth and up her nose that she cuts it again. This month will be different since, remarkably, the stars have aligned to make growing one’s hair out the absolute right thing to do. The stars however, are selective about this process. Growing one’s head hair is fine but letting one’s leg or underarm hair grow will result in bad luck and one or more lovers getting out of the bed, never to return.
Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own sign)
THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy ) This is a great month to make new friends, particularly among the parents at the school Thalia’s youngest son is attending. Any other month it would be awkward to make friends with someone wearing a cape, but this month, ostensibly because of Halloween, it seems not only OK, but unavoidable. The rest of the year Thalia tries her best to side-step relationships with parents wearing capes since she feels cape-wearing is pretentious, no matter how progressive this school is, but this month, she herself is actually wearing a cape, which she finds surprisingly fun, but is embarrassing the hell out of her kid who next month decides he no longer wants to attend this school.
©2010 Debra Victoroff
ABOUT THE AUTHOR Debra Victoroff's humor essays have appeared in Penthouse, Cosmopolitan and The Village Voice as well as broadcast on National Public Radio. Her one-act comedy, "Table for Two" was recently published in "The Best Plays of the Strawberry Festival" and her drama "Letter From A Soldier" was a hit at the 2008 Walking Fish play festival in Vancouver.(http://www.straight.com/article-148353/walking-fish-festival) and won Debra second place in the NEW WORKS OF MERIT PLAYWRITING CONTEST. She honed her humor skills on the TV series "Sex and the City", entertaining the music crew with her constant complaints about working in the wrong department.