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By Annie Busser Driver
Want to know what Victoria’s Secret is? Large-breasted women carry their lives in their bras. For those of us who have trouble keeping things neat and organized, I’m sharing a few important lessons that I’ve learned through trial and error. (We all know how embarrassing it can be when a coworker asks to borrow a pen at that power lunch and you whip out a tampon instead.)
1. Balance is everything. Always store heavier objects in the cup of your smaller breast to prevent tilt. Erect posture is very important. Selection of a particular breast can also come in handy for lifting that nipple that hangs lower than the other. Store little-used items in the bottom of said cup to lift the sagging orb and provide that all-important wang chung (or is it fang shwoo?) that we all strive for. If this also happens to be the weightier breast, be sure the items are light weight (see tippage warning above).
2. File items by frequency of use, not order of importance. For instance, sticky notes and a pen may not be the most important weapon in your arsenal, but will probably be needed often during the day. With practice you, like me, will be able to reach in your bra and jot down dinner ideas without ever taking the pen and notepad out.
3. Perishables should be removed within 3 days unless properly wrapped. This is worth the extra bother, ladies. I once experienced a nasty flare-up of a long dormant mold allergy from the gummy bears I chose to store in a hurry. The time and expense of lengthy visits to the allergist far outweighed the time it would have taken to put the bears in a “cage” before plunging them into my décolletage.
4. The “tween” area should be reserved for items of an impersonal nature, lest you embarrass yourself when standing next to men (or women) over six feet four inches while wearing a low cut blouse (you, not the men). This is, of course, unless very high heels are worn (you, not the men). Kleenex is a very appropriate choice although, unlike the sticky notes and pens, it should not be used while still in the stored position.
5. After packing for a busy day at the office, it is best to bend vigorously from the waist several times before leaving the house to assure that everything is seated well in its appropriate place. Nothing is more unnerving than bending over to helpfully retrieve a pencil the boss dropped, only to see your portable vibrator hit the floor at his feet.
6. Swiss army knife: yes. Switchblade: no. An explanation here should be unnecessary.
7. It’s important to develop a system for remembering where items are stored in order to retrieve them efficiently. For example:
8. Some items are best left out of the system completely. Red lipstick melts in extreme heat and can mimic a gunshot wound to the chest. Half-eaten jelly donuts attract breast mites. Improperly stored mace can make a grown man cry. Any or all of these can ruin a perfectly good day and create a large emergency room bill.
Remember the old George Jones hit, “If Drinkin’ Don’t Kill Me Her Mammories Will”? As a well endowed woman I choose to see the cup as half full. To my small-breasted sisters out there, let me say that clothes may look better on a heroin-chic model; but ample boobage is an organizer’s dream. And to God I’d like to say, “Thanks for the mammories”.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR ANN BUSSER DRIVER
I am a 55 year old divorced psychologist born in Cleveland. lived in North Carolina for 32 years and am officially a Southern Woman because my children both came out with a Southern Accent and no front teeth. I counsel depressed seniors, and am often one myself. Writing is my therapy.