EST. May 2000 (AD)


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DEAR MAGS/DAGS: I am truly in an awkward position. Even though I am the bride-to-be, I find myself intimidated by my husband’s twin sister (just for privacy’s sake I’ll call her Jealous Jill). Well, Jealous Jill has had it in for me since our engagement party, telling me that all of my ideas are “stupid” and “boring”. Yes, it’s true I want pastel bridesmaid dresses. It so happens that my flower of choice is gardenia. And I am looking forward to our self-serve martini bar/ice sculpture of a drunken mermaid with her merman! It’s MY day, after all! Well, my future husband is no help with this. He always sides with his twin. Whaddaya say girls? Can you help me win this wedding war?

She’s Not MY Evil Twin

MAGS: Soon after reading this, I fell asleep and began to dream! I was swimming…no, DROWNING! I woke up and learned that I had spilled a mimosa all over myself! And it was night time! And I was naked! And drooling! I’m not sure if the drooling is because of alcoholism I just heard about (Is that really a thing? Really? A real, alive thing?) or because I was petting my friend’s bald dog in the basement of his apartment and the dog tried to eat my arm. Now, I know what you’re thinking when I say I was petting my friend’s bald dog. You’re thinking, “No fair! I’m an animal lover, too!” It makes me sad to tell you that the cute guy and the other guy from Animal Control came and they kept screaming, “Miss, it’s not a dog! Back away!” and “Chuck, we’d better call the exterminator!” Then they said a lot of other words to me, but I’m too sleepy and full of drool to think about them now.

So you’re in an “awkward position”. Join the club! Really, there is a club for this! We meet in this Italian restaurant after the sun goes down and all the chairs go up on the table. Then we go under the table and it gets really awkward from there on in! If you know what I mean! I’ve lost three pairs of shoes this way!

Self-serve martini bar! Those are good! I want to live in a future galaxy where the martini bars serve me, though! I hate housework! Also, I would especially like it if the martinis would glow in the dark, just in case I forget to bring a flashlight and/or batteries to this future galaxy. Plus the martinis might cook me dinner and clean my futuristic apartment, then sing me wonderful old, fashioned songs before I drink myself to sleep. I am partial to Lady Gaga. Will she be old in the future? I will not be, thanks to these inventions: Magic and Elastic. Also, could I get one of those little fish that brush the bigger animal’s teeth? Yeah, I need that.

DAGS: I’m sorry, but are you planning to marry your future husband’s twin sister? Will you be setting up house with your future husband’s twin sister? If you go to prison, are you planning on receiving conjugal visits from your future husband’s twin sister? No, right? Well, am I correct? Because in this day and age, who the hell knows. WHAT I’M SAYING IS WHO GIVES A SNOT ABOUT YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND’S TWIN SISTER? She’s just some moron you have to exchange awkwardly-wrapped holiday packages with once a year (spoiler alert: It’s a used bread machine, see what you are marrying into?)

You need to train your future husband like the “dog” that bit Mags. All men are hairless basement-dwelling “dogs” and all men need to be trained! They don’t tell you this at couples counselling, but unless you start training your “man” from day one, be prepared for a life of nothing but couples counseling. Oh, I just realized I put “man” in quotes, too. Oh well.

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: I am giving the toast at my bestie’s wedding. Do you have any suggestions for awesome quotes that will leave the bride and groom supremely touched? I just love them so much, I want to help share in their special day.

Felicity is Fond of Her Friends

MAGS: Dear F Girl (I like that letter, too!) Since you love to share, you would probably enjoy this great Italian restaurant. It is the most romantic place once the day is over, the candlelight is blown out and the doors are locked. No food, unless you count cannoli cream. If you get chilly you can wear the red and white checkered tablecloths. I also like to look through the lost and found while I wait for my turn. One time I found night vision goggles! Talk about everything coming together!

It’s good you like to share with your friends to keep them happy. Just make sure everyone is responsibly hot. Sometimes beer goggles are harder to see with than the night vision kind!

My favorite quote of all time is “Wheeeeeee!” because it’s so much fun and can be used at all kinds of places. Just don’t say it at a funeral too much, because you’re not supposed to have too much fun at those.

DAGS: I thought to offer you the wisdom of Gandhi, E.E. Cummings, Dolly Parton and Cher. Then I realized two things:

1.    I don’t know you.

2.    Even if I did know you, I probably wouldn’t like you.

  So I am going to offer you the wisdom of my uncle Seamus. His real name was Dan, but we called him Seamus due to his ability to constantly shame us.

A wife is like a lawn mower, running over all that is new and green and lovely in the world. A husband is like a snow blower. Unless you live in a certain climate, he’s probably only going to be useful to you just a few times a year.

You buy these things brand new, but eventually they rust and stop working. It’s probably not worth it to pay for the repairs, either. Don’t talk to me about a manufacturer’s warrantee! Con artists wearing name tags! Rebates, what rebates? You might have to buy brand new stuff, and who has the money for that? Not me. Not since my surgery. Plus, I had to rent this tuxedo! Are we gonna eat today, or just stand around lookin’ all pretty?”                    

This was the toast at my wedding. Why should your friend’s be any better?

PS Consider the snow blower analogy when you wonder why my husband sleeps in the garage, Oh Miserable Busybody Readers.

Mags is Maggie "Wild" Childes:  Mags has never been married. She has however, dated married men, some prior to their nuptials. Thus, she knows a lot about the wedding planning process.

Dags is Dagmar Hewlett: Dags had her own wedding three years ago, but that's not going to prevent her from planning yours.


©2011 Christina Delia