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EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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DEAR MAGS/DAGS: My future husband Nick and I are in a bit of a bind. We are planning the wedding ourselves, and are truly in a fiscal pickle. I might be losing my job in marketing soon, and I’m really not sure how we’re going to make ends meet. So far we’ve put the deposit down on a rental hall, and for the florist. Any advice for finding wedding day entertainment on a bare-bones budget?

Daphne Desires a DJ

MAGS: Well, this makes sense to me! Once I needed money! It always happens to some people eventually sometimes! I’ve never had a fiscal pickle. Is that like carnival food? I dated a carnie once…or maybe his last name was Carney? Or did he work for the rodeo? Or did we shop at Rodeo Drive? Or was it one of those bars where you can ride the bartender, I mean, the mechanical bull?

If you lose your job in marketing, you will probably not be able to buy fiscal pickles so quickly. Sometimes I go to the market for the basic stuff: stinky cheese and diet cola and mixers. This is when I want to impress an important man. I don’t think I’ve seen you at the market, though. Unless…do you wear your hair in a bun? Do you wear glasses around your neck? Is your name one of these: Alfred, Tina or Aisle Seven? I’ve never had ends meet…is that like prime rib?

My editors said I have to make a good idea this time! Can you believe it? So will I! Here we go: try to win a wedding from a morning talk show! They will pay! This was really my idea…well, we did “word assassination” and my editor helped out. She said, “Mimosa!” and I said “Morning!” She said “What do your dates say you do too much of?” And then we couldn’t print that! So we settled on “Talk”. Then she said “How do you make sure your dates pay for after dinner drinks?” and I said “Show!” Because if there’s one thing I’m great at, it’s showing.

I know local talent, so maybe I can help you more. There’s Guinea Pig Whisperer Troy Angles, Pharmacologist Max DeMaxx (He’s some kind of farmer, but for some reason he carries around a lot of pills!) and Celebrity Grandpa Archie “Yipper” Yipopowich! I already texted all of them, and they would be interested in coming to your wedding for a fee! No money down, just lots of interest! Well, I’m interested! How about you?    

DAGS: Ugh, now our editors are spoon-feeding her solutions, much like she spoon-feeds that Celebrity Grandpa his applesauce. It’s pathetic how you people cater to her bimbosisness! Is that even a word? I’ll make it be a word!

If I have to hear one more of you bridal broads cry poverty…I’ll…well I’ll…I’ll just…oh, wouldn’t YOU like to know!

Listen, I don’t care if you get married in your Great Aunt Abigail’s half bathroom! And I don’t care if your wedding gown is vintage one-ply! And I don’t care if your Maid of Honor is one of those old fashioned dolls they used to crochet to cover the toilet paper rolls! Also, haven’t you heard? Flushing the toilet is the new bouquet toss! Tell all your rotten friends!

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: Please help me out. When Martin and I got engaged, I knew he’d been married before. I fell in love with him, anyway. Now that the wedding day is nearing, all I can picture is him with his first wife, cutting his first cake, reading his first vows! How can I come up with ways to replace these pictures in my head with our soon-to-be new ones?

Pammy’s Picture Is Not Perfect   

MAGS: When I was featured on a magazine cover, okay, in the back pages of a magazine, they had computers do my makeup! It ruled!

Any time I think a picture would look better with me in it; I cut the head off the first person and paste my face in! That’s how I got to walk on the moon and won a Golden Globe for my work on the classic television drama “Dynasty”! There are pictures all over my apartment like this! In one I get to be all of the “Sex and The City” girls, and also all of the “Sopranos” dudes! I look great with a Cosmo or an Uzi!

DAGS: Let me get this straight: You’re a grown ass woman named Pammy, and you think this wedding crap is your only problem? Oh, Boo Hoo! Look, if there are any photos from his prior wedding around, burn ‘em! He doesn’t need ‘em! For that matter, get rid of any imagery that might get him wondering “What If?” He doesn’t need a life now! He has you! This is exactly why I cancelled my husband’s subscription to “TV Guide”. I don’t need some programming guide putting thoughts in his head…that’s my department, thank you very much!

Men only think about what’s in front of them. That’s why a guy on a desert island would make a perfect husband…all he has to think about is picking bananas and ME. And I do not encourage messages in bottles. Or fraternizing with cannibals. Who knows what that could lead to!

Limit his resources and he will at least be as predictable as the neighbor’s dog that poops in your front yard. That rotten, disgusting mutt! And I’m personally not a fan of the dog, either! In conclusion, just walk your man down the aisle and make him do his business!

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Mags has a new pamphlet for you, her loyal readers! To celebrate all-things February, treat yourself with the delightful modern-day fairytale Where Is the Groundhog? You Said There Would Be a Groundhog In This Hotel Room. Yes, indeed, a wonderful romp in the style of “Boy-Meets-Girl-Boy-Loses-Girl-Boy-Finds-Girl-In-The-Hotel Bar.” For just $11.99, Mags will take you from winter to spring in fourteen controversial pages.

Mags is Maggie "Wild" Childes:  Mags has never been married. She has however, dated married men, some prior to their nuptials. Thus, she knows a lot about the wedding planning process.

Dags is Dagmar Hewlett: Dags had her own wedding three years ago, but that's not going to prevent her from planning yours.

©2011 Christina Delia