EST. May 2000 (AD)


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`DEAR MAGS/DAGS: My fiancé Brent is desperate for us to save money. He wants us to be able to afford a down payment for a house, but I think the wedding is much more important. It’s like the party of your life! I try to explain this to him, but he’s a penny pincher like no other. Brent wants me to use silk flower arrangements instead of real ones! How could he not love real ones? I love real ones!

Denise Wants to Get Real

MAGS: See, I’m not a fan of real ones. I mean, real ones fall a little flat, if you know what I mean. I’m thinking about seeing a doctor to give me a little push-me-up. But I’d love to get brand newbies (that’s Medicine Guy code for “new boobies”; he’s a really great doctor!)

I think there’s a whole bunch of words and pictures about penny pinching in this book. It’s called the Kama Sutra, and all of the best doctor’s know how to do the procedures! Sometimes they give you Friday Night pop quizzes, so you have to know your stuff!

The only silk I have is made out of lingerie! And sheets!

DAGS: There’s nothing I hate more than cheap men! That is, unless you count bald men, ugly men and men with fat fingers. Nonetheless, this type of behavior will NOT be tolerated! When are you supposed to receive real flowers? Your funeral? Oh, I’m sure Brent will cheap out on that! You won’t be around to set him straight!

You tell him this: “Baby, this wedding isn’t about you at all!” It’s important to call him “baby”. This way he will realize that he deserves less respect than you, a grown woman. Also, he will view it as a term of endearment, as he is a simple minded dolt. Sweet talk him into submission!

If more women in the world thought like me, there would be less pathetic women like you. Also, I would be out of a job, so I suppose I should thank you. Now, I didn’t say I was going to come out and say “thank you”. I simply realize that I probably should. Is that “real” enough for you, Denise?

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: I am helping my co-worker plan her wedding. What do you think is appropriate to toss at the bride and groom? I was considering bird seed or confetti, but now I am not sure. Do you have any unique suggestions for things to throw at a wedding?

Bernadette Helps Brides Out 

MAGS: Here is my list!

Things to Throw At People at a Wedding !

  • Sandwiches (Use whole wheat bread! It’s healthier!)
  • Milk (It will blend in with her dress, unless it is the chocolate kind!)
  • Flower Girl (How exciting for her!)
  • Socks (Mine never match, anyway!)
  • Graduation Caps (No one will expect it!)

DAGS: Let me guess, Bernadette. You’re the concerned co-worker a.k.a. Unmarried spinster who is going to “help” a.k.a. Take over the wedding. Busybody Bernadette, this does not concern the likes of YOU. I think it is up to the bride and groom to decide what foreign objects they wish to be pelted with.

However, I have taken the liberty of composing a list of things I wouldn’t mind chucking at YOU.

Things to Throw At Big Mouth Bernadette

  • Animal Feces (assorted animal varieties)
  • Big dead spiders
  • Medium-sized dead spiders
  • Page-A-Day Calendar (I would just go to the store and buy a whole bunch of page a day calendars to throw at you. Some would be witty, many fact-filled, and others wholly inspirational.)

Mags is Maggie "Wild" Childes:  Mags has never been married. She has however, dated married men, some prior to their nuptials. Thus, she knows a lot about the wedding planning process.

Dags is Dagmar Hewlett: Dags had her own wedding three years ago, but that's not going to prevent her from planning yours.

©2011 Christina Delia