EST. May 2000 (AD)


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DEAR MAGS/DAGS: I am the mother-of-the bride, or MOB, if we’re going by acronyms. Lately that is all we seem to be going by! My daughter Jillian, the B2B or Bride-to-be, if you must, has been texting all of her demands to the brdal prty. You know… the bridal party! I find the entire situation to be outr8 infuri8ing. What I’m trying to say is that this is outright infuriating! Did I get it right? See, I can be cool, too!

Why won’t my daughter listen to any of my ideas? I have gr8 1’s.

 Sad Mom

Mags: I think the problem here is either you are a) old or a plus) too old for people to hear you. It’s a real thing. I saw it on a magazine cover one time. At least, I think I did. The magazine was on this guy’s coffee table, and my head was tilted at a fun angle, because that’s how I roll when I do it upside down. Then I really did roll! Ooh, you would appreciate this! We were on a water bed. That’s an invention from your lifetime, right? SHOULD I MAKE BIG LETTER WORDS FOR YELLING? I THINK SO!

You should talk to Mags about this because she’s old, too. She likes to cook and clean and get married, all that boring old timey stuff. I THINK YOU WERE TRYING TO SAY THAT YOU HAVE GREAT ONES, RIGHT? I ALSO HAVE GREAT ONES! THEY LIVE IN A WATER BRA! IT’S LIKE A WATER BED FOR FUN BAGS! NOT OLD BAGS! THAT’S YOU! I’m TALKING ABOUT MY FUN BAGS!

Dags: Please excuse Mags; she’s an honorary member of the world’s oldest profession. Oh, and she thinks the world’s oldest profession is “still life modeling”. Which is why I found her naked with my husband eating a bowl of grapes, but I digress…and he tried to say at least he was making healthier food choices! I mean, really! The pain, the utter humiliation! That’s why mother always said, “the word ‘marriage’ sounds a lot like ‘my rage’”. Especially when one is saying it stone drunk and through clenched teeth. See, unlike Mags, I respect the inane ramblings of the elderly!

Tell your brat, I mean, bride, that if she doesn’t knock it off you won’t be helping her financially. You will be heard! You were once a bride, too, ages ago. Who cares if you’re a shriveled up old lady? That just means you’re closer to the Great Beyond (I guess you would call it the Gr8 Bynd, you texting twit) and closer to writing her out of your will. It’s like mother always said, “Where there’s a will there’s a weak-willed daughter”. Hey, I just got that one!

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: My daughter is getting married in two weeks. Her name is Bee-bee, which is appropriate, since she is a real pistol (you know, like a BB gun?)  

Bee-Bee and her fiancé Devon are quite unconventional. I am okay with a wedding cake shaped like a bumblebee (get it, bee-bee?) but I cannot believe my daughter has employed a PSYCHIC to perform her ceremony! What’s next, hiring a confidence man to transport the wedding gifts via limousine service?

I am humiliated and hurt that some charlatan is using smoke and mirrors while a righteous woman (me) foots the bill.

Bee-Bee’s Breaks Mama’s Heart

Mags: Wow! I thought everybody loved charlatan? My favorite is when that mean cartoon girl takes away his football! He is surprised every time! Me, too!

Maybe if you don’t foot the bill charlatan will get a chance to! Every time he tries to foot it, she pulls that bill away! How mean can you get? Really mean? Me, too! This is my mean face. You can’t see it, but it’s on my head. You can’t see my head, but it’s on my neck. You can’t see my neck, but it’s on my body. You can see some of that. Upper or lower?

One time I slept with a psychic and he had a lot of confidence! No limo, though. He knew we were going to sleep together, and when I took off my clothes he said everything was “exactly as predicted”. Upper and lower!

Dags: You name your offspring “Bee-Bee”, refer to her as “a real pistol” and then are surprised when she shoots you down? Get with it, lady! Your kid cannot STAND you. She doesn’t want you at her wedding. She is probably going to kill you when you’re old. (Editor’s note: we do not stand by this statement) Fine! Just be happy the only thing she broke this time was your heart. Is that better?   

Look, weddings are not a time to connect with a mother or husband or anyone else, for that matter. It’s the chance for a bride to be a bride, a.k.a. completely selfish and utterly demanding while there are still people around to listen to her every whim. A bride does not ask for a flute of champagne, a bride demands a flute of champagne! A bride does not toss her bouquet, a bride hurls her bouquet in a fit of hormonally charged and sleep deprived rage! And a bride certainly does not request that her now-husband dismount her scantily clad cousin Arlene from Denver, Colorado. No, indeed! I would tell you in explicit detail just what it is that a bride does in that very unique situation, but I am certain it would lead to another of those Editor’s notes. (Editor’s note: Yes, it would.)   

Listen Mama, if you don’t want to pay for the wedding, don’t. Then ask the psychic, “Did you see that coming?” HA HA HA HA! So what if your daughter never speaks to you again? Maybe you can have another daughter (that is, if you haven’t gone through menopause yet).

Mags is Maggie "Wild" Childes:  Mags has never been married. She has however, dated married men, some prior to their nuptials. Thus, she knows a lot about the wedding planning process.

Dags is Dagmar Hewlett: Dags had her own wedding three years ago, but that's not going to prevent her from planning yours.

©2011 Christina Delia